I don't know that it's called falling out of love, because I do believe once you love something you always will. I do think you can disregard - or dismiss - the feelings of love and replace them with anger, sadness, disgust, betrayal, or even hatred. But they are all temporary. They say memories sweeten with age and I believe that as years go by you forget the depth of your rage because within that bad there was good, and that is healthier, and sweeter, to remember.
I'm quoting myself because I fell off the face of the thread, while only being on it for about 30 seconds.
No one's assuming anything, I was replying to her statement that you can never un-love someone that you've loved. This has not been my experience. A quote I once read was something to the effect of "Marriage was invented to keep us together when we fall out of love. That way, if we keep at it, we remember why we fell in love with them in the first place." I liked that quote.
^ And I think in a lot of cases, that is very true. It seems that marriage works when the person you married is truly your best friend, before they're your lover. That way when things get troublesome, there's a million reasons for staying in eachother's lives - you just couldn't be without them. I also think that true love never dies. I myself have realised that In very bad times, I could easily kid myself that I loved somebody, when infact I genuinely hated them. Weird stuff. It's only now that I've found somebody that gives me that unexplainable feeling that I've realised what love is. And yet, I still can't explain it. Perhaps love has its own definition to each individual person...it can't be the same for everybody.
If you think you have un-loved them do you think you really loved them to begin with, or that you just wanted to believe you did?
I know a lot of people who haven't been best friends and their relationships are awesome--my mom and dad, for example--so I don't subscribe to that theory, especially because if you're best friends and then lovers with someone that would be sort of awkward at first, and awkward if you ever broke up. I wouldn't date my best friends, especially because one is in love with one of my best friends who is a girl, and the other is gay, and the rest are at high school, so none of it would work out.
No no, I didn't mean literally best friends before lovers, I Meant that the friendship comes first - the trust part, basically. If you can trust somebody, then it works. I don't mean that you need to be best friends before you start seeing eachother, lol. Sorry.
Hmm... I think you and I think of love completely differently. You seem to look at falling in love as something magical, like having an enchantment cast upon you or something. The way I see the universe lately, God is everything. All is God. And God is love. So love is nothing other than reality, and 'loving' someone is simply seeing reality, seeing things the way they are. Nothing special about it, because love is all there is. Then there's romantic love, 'falling in love', which for me is different, and much less holy. It's where there's a physical and emotional pull toward someone, and you come to realize that you want that person in your life forever. But most people feel that pull wax and wain as time goes on. But you stay. Real Love was always there to begin with, it never came, and it never went, so whether you feel the pull or not, love is still just as real there as anywhere else, so why leave? Spousal love, for me, is just like practice for coming to learn the pure, true Love of God. Your spouse is the one person in the whole world that you've taken a sacred vow to strive with all your might to see God (Reality [Love]) in. Sometimes you'll be successful in your striving, and sometimes you won't. But you continue to strive, and whether the pull is there or not, you would still rip your heart out of your chest and hand it to your spouse if they needed it. Then you're doing okay. Then I guess you can say you're in love. Damn, that's the most I've written all morning. I seriously gotta get back to work on my story. I'll shut up now. -F.F.
I do think of love as magical, but not fairy-tale or pixie dust magical. Magical as in the depth of the feeling and the power it has, strong enough to let you not let go. That is the love I have for my kids. Love of God is safe, dependable, everlasting, unthreatening. Romance and love are different. Fading feelings are not love.You can be euphoric then melancholy, but not in love then out. Spousal love? You make it sound void of passion, excitement, bond. It shouldn't be a chore or feel like an obligation. What / which has had you unlove?
I was Roman Catholic for a few years. In faith formation classes, and then again in Engaged Encounters classes, I was taught that "love is not a feeling, it's a decision." It stuck with me. I'm not saying I think the way you look at love is invalid, it just hasn't been my experience. As I said, love, to me, is just an eternal aspect of the way things are. It doesn't come, it doesn't go. But the feelings do. I use that term to describe the love between two people who plan on loving each other forever. If you don't like the words, replace them with others. Sometimes it does feel like a chore or an obligation. I agree that it shouldn't, but it does sometimes. And what then? You just leave? Or do you stick it out? I'm sorry, but I don't understand your question. Are you asking what, in my experience, has caused 'that lovin' feeling' to fade? If so, I really couldn't tell you the answer. It comes and it goes. All that remains is the resolution to put the beloved before myself, and the determination to love more deeply.
A mother's willingness to put up with her children's crap no matter what they do does amaze me. I'm sure if I ever become a mother I'll love my children the same way most mothers do, but I'm not sure I'll be too happy with myself.
