1. Stammis
    Offline

    Stammis Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2015
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    50
    Location:
    Sweden

    Does this make sense?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Stammis, Jan 13, 2016.

    Can anyone tell me if this text makes sense? There are some points that I want to come across, but they are not suppose to be entirely obvious.

    Also, this is in the middle of the prologue so this is not how the chapter starts.

    Directly below her she watches as shattered families prepare their meals and rest for the journey ahead, most of them having lost either one or several of their family members. She raises an eyebrow when seeing the blue eyes of a women together with a man of red eyed decent, a union that was blasphemous not too long ago. Even when the old society is all but broken, she doesn't fail to notice such contradiction. To her left she finds another family, a father with a small child. The child asks. “How much longer will we be walking?”

    “As long as we need to son.”

    “But where are we going?”

    The father pauses for a few seconds and instead says. “Do you remember back at our country when we were going to grandmothers, but we were delayed because of the wind?”

    “Yes?”

    “...and then the ship had mechanical problems and we had to land in a different city but the day ended up great anyway?”

    The child nods.


    “Well this is kind of like this, something unexpected happened and now we have to make the best of things.”

    “Except there is no turning back,” a man says while glancing towards the family. Taken by the intensity of the man's eyes, she cannot but stare as as his yellow eyes reflects the fiery and smouldering destruction happening in the distance. Realising that she finds beauty in something so awful she looks away.
     
  2. NiallRoach
    Offline

    NiallRoach Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    274
    Location:
    The middle of the UK
    It makes sense to me, I don't really know what I should be on the lookout for, but nothing strikes me as nonsensical.
     
    IlaridaArch likes this.
  3. Tenderiser
    Offline

    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    4,288
    Likes Received:
    5,160
    Location:
    London, UK
    You need to tell us the points you wanted to get across before we can tell you if you succeeded. :)
     
  4. Stammis
    Offline

    Stammis Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2015
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    50
    Location:
    Sweden
    Good, I was afraid that the analogy dialogue with the father and son and the description about the man's yellow eyes was a bit convoluted. I am glad that is not the case.
     
  5. Stammis
    Offline

    Stammis Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2015
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    50
    Location:
    Sweden
    I am trying to get across that their homelands has been destroyed, that there are three races with three different eye colours and that there was some sort of rift between those races before.
     
  6. Tenderiser
    Offline

    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    4,288
    Likes Received:
    5,160
    Location:
    London, UK
    You succeeded!
     
    Stammis likes this.

Share This Page