1. doggiedude
    Offline

    doggiedude Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2016
    Messages:
    1,458
    Likes Received:
    1,255
    Location:
    Florida, USA, Earth, The Sol System

    Dialogue with stuttering

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by doggiedude, Jul 3, 2016.

    I'm trying to denote a stutter while this person is freezing her ass off.
    Does this work well enough?


    “Hold on. I need t-t-to no-notify an mergency crew.” She closed their connection and called the control center. After her call, she said, “I’m s-s-so s-s-s-sorry Admiral, that riftia t-t-t-t-tube should not have done that.” She shivered uncontrollably.
     
  2. Link the Writer
    Offline

    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2009
    Messages:
    11,438
    Likes Received:
    4,369
    Location:
    Alabama, USA
    Looks fine to me. My suggestion is to move ‘she shivered uncontrollably’ to the beginning.
     
  3. izzybot
    Offline

    izzybot Human Disaster Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2015
    Messages:
    922
    Likes Received:
    1,007
    Location:
    SC, USA
    I wouldn't use more than two or three repetitions. The four Ts before 'tube' is a bit much, imo.
     
  4. Sack-a-Doo!
    Offline

    Sack-a-Doo! Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2015
    Messages:
    2,320
    Likes Received:
    1,550
    Location:
    [unspecified]
    This may just be a preference, but I think it would work better if the stuttered word was closer to the beginning of the sentence ('need' instead of 'to') because she'd be fighting the cold more at the moment she's trying to get her mouth working.
     

Share This Page