1. TJByrum
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    TJByrum New Member

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    Fantasy Story Feedback

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by TJByrum, Aug 30, 2014.

    I'm gonna give you some elements and you tell me how you would write this story in a quick summary and with notes. If you think I should add, remove, or change anything please let me know.

    The story concerns a singular main character: Toric Valgard, with many other supporting characters. Of note, those characters are: Valius Valgard (Brother of Toric), Lily Valgard (Daughter of Toric), Kara (Mysterious Prophetess to Toric), Sidonis (Semi-Divine Being, ally to Toric in early story), the Icelord (initial antagonist), and Vercyx (primary and later antagonist). There are other characters well, including Ghor Skullgrinder, the Mangler, Avelynn, and Navia, but they're not important for this part of the story.

    The idea is that Toric has a daughter named Lily. Something happens to Lily (such as being killed) and Toric embarks on a quest to retrieve/revive her with the help of an ancient evil known as the 'Darklord', otherwise known as Sidonis. Toric communicates with Sidonis and does as he orders all in the hope that the Darklord maintains his promise - and yes, he does indeed deliver Lily back to Toric. Unfortunately, by doing the Darklord's 'bidding' he has doomed the world... but that's the thing; Toric has been planning this the whole time.

    According to 'legend', the world was to be destroyed by the Darklord's brother, Vercyx; Vercyx would have completely annihilated the mortal races, and Toric knew this. The Darklord on the other hand simply wants to rule; he's just as evil as Vercyx, but he's not as extreme; to enslave and rule the world is his goal. Toric figures it is better to let the Darklord enslave the world so that one day they could rebel, rather than let Vercyx completely annihilate everyone and everything.

    I sort of want to have Toric kidnap/abduct a little girl who developments Stockholm syndrome (where the captive sympathizes with the captor), but I don't know how to implement that.

    So a little bit more about the characters:
    Valius: Keeper of the North (elite warriors who protect the realm of Asgeir from the repeated invasions of the Icelord); later becomes the Warden of the North (leader of the Keepers). After realizing Toric plans to free Sidonis, he pursues him but falls into a trap as Sidonis possesses his body.
    Kara: A woman draped in a red, elegant robe, with obvious mystical powers. She seems to be able to foretell the future, and offers advice into Toric's quest. She knows that Vercyx will destroy the world and so she sets into motion the events that will free the Darklord who will combat Vercyx. I have a theory that would suggest she orchestrated the death of Lily to get Toric to pursue the Darklord's offer.
    Sidonis, Vercyx, and the Icelord: These are all Shaia; Kara may also be a Shaia, but that's just a theory. Long ago the Shaia fought for control and Sidonis was the most powerful one; his brother, Vercyx, rivaled him but could never overcome him. Vercyx and the Icelord combined their forces and devised a strategy to imprison Sidonis beneath Under Deep for all time. Vercyx and the Icelord were later defeated by the Elves and forced into hiding. The Icelord was pushed into the Northlands where he united the Iceni tribes into a cohesive army. Vercyx was terribly wounded and fell into a deep slumber in order to restore his power, but the Elves estimated that time and wrote down a prophecy to warn those of the future. The Icelord repeatedly invades Asgeir, but is always beaten back by the Keepers of the North.


    Never mind guys.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2014
  2. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    I doubt if anyone here will want to write your story for you. Write it (or parts of it) and submit it to the critique area.
     
  3. TJByrum
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    TJByrum New Member

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    I'm not asking anyone to write the story, I was just giving a brief summary/idea and seeing what people thought of it.

    But thank you for referring me to the critique area.
     
  4. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    I would not write this story because it does not belong to me.

    Notes:
    • See above.
    ______________________________

    Perhaps you need to reconsider your question and pose it in a more direct and precise fashion.
     
  5. TJByrum
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    TJByrum New Member

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    Never mind, I'll try to write excerpts of it.
     
  6. Lea`Brooks
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    Lea`Brooks Contributing Member Contributor

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    I know you said nevermind, but I wanted to suggest changing Darklord to something else.. It sounds too Harry Potter to me, and sometimes names that are too similar to other famous characters don't sit well with the reader.
     
  7. TJByrum
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    TJByrum New Member

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    His true name is Sidonis.

    Sort of like how Sauron is sometimes called 'The Dark Lord" in LotR.

    Just like how Icelord and Wraithlord are really called Cortix and Vercyx (depending on the version of the story). Every culture has specific ideas and reasoning about them, and some are actually worshiped, so they have many times, but the terms 'Icelord' and 'Darklord' are blanket names.
     
  8. EllBeEss
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    EllBeEss Contributing Member

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    The thing is people will immediately think Harry Potter or LOTR when they see Darklord. If you're fine with that then go ahead but people do think that way and it could detract from how it is perceived.
     
  9. Lea`Brooks
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    Lea`Brooks Contributing Member Contributor

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    I respect that. :) I have Gods and Goddesses in a book I'm writing, and they have blanket names like that too. But like EllBeEss said, people will immediately think of Harry Potter or LOTR when seeing "Darklord." Again, if you're okay with it, that's fine too. :) But I remember when the movie Eragon came out (apparently people hadn't read the books), people got really upset that Eragon was so close to LOTR's Aragorn.

    Again, it's your call. But you asked for suggestions, so I offered one. :) Good luck.
     

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