1. Alesia
    Offline

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    251
    Location:
    Knoxville, TN

    Do I need this word?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Alesia, Dec 26, 2013.

    Do I really need the word "pocket" here? Would the reader get the gist that one hand is in her pocket and not down the front, or somewhere else without it?
     
  2. thirdwind
    Offline

    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2008
    Messages:
    7,352
    Likes Received:
    2,895
    Location:
    Boston
    Without the word, I imagine her hand inside the actual pair of jeans. So I would leave the word there for clarity.
     
  3. Wreybies
    Offline

    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    18,905
    Likes Received:
    10,093
    Location:
    Puerto Rico
    Yeah, without it it inspires an Al Bundy image. ;)
     
  4. Okon
    Offline

    Okon Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2013
    Messages:
    694
    Likes Received:
    389
    I don't think it needs the 'pocket...'

    Does anybody know of examples from popular writers?
     
  5. Alesia
    Offline

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    251
    Location:
    Knoxville, TN
    I don't know any off the top of my head.

    I dunno why, but adding "pocket" seems to disrupt the flow for me. I wanted to use this as an opportunity to show that Allison is wearing jeans, but the only way I can think of to maintain flow is to remove the word "jeans." Unless there's a way someone sees to rearrange it?

    I like to be subtle like that - throw in an article of clothing here and there rather than what I see so many authors do. "She was wearing a Flogging Molly T-Shirt, jeans, and black Converse sneakers."

    EDIT: I think I might have it:
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2013
  6. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    it needs 'pocket' but does not need 'jeans'...
     
  7. jannert
    Offline

    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    7,816
    Likes Received:
    7,336
    Location:
    Scotland
    How about: ...with one hand stuffed in the pocket of her jeans, like she didn’t have a care in the world.

    Or maybe the back pocket, or the side pocket?
     

Share This Page