1. Zack Winchester

    Zack Winchester Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Juan, Puerto Rico

    A sentence I'm struggling with in my book

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Zack Winchester, Dec 9, 2014.

    Hi everyone.

    So, there's an specific sentence I'm struggling with in my book.

    "He walked into the building to see the two girls stop in front of a woman to whom they gave a small piece of paper, then the woman put a bracelet on their wrists before letting them pass."

    The sentence is from the point of view of an invisible alien and he's watching two women enter to a concert. That's why I say piece of paper instead of ticket. So, is the sentence fine as it it? Or should I say:

    "He walked into the building to see the two girls stop in front of a woman to whom each of them gave a small piece of paper, then the woman put bracelets on their wrists before letting them pass."

    Or

    "He walked into the building to see the two girls stop in front of a woman to whom they gave a small piece of paper, then the woman put bracelets on their wrists before letting them pass."

    Could somebody help me with this?

    Thanks in advance!
     
  2. Steerpike

    Steerpike Felis amatus Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2010
    Messages:
    13,984
    Likes Received:
    8,557
    Location:
    California, US
    Does it have to be one sentence?

    "Two girls stopped in front of a woman and gave her a piece of paper. She put a bracelet on their wrists and let them pass."
     
    Mckk likes this.
  3. SwampDog

    SwampDog Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2013
    Messages:
    407
    Likes Received:
    109
    Location:
    Back in Blighty
    As he walked into the building, he saw the two girls give a woman a piece of paper. The woman looked at it, then put bracelets on the girls' wrists, and let them pass.

    Certainly break up what you've already got, and leave out the 'to whom'. It reads too clumsily.
     
  4. Zack Winchester

    Zack Winchester Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Juan, Puerto Rico
    Thank you both.

    One more thing. They are two girls, so they give the woman two tickets. So in fact they are giving her two pieces of paper. The thing is that I'm describing this in plural. So, does it still reads correctly by saying that "they gave her a piece of paper"?
     
  5. SwampDog

    SwampDog Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2013
    Messages:
    407
    Likes Received:
    109
    Location:
    Back in Blighty
    If you think it's important, then just pluralise it, then. Between the words 'girls' and 'give', insert the word, 'each'. Or, he saw each of the girls give a woman a piece of paper...
     
    Zack Winchester likes this.
  6. Zack Winchester

    Zack Winchester Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Juan, Puerto Rico
    Thanks!
     
  7. Miguel A. Wilder

    Miguel A. Wilder Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2014
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    32
    I am struggling with the same sort of thing. It has a lot to do with the point of view and the voice of the writer. If I were to write this i the voice you demonstrated, I would say

    He walked into the building in time to see the two girls stop in front of a woman to whom each of them gave a small piece of paper. The woman then, placed bracelets on their wrists before she allowed them to pass.
     
  8. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2014
    Messages:
    3,420
    Likes Received:
    1,991
    Why do you need to include anything about him? Is it not obvious that the POV is the alien, so everything that happens is through his eyes. Only when he reacts to something does he need to be mentioned...or rather, his reaction.

    But you could write: "As he walked into the building he saw two girls, each of whom gave small piece of paper to a woman."

    Incidentally, the comma in the second sentence is unnecessary, or if you're going to use it, you need one each side of "then", making it a (very short) sub-clause of the sentence "The woman placed bracelets..."
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice