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  1. kelleymiller
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    kelleymiller New Member

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    Does the use of "unemployment" make sense in this sentence?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by kelleymiller, Dec 16, 2009.

    "Studies have also shown that individuals with mental illness who have lower incomes and more unemployment are more likely to endorse beliefs that mental patients will experience devaluation and discrimination than are persons with better social outcomes."

    Shouldn't it be "Studies have also shown that individuals with mental illness who have lower incomes and are on unemployment are more likely..."?
     
  2. Destin
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    Destin Senior Member

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    I would say 'higher unemployment rates' if it is a generalization about a group of people... I am unsure if it is only relating to people who are specifically on unemployment or relating to people who may experience a higher rate of unemployment.
     
  3. CaliWriterWV
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    CaliWriterWV Member

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    No. That came off very awkward to me.
     
  4. kelleymiller
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    kelleymiller New Member

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    OK, well--the individuals in question are not all on unemployment. I'm actually just focusing on the schizophrenic community, and how stigmatization can exacerbate their symptoms/ make everything worse.
    The sentence, which I got from a specific study, is trying to say that persons with mental illness who have lower incomes and higher rates of unemployment are more likely to report discrimination, etc than persons with better social statuses.

    I was just unsure if persons/individuals with higher rates of unemployment or more unemployment--made sense.
     
  5. Cacaw
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    Cacaw Member

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    If I'm not mistaken, one is not "on unemployment", but is just "unemployed". You might be thinking of something like welfare. I would say:
    "Studies have also shown that individuals with mental illness who have lower incomes or are unemployed will more frequently endorse beliefs that mental patients are more likely to experience devaluation and discrimination than persons with better social outcomes."
    The phrase "social outcomes" is awkward, but I don't know just what to do with it.
     
  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    the original was worded poorly... destin corrected it adequately, imo...
     
  7. Yitz
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    Yitz Member

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    There are parts of this sentence I find confusing. Let me show you what I mean:
    "Studies have also shown that individuals with mental illness ...are more likely to endorse beliefs that mental patients will experience devaluation and discrimination than are persons with better social outcomes."

    So studies show that people with mental illness are more likely to believe they are
    being discriminated against? Is this what are you are trying to say with the sentence?

    Now for the rewrite.

    Original:
    "Studies have also shown that individuals with mental illness who have lower incomes and more unemployment are more likely to endorse beliefs that mental patients will experience devaluation and discrimination than are persons with better social outcomes."

    Rewrite:
    "Studies have also shown that individuals with mental illnesses in lower income brackets
    and higher rates of unemployment are more likely to believe that they and others like them will experience devaluation and will be discriminated against more than persons with better socioeconomic conditions."

    Is this helpful at all, or am I off base here?
     
  8. dgraham
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    dgraham Senior Member

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    This all still seems weird to me because individuals cannot have unemployment (rates or not). Or am I off base? A group can have an unemployment rate but individuals cannot.

    I don't think that any of the re-writes actually solve the problem, and I don't think kelley's update provides enough info to do a proper re-write.
     
  9. marina
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    marina Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's a big jumbled mess at this point. You're saying way too much, and it's causing your main message to get lost in the words. I don't think an edit is possible until we understand what the main point is that you're trying to get across to us.
     
  10. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    In addition to the previous comments, it might help to split the original sentence into two or more separate sentences. It seems like you're trying to say too much in one sentence.
     
  11. writewizard
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    writewizard Contributing Member

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    100% agree. Couldn't have said it better myself. :)
     
  12. evelon
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    evelon Active Member

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