1. lameri
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    lameri Senior Member

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    Equivalent to "upon our return"?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by lameri, May 23, 2011.

    For a recount of events, is there anything equivalent to "upon our return"? I don't want to repeat it too much, but every time the narrator/main character goes on a trip, he says: upon our return we did this or that...
    Thanks.
     
  2. digitig
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    digitig Contributing Member Contributor

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    "Upon our return" sounds stilted -- I would expect something more like "When we got back". And why does he say it every time? That sounds more like a problem with the structure than a need to vary the sentence.
     
  3. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    ditto that...
     
  4. darkhaloangel
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    darkhaloangel Active Member

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    Upon our return - when we return.
    Upon our returning - when we return

    Upon our return we will do this
    When we have returned we will do this
    We have returned and this has happened.
    We are returned,and this is what happened.
    We have returned, and this is the story or what has happened.


    This is what happened.


    I gather you're looking for a poetic approach (rather like in a fairytale) that's repetitive in nature to introduce a series of stories that the father told. However, what you wrote didn't quite make sense (I gather the problem). I've included a couple of alternatives. Don't think they will be that useful, but will hopefully get you thinking. Always try telling the story out loud to someone. The process can give a feel for what is natural is a sentences rhythm. Good luck.
     
  5. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    the question is, does he have to say something like that every time?

    and if so, why?
     
  6. darkhaloangel
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    darkhaloangel Active Member

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    I think as a framing devise - the dad comes back and goes, 'now I will tell you a story.' It's a common enough occurence in literature. Perhaps stating that fairytales are a good example holds less reputation than say a novelist. So take Jeanette Winterson's novel The Passion, where she makes good use of these repeated phrases. This is definetly genred and Winterson does use magical realism as a staple in her books.

    There are definete reasons as to why this writer should use this technique - but ultimatly it will be the 'how' that settles the matter. Too much and it's overbearing, in dialogue, and it may be over bearing. But a couple of times throughout the novel could be of real stylistic importance.
     
  7. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    I wanted to hear from the op on this, since we can't know what his reasons are...
     

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