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  1. Juntina

    Juntina New Member

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    Does this sentence make sense?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Juntina, Aug 31, 2013.

    I know this may seem like a stupid question, but I just wasn't sure if this sentence makes sense:

    Dozens of flashlights were sparkling in its blanket like dazzling diamonds

    (describing a dark forest that is being searched with heaps of flashlights)

    Thanks!
     
  2. GHarrison

    GHarrison Senior Member

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    My opinion: too complex with the metaphor and simile, distracting from the point you are trying to make.

    Dozens of flashlights sparkle in the darkness. Keep it simple and the metaphors relevant.
     
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  3. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    gh is right... it makes no sense to me...
     
  4. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    "Dozens of flashlights were sparkling in its blanket like dazzling diamonds"

    It's position of 'blanket' in the sentence that confuses. Provided the reader knows you are talking about a forest:

    Dozens of flashlights were sparkling like dazzling diamonds in a blanket of darkness.

    If the reader doesn't yet know it's a forest then don't use the 'blanket of darkness' metaphor.

    However, unless there is some significance to the 'dazzling diamonds' then it begins to sound like purple prose and I agree with GHarrison, it doesn't need to be there.
     
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  5. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    I like this one better.
     
  6. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    As an example, if the character saw those flashlight beams and in the story this was fantastic, they were rescued, then the lights could be like diamonds.

    But if there was nothing fantastic about the lights, they merely sparkled, then the 'diamonds' metaphor becomes purple prose, it's overkill.
     
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  7. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    yup!
     
  8. smerdyakov

    smerdyakov Senior Member

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    Not really because flashlights don't sparkle, they are a constant beam of light. Diamonds sparkle yes. You haven't told us what "it" is either. So no this doesn't work. The main thing you should be looking to do with a sentence is express, not impress. If you are not expressing something, you have lost the point
     
  9. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I was assuming that the flashlights appeared to sparkle because they appeared and disappeared behind the changing cover of the forest as the flashlight carriers moved.
     
  10. smerdyakov

    smerdyakov Senior Member

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    I would just give up on that sentence to be honest :)
     
  11. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    They could also sparkle like diamonds as a metaphor for how the observer felt about the seeing the lights.

    Either way, I think we agree there should be a reason for the metaphor other than it seems better than a plainer description, because sometimes plain is better.
     

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