1. Ettina
    Offline

    Ettina Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2011
    Messages:
    441
    Likes Received:
    20

    does she understand him too well?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Ettina, Jan 11, 2012.

    OK, Hikari, a kitsune psychologist, has been taking care of Nick, a vampire detective whose mind was damaged by mind control during one of his cases, for a couple months. He's finally gotten lucid enough for her to ask him about his version of events (she knows from his partner Zoldrak that he was kidnapped and held prisoner, and brainwashed into believing Zoldrak killed his mentor Snowbird, and that recently he made an escape attempt which prompted Zoldrak to ask her to care for him). Nick's language use is garbled. I'm worried that since I know what Nick is trying to say, I'm making Hikari too good at understanding him. So I'm posting this scene here, so you guys can let me know how understandable Nick is. (I know the scene ends kind of abruptly, I'm thinking of tweaking that in a bit.)



    “Do you mind if I ask you some questions?” Hikari said one day as they sat side by side on the couch.
    “Go before.” Nick said.
    “When did you first get sick? What happened?” Hikari asked softly. Nick hesitated. “If talking about it is too painful, forget I asked.”
    “Not explaining it straight is hard.” Nick said. “I worked on a case. I went to the scene of a murder and began to assume a trap. Then leapt somewhat out at me, and I became sick.”
    “Leapt out at you?” She echoed.
    “Yeah. I heard something and turned, and then hit something myself from the rear.” Nick replied. “Then all scattered impressions, anything, didn’t become what is meaningful.”
    “You hit something, or something hit you?” She asked.
    “Something hit me.” Nick replied.
    “And then you were sick.” She said. “Do you remember anything from when you were sick?”
    “Yes, but often I don’t understand you.” Nick said. “I remember in a resounding with handcuffs to be bound. My friend worried about me, but I kept receiving confusion and thinking I was what I needed to escape. Especially as I first woke up.”
    “In a resounding?” She asked. “Where were you handcuffed, Nick?”
    “I don’t know.” Nick replied. “It was a small building, darkness, with opened pipes. I think it became to leave. My friend held me there and I was frightened, and thirsty a lot.”
    “Your friend? Who are you talking about?” Hikari asked.
    “My friend Jared. He was a possessed kid who saw the murder. He decided to help me and in the exchange I tried to help him.” Nick said. “When Zoldrak killed Snowbird, we tried to receive Zoldrak but he used a poison on me and stole themselves away from my friend. He’s been holding us prisoners ever since—until I got away.”
    “How did you get away?” She asked.
    Nick frowned. “I’m not completely safe.” He said. “I was tied to my bed, but I broke the bed and the window. Then I found a significant guy and asked him the fact that I needed help, mean friend but he found he was in league with Zoldrak and he attacked me. I killed him and then gave him lightning and I received still, and then came the nice man I helped. And then you took me from the nice man’s house and I got here to stay with you.”
    “Gave him lightning?” Hikari asked.
    “What?” Nick replied, confused.
    “Don’t worry. Let’s talk about it later.” She replied. “You have to get to sleep soon.”
     
  2. Jhunter
    Offline

    Jhunter Mmm, bacon. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2011
    Messages:
    1,233
    Likes Received:
    45
    Location:
    Southern California
    There is many things wrong with this on a technical writing level.

    But as far as Hikari understanding him too good, is not true. He is pretty literally telling Hikari what happened. So it makes sense that Hikari has this understanding.
     
  3. Ettina
    Offline

    Ettina Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2011
    Messages:
    441
    Likes Received:
    20
    In what way?
     
  4. Jhunter
    Offline

    Jhunter Mmm, bacon. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2011
    Messages:
    1,233
    Likes Received:
    45
    Location:
    Southern California
    Grammar, punctuation and prose. But I assume English is not your first language?
     
  5. Ettina
    Offline

    Ettina Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2011
    Messages:
    441
    Likes Received:
    20
    Actually, it is. Are you basing this off of Nick's lines? You do realize he has a language disorder, right? And Hikari is trying to use simple statements so he'll understand her.
     
  6. Jhunter
    Offline

    Jhunter Mmm, bacon. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2011
    Messages:
    1,233
    Likes Received:
    45
    Location:
    Southern California
    Sorry, I must have missed that part during your introductory paragraph. This all makes sense now that it is in context.

    But, my original statement still stands--you did fine with the understanding part. She doesn't come off as understanding him too well or too easily. It is rather organic--which I assume is what you were going for?

    And even though I was oblivious to his speech impediment--I still came to the same conclusions as her. So it all looks good to me.
     

Share This Page