1. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    Do you think there's a dating double standard? (Rant)

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Alesia, Oct 10, 2013.

    When you look at couples, it doesn't seem that uncommon to see an older man with a woman far younger than him. From my POV, it seems like this is socially acceptable. Then you have my situation... I'm a 27 year old male living with/dating a woman sixteen years my senior and this is somehow socially unacceptable. Both of us have been labeled "desperate" (as if we simply can't get anyone our own ages), she's been called "Mrs. Robinson" and a "Cougar", while I've been labeled a "boy toy" and once a "gigolo." What's up with this? Can't two people love each other regardless of age without someone throwing in an opinion. Sometimes I feel like how interracial couples must have felt back in the days before mixed dating was the norm. Do you think there's a double standard here? Why do you think it is young women can date old men and no one says boo about it, but older women with a younger man is the scandal of the century?
     
  2. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    Yes, there's definitely a double standard. Unfortunately, changing people's minds about something like this is hard to do, so ignoring it is probably the only solution.
     
  3. Garball
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    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

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    I see nothing wrong with dating somebody 16 years older than you as long as you are 18. Remember, boys and girls, 17 will get you 20
     
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  4. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    Of course there's double standards all round. If a girl has 7 guys a week she's a slut. If a guy has 7 girls he's a hero.

    A young girl with an old man is a money grabber or ambulance chaser and he's a diaper sniper - and you can guess he's getting high 5s down the pub.

    At the end of the day who cares? Just carry on loving...
     
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  5. DPVP
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    DPVP Active Member

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    biologically older male and younger female makes more sense then the reverse.

    we might have evolved a lot but we still have a lot of views shaped by out evolution.
     
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  6. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    Shaped by evolution? You mean by biology?
    I think our minds are shaped by our parents. For anyone who's in their 40s and beyond, I bet a lot of our parents married both aged 20 or not more than a couple of years 'out'.
     
  7. obsidian_cicatrix
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    obsidian_cicatrix I ink, therefore I am. Contributor

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    A double standard exists, certainly. But I think @DPVP 's first comment is a valid one.

    My history has examples of both. My first partner was significantly older, my second, significantly younger. Now that child-bearing (other than adoption) isn't an option, it limits my scope when it comes to younger men. They say love conquers all. Call me a cynic—frankly I don't believe that.

    For the record, I did face prejudice, on both accounts. In the first instance I was labelled a gold-digger, despite the fact we were on a par, salary wise. In the second instance, I found some women to be incredibly catty.

    I am now single, and plan to stay that way.
     
  8. TessaT
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    TessaT Contributing Member

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    I don't know that there's a double standard, per say, simply because they both have stigmas surrounding them. I don't think that an older man with a younger women is readily accepted, it's just seen more often. For instance, the Playboy Mansion. And I think the term 'Cougar' is supposed to be a positive thing, because it means that she may be older, but that she's sexy and attractive. At least, that's how I view that term.

    People are going to have issues with others... that's just the way the world works. From monogamy to polygamy, swingers, D/s lifestyles, unmarried couples, married couples... someone, somewhere, is going to dislike the way you live your life. Maybe they're insecure. Maybe they're jealous. Maybe they're just assholes.

    Do your best to ignore them, and do what makes you happy. When someone calls her a cougar, tell them that she's always got your mouse! When someone calls you a boy toy, politely tell them that you're much more than a toy (or tell them that you're not the toy, but that you have plenty at home). All that matters is that you two are happy. That. Is. IT.

    Coming from someone who lives the D/s lifestyle, so I get where you're coming from. I'm told all the time how women shouldn't be treated, what they should and shouldn't want in life. Guess what? Other people's opinions mean squat, because they don't have to live your life.
     
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  9. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    D/s? Dom/sub? That new erotic room couldn't come too soon...
     
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  10. Thomas Kitchen
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    Thomas Kitchen Proofreader in the Making Contributor

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    I see no problem with it. They say love is blind, but people don't always accept this. There are definitely double standards, and they're absolutely everywhere.

    Live your life. Enjoy it. Life's too short to care what other people think about you.
     
  11. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    People have all kinds of stupid opinions about relationships they aren't part of. That's their burden.
     
  12. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    @Cogito - well said.
     
  13. TessaT
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    TessaT Contributing Member

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    Ehehe-heheh-hehhe..... :p

    Like I said, I felt like a kid in a candy store when I saw that open up. Why don't they have a blushing emoticon? Geez....
     
  14. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    :oops:
     
  15. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    That's a good one lol. Close to the one I've been using about older women having more experience in um... various procedures...
     
  16. TessaT
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    TessaT Contributing Member

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    Various procedures? Heheheheheh... that was very diplomatic of you!
     
  17. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    Just trying to be close to family friendly :p
     
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  18. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Newsflash: people are idiots. Just ignore them. Easier said than done, yeah, but I have this niggling feeling that in reality, those people are just jealous... or otherwise really miserable.

    There's a double standard, in a way, but young women and older men face prejudice as well.

    (Also, there's an erotica room?)
     
  19. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    I hate to be repetitive, but it's all misogynism, and this is a perfect example how it hurts women and men alike. Simply put, everything that puts a man into a superficially perceived dominant position, such as being the older one in the relationship, more experienced and thus having power over a much younger female, is consistent with 'nature' and the socially acceptable dynamic. Same as a man being in charge (a boss, a president, a bread winner).

    Anything that puts a woman into a perceived dominant position - being the bread winner, older in a relationship, more experienced, higher on a corporate ladder or in charge (boss, president etc) immediately gets perceived as 'unnatural' and to have negative connotations, and men who are seen as 'subordinate' are attacked for being complicit with this and as wimps because they failed to assert their dominance.

    While a man who is more powerful is perceived as wise, strong, an expert or a sexy beast, a woman is perceived as a ball-breaker, to be letting down herself or society or her family ( she should spend more time on her husband and children, cleaning the house), as a nymphomaniac, a whore, desperate etc. It is just society trying to maintain patriarchy as a status quo, and even though they are largely succeeding, things are getting better. In that way you guys are going through what every discriminated group who challenged traditional social order has gone through before.

    I wish you the best of luck, and that things change for better sooner :)
     
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  20. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Of course there's a double standard. Jazz said it very well that it all boils down to misogyny. And yeah, a younger woman with an older man would be called a gold-digger. You can't win, really. Ignore it as best you can. My mother-in-law thinks I'm dirty and that I'll be a terrible mother because of course all Chinese people are dirty and stupid, and God only knows how *ugly* my children are gonna be! *shock horror* and don't even get her started on motherhood because *ahem* well, I'm not Czech, remember, so I'm gonna be a terrible mother.

    Fortunately I only see her about 3 times a year. And thanks to her attitude, I'm pretty sure I wanna have my children in England, not Prague. It's not like I won't let her near the grandkids - I'll let her see them and all, like normal - but that doesn't mean I have to be nearby with the kids.

    In other words, run and run fast from those people. If you can, avoid them at all costs. It's not worth the pain.

    On a milder note, you learn to live with it. I recently found out I'm famous in the Japanese school where I work, because all the parents are really surprised why I was hired, and not someone else. I can only imagine the reason for their surprise is because of my skin colour, considering they were already gossiping about me before they even knew what I looked like, only that I'm not white. But it wasn't hostile - they were just... shocked. Took me a day or two to get over, but they're friendly to me, and the kids like me, so I've let it go. You learn to discriminate between the truly hostile ones, and the ones who're just ignorant but mean no harm.

    Nonetheless, as "unaffected" as you try to be, these are not things you'll forget. It'll shape who you are and what you expect of people, or in some cases, give you more understanding about other things and make you a better person. How it shapes you may not always have a positive outcome, mind you, but you do learn quite a lot from this kinda stuff. You learn that you'll never really fit in one place perfectly, and you need to be okay with that. Choose your friends wisely, choose your communities wisely. Ignore the comments if people mean no harm by it, or talk to them if you value them. Ignore the comments when they do mean harm by it and move away from them. Laugh it off. There's really not much you can do.
     
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  21. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    Aww @Mckk that all sounds so horrible! Being from (technically) Eastern Europe myself, I can only empathise, because you are right, a lot of Eastern Europeans (Slavs) are really racists in the exact way you described. Slavs are actually old Aryans, so it's sort of hereditary, unless you are pale with blonde hair and blue eyes, you are somehow 'less worthy'. It used to drive me crazy when I lived there, it's just a very traditional and ignorant mindset that never got challenged because the percentage of non-whites was always extremely small. My own mother holds similar beliefs to your husband's mother, and my sister married a Jamaican guy with dreadlocks down to his waist, and the abuse my mother is capable of spitting out about him is revolting. Now my sister has a baby, who looks totally Indonesian, it's so funny (he is gorgeous) and my mum is in love with him. Still hates her son in law, though. The worst thing is, they're all convinced they are absolutely not racist whatsoever, and pretend it's because that particular person is a bad person and somehow deserves it.
    It's pathetic, and so wrong, and yeah, I'm so sorry you too had to experience that too :(
     
  22. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Holy crap, seriously? I’ve heard Czechs can be pretty racist, but that’s just scary, like, within your own family! O_O I’m really sorry to hear that. How does your Chinese family perceive your husband being Czech, if I may ask?

    I think this was beautifully said :)
     
  23. slamdunk
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    slamdunk Member

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    I think what is more interesting than what other people think is what you think.

    Do you or your partner view those remarks as true or somewhat true?

    Overall I think for words to hurt it almost always has to hold some truth to it. I mean if you call a super fit person like Usain Bolt "fat" would that person feel bad and go "maybe I'm fat buhu"? Or if you call Bill Gates (he is among the richest people on the planet) a poor looser would he take that to heart? On the other hand if you call a fat person "fat" and a poor person a "poor looser" that is much more likely to strike them isn't it? I think deep down that you view yourself as desperate or possible that your partner view herself as such and that's why such comments gets you out of balance.

    I don't know what your goal with this thread is but we are not the ones making those comments and changing the world isn't likely to happen. What you can do however is getting confident enough in you and your partner that none of this will hurt, or possible learn to bite back. Overall I sense a over-sensitive approach in your post. Cougar and Gigolo does not equal rudeness (it can be but this depends on what was said before, how it was said and how well you know each-other and so on). Maybe these are more of the clumsy joke type that you can laugh about but you look for reasons to feel hurt and so you find them?
     
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  24. TessaT
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    TessaT Contributing Member

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    Gigolo is a male who sells his body for money. It's the equivalent of a whore. I think that's a tad bit rude, even in a joking context.
     
  25. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    there's always been a double standard and always will be, as long as the human race remains dual-gendered... a sad fact of life that is shared by many other dual-gendered species, as well...

    though, in some, the females came out 'on top' and the males don't rule the roost as ours do [e.g., elephants/whales/black widow spiders/praying mantises, etc.]

    a 'gigolo' is akin to a 'mistress,' not to a 'whore' since they don't sell their bodies briefly for a fee only, as prostitutes do...

    as do mistresses [who are also almost always much younger than their 'keepers'], gigolos provide companionship [not always including sex], in exchange for assistance with living arrangements/expenses, or just 'gifts'...
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2013

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