1. adamant
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    adamant Contributing Member Contributor

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    Dialogue Practice.

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by adamant, May 26, 2007.

    Click, the gun cocked.

    “You’re not going to shoot me,” said Emilie, slowly turning around to face the pistol only inches from her.

    “I don’t see anything stopping me,” her attacker said.

    “True, but it seems like it’d be tough to aim with all that shaking you’re doing.” She walked towards the door, “Tell the others that I’m leaving, the movement isn’t going anywhere in this state. I’m finding my own path.”

    The gun now lowered, “They’re not just going to let you walk out of here, you’re one of us. We need you. Don’t go. Please.”

    “I’m sorry.”

    .
    EDITED VERSION BELOW
    .

    Click, the gun cocked.

    “You’re not going to shoot me,” said Emilie. She turned around slowly to face the pistol only inches from her.

    “I don’t see anything stopping me,” her attacker said.

    “True, but it seems like it’d be tough to aim with all that shaking you’re doing.” Emilie’s hand lightly ran across the face of the young girl, wiping away a tear. “Tell the others that I’m leaving, the movement isn’t going anywhere in this state. I’m finding my own path.”

    The gun now lowered, “They’re not just going to let you walk out of here, you’re one of us. We need you. Don’t go. Please.”

    “I’m sorry.”

    .
    .
    .

    I wasn't sure if this is the most appropriate section, but seemed like it'd be a plausible location. If it's not too much to ask, I'd like some feedback on the strength of the dialogue presented above -- it's one of my weakest points. Rate it on how realistic it seems, how much it pulls you in to the story, if you'd like to keep reading, et cetera.

    ad·a·mant
     
  2. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    Well in my opinion is does tend to seem fairly realistic, on a scale of 1(being least) to 10(being most), I would have to say around 6-7 really.

    And yes I would definately be interested in reading more of it. You have definately caught my interests with this piece.

    ~Torana
     
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  3. adamant
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    adamant Contributing Member Contributor

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    What would make it more realistic? I was thinking of including some body language and all that whateverness.
     
  4. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    Body language could possibly help to make this a bit more realistic, but I am not that sure really, I am not that good a story writing.
    But definately give the body language and whateverness a go and I will be more than happy to take another look at it and give you my opinion if that helps you out at all.

    ~Torana

    (but there are members here that know a lot more about it than I do so maybe wait for their responses also.)
     
  5. adamant
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    adamant Contributing Member Contributor

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    Yeah... but I seem to kill threads. I'm going to try to write something really long and then have it reviewed. College next year, so that means I'll get some cool English classes -- hopefully.
     
  6. IndianaJoan
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    IndianaJoan Contributing Member

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    I'd like to show you something you could do to take it one step further:

    “You’re not going to shoot me,” said Emilie, slowly turning around to face the pistol only inches from her.


    In this sentence...take out "said Emilie" and instead do this

    "you're not going to shoot me." Emilie slowly turned around to face the pistol only inches from her.

    Try to stay away from ending sentence with "he said" she said...it robs the scene. Always remember to "SHOW" whats going on or whos talking rather than "TELL" us who is talking. Make sense?

    Dialogue is tough, but once you get it licked it gets easier to apply to your writing. Draw us a picture visually of her attitude, her facial expression, show us in her actions that its her thats talking rather than TELLING us its her. I hope this helps some. This was something I struggled a lot with too.
     
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  7. adamant
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    adamant Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think I may need to flesh the characters out even more... perhaps I can't see them yet. Could you supply me with some good examples of dialogue?
     
  8. IndianaJoan
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    IndianaJoan Contributing Member

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    Sure. Ill try and look some up for you. Just remember the best thing to do is to show actions and expressions...your dialogue wasnt bad at all. I think you're doing a nice job. Can you possibly post more of this snippit or writing? I'd love to read a bit more and help you flesh it out. I have to go out and pick up my kids but I'll be back to this thread with some examples for you.
     
  9. adamant
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    adamant Contributing Member Contributor

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    Well, you see, there isn't anything more. It was an exercise to prevent me from having to recreate an entire chapter or more due to dialogue. What I've written may change a bit, but the general theme will be the same. I'll try to produce some more for you though.
     
  10. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    What struck me is that Emilie's response to "I don't see anything stopping me" was a bit lengthy under the circumstances, at least in one unbroken piece. Why not break it up and draw out the moment little.

    Maybe something like:

    Emilie gazed into the young girl's eyes. "You're shaking. A lot." Moving slowly in order not to startle her, she gently wiped a tear from the young girl's cheek.

    "Tell the others I'm leaving." Emilie stepped back. "The movement isn't going anywhere in this state." She turned away. "I'm finding my own path."
     
  11. adamant
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    adamant Contributing Member Contributor

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    Hm... perhaps. The reason I didn't make it seem like she was really all that worried about is is due to the fact because she knows that girl. She just wouldn't shoot someone like that. Simply wanted her to reconsider leaving with something drastic I suppose.

    But I do like parts of your way a bit better.
     

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