1. Celexia
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    Celexia New Member

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    Feedback For First Serious Story

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Celexia, Feb 3, 2010.

    Hi Everyone
    I've been writing a story for quite a while, I think it's great, but just wondering if other people would appreciate the general theme of the story.
    It goes as follows:

    Set in the far future...
    A deadly virus (Swine flu maybe?) Has wiped out most of the Earth's population in the past. Story is set 200 years after the end of the virus.
    Only people that survived were those that heeded warnings and stayed clean. (I.e Sensible intelligent people)
    Protagonist's society is now smart, cautious, wise and sensible.

    New technologies have allowed aircraft to become a major type of transport.
    Story begins revolving around a teenage boy who is getting his first aircraft. Everything is nice and happy for a while, boy starts falling in love...

    While protagonist's society is smart and sensible, in third world countries, people have not become smart and wise, many countries have descended into anarchy. (Caveman/ barbaric sort of behaviour)

    All of a sudden, a growing threat from a 'Warlord' of one of these barbaric nations becomes very real, and all of a sudden, a society that has not seen any disputes or wars (Let alone barely any crime) is thrust into panic as a war looms.

    The Protagonist decides to join the Armed forces with his aircraft to try return his beloved society to how it was.
    He an d a few of his friends disappear, leaving his family and friends behind.

    A few years later...
    The girl the protagonist was falling in love with has become an aid worker for the war (Which is still ongoing)
    She flies overseas to the warring countries and lands in a P.O.W Camp to administer aid to P.O.W's
    While she is optimistic at first, after a few months, she gives up hope, and begins to realize that there is no escaping for her, and there is nothing she can do to help anyone anymore.

    A few days later, rumors of a small mysterious band of pilots that are turning the tide of the war (Which was generally in the evil Warlord's favor) begin to trickle into the camp
    This mysterious group are said to be led by a man in a green and white fighter aircraft...
    An aircraft, the girl notices, is very similar to the aircraft of the boy she fell in love with as a teenager...

    I think it's an awesome story so far, though I haven't really got much feedback, so it may seem awesome to me, but eyebrow raising to others
    Please be nice :D
    Thanks in advance

    Also, sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, I had a snoop around beforehand, and this seemed like the right place
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    A story concept means nothing. I can tell you now, it has been done before. What matters is how you write it, the characterization, the flow, the imagery, all of it.

    There's no benefit in asking what other people think of the concept! They'll either say,"Sounds great," or, "it sounds like a ripoff of..."

    If the idea stirs you, write it. Then ask people what they think of the final story. After they tell you what they don't like about it, revise it, usually several times, until you're happy with it or until you throw up your hands and say the hell with it.

    Please read this thread about What is Plot Creation and Development?
     
  3. Celexia
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    Celexia New Member

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    Ahha I hear you
    Do you mean in the review section? Cause I read you needed 2 credit points or something to post in there. I've actually more or less written the story, I was just looking for a general consensus wether it's a good tack to keep going on, not so much people's personal opinion.

    But yeah thanks for the tips anyway, i'll definitely take them on board

    Cheers
     
  4. S-wo
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    S-wo Active Member

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    I had to read it twice to comprehend everything and as I see it it looks like it is plenty enough to capture a reader's attention and for a lot of interesting details to weave into the plot. It's also good that you have this much detail. It might be harder for somebody just to write a book on love while it might be easier if they have something more specific like writing a book on love in economically distressed countries.

    I like post apocolyptic stories myself and I wouldn't mind reading some of it later on if you choose to share a chapter portion here or if you're fortunate enough to get it published.
     
  5. Celexia
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    Celexia New Member

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    Ahh Thanks soo much S-Wo, that's the kind of feedback I was looking for.
    I'll definately keep you in mind,
     
  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    is this actually just a 'story' [to those in the fiction biz, that means a 'short story'], or are you really writing a novel [not referred to by those in the know as a 'story' but as a 'novel' or a 'book']?

    from the complexity of your storyline/plot, i'd have to assume it's a novel, as i don't see how you could cram all of that into a short story...
     
  7. THX-1138
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    THX-1138 Member

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    To be honest, your idea does not seem that original. Not that the setting is over used, just the whole "Boy gets cool car/aircraft. Boy falls in love with girl, boy goes missing, presumed dead. Girl never gives up hope, finds boy years later." The summary sounds like a bad mel gibson movie. It's been done. Also, nobody flies into P.O.W camps to provide aid. They're Prisoners of war, nobody cares about theyre well being.
     
  8. MagicEvmeister
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    MagicEvmeister New Member

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    Help with research

    Sounds like a decent plot to me, but I agree with cogito - the finished story is what matters
     
  9. Celexia
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    Celexia New Member

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    Yeah the plan is to eventually develop it into a novel. Like you said there's actually a lot more to it than i've given credit for. I was considering a series of short stories to begin with, but figured that they would probably break the story up to much.

    Haha cheers man :) Glad you like it so far. I'm definitely excited about finishing it. It's been a pretty long and ongoing project of mine, but it's starting to get into the pointy end of things, so i'm definitely pumped for it.
     
  10. Northern Phil
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    Northern Phil Active Member

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    I know I'm judging this based on a synopsis, but there seem to be a couple of little plot holes.

    First of all how would a barbaric/caveman nation be winning a war against an advanced society?

    Also, this kids aircraft that he gets, I'm assuming that a mass produced plane wouldn't have military capabilities. So how would he be able to take it into a warzone and begin turning the tide.
     
  11. Phlogiston
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    Phlogiston Member

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    I'm sorry, but your concepts sound fairly implausible. Random illness wipes out most of Earth's population and a mere 200 years later a teenage boy is getting his own aircraft? If we ever have a global near-apocalypse I don't think technology will continue to advance as fast as it has done (sheer lack of resources, expertise, infrastructure, economic demand).

    The virus leaves the intelligent & sensible* but wipes out the stupid, except in 3rd world countries which are left stupid? Now I don't want to be the first to say the R word here, but I'm definately thinking it. That's how it comes across.

    The protagonists super advanced, aircraft wielding country has no crime and is suddenly threatened by cavemen warlords? If you can make aircraft, you can make bombs. If you can make bombs you don't get worried over cavemen.

    I'll stop there. I might be wrong. You might turn it into an awesome story, and good luck to you. But if you asked about the concepts, that's my response. I look forward to the capitalised response.

    * These two do not necessarily go together. Some of the most intelligent people in the world are some of the least sensible. Intelligence is no indication of cleanliness or willingness to follow government instructions.
     
  12. Nobeler Than Lettuce
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    Nobeler Than Lettuce Contributing Member

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    If you want a brutal analysis of your concept...

    Swine flu sounds idiotic. If you're considering writing in a disease it would be useful to know how they work. For a light read I'd recommend "Investigating Disease Patterns: The Science of Epidemiology". Supplement that with a few wiki articles and you'll be more impressive. "Swine Flu maybe?" Shows you've put almost no construction into the back bone of your story.

    The Survivors survived because they stayed clean? Are you aware how the CDC works? We've got precautions against this type of stuff and being clean isn't a problem for most of the world. I know disease was cool in The Stand but it seems like a flimsy excuse for resettling society in the way you like it.

    New technologies make Aircraft cool? Sounds fine, like how hover planes came into being in the Matrix lore. Also sounds like a dumb Anime. The stresses a plane causes on a pilot worries me. The F-16, for example, has special computerized safety protocols that prevent the pilot from snapping his neck, breaking his back, or generally killing himself by maneuvering. It was designed in the late 70s and prototyped in the 80s. So now, 200 years in the future, some unnamed new technology somehow makes piloting planes - better? They already could squish a pilots brain in an instant. You'd think computers would fly them.

    There are other machines of war. I assume you want epic air battles, which is fine except a laser is 100 percent accurate and with enough power could vaporize an aircraft. Also, modern F-15 pilots can track and fire on up to 16 targets, at the same time, from as much as 120 miles away. If military planes have advanced 200 years, shouldn't they be able to at least double that? I'd assume tanks and ground radar, that do not have the limitation of having to be in a plane, could do ten times the work.

    And I'd continue on in this fashion for some time if I didn't stop myself.

    But see, this is what Cogito was saying, a concept means nothing. I could of came in here and tore it apart, or worse, could of given you ideas that you didn't think of. Letting other people turn a weak concept into a strong one is not nice way of writing.

    The truth is though your whole idea sounds silly and would definitely not be something I'd read.
     
  13. Mantha Hendrix
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    Mantha Hendrix Contributing Member

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    I'd listen to what Lettuce is saying.

    Otherwise I think you should know, if you're choosing Swine flu just because it's "current", it is in no way the most lethal disease. It just took people off guard. Most of the worry was over it wreaking havoc in third world countries.

    Come up with your own disease. Then you can set your own rules.

    And please, PLEASE, research how a virus spreads.
     
  14. Nobeler Than Lettuce
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    Nobeler Than Lettuce Contributing Member

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    I just realized that a lot of problems could be eliminated if you started the Virus in the late 1700s. That's right around a lot of monumental discoveries in health science, but a fair amount of people wouldn't be up to date. A perfect time for a second plague. Then you could project that by whatever time you set the story in, people would have just recently invented prop planes. Epic air battles with WW2 style 'guns guns guns' (one model of the Hurricane had 28 machine guns) planes. It would be old fashioned, but modern and different.

    See, there's an idea that you can use. Sorry if I sounded like an ass before. I am.
     
  15. sprirj
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    sprirj Contributing Member

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    Story really needs to be written to advise on this, but what you have outlined is not original at all. Plot is fairly basic and have seen the story done 1000s of times in Manga. Sorry if that seems harsh, but just honesty. I would work on developing the key plot twists, and make it a bit less bland.
     
  16. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    The premise is not working for me. Yes, it makes sense that in a plague situation, the people who have access to good sanitary facilities and enough wealth to isolate themselves from everyone else will be more likely to survive.

    However, I don't think that the wealthy-soap-and-water-using people are going to be so superior that they'll create a flawless society. People who are wealthy, clean, tidy, and keep to themselves, can still be selfish and evil. In fact, selfishness can be a way to achieve the wealth needed to be clean, tidy, and isolated - and staying inside with your modern plumbing and soap and water while the less fortunate billions die all around you, also strikes me as selfish.

    And then, demonizing the third world for _not_ being wealthy enough to be clean, tidy, and isolated, bothers me again. The premise would look to me like a war between the rich and the poor, with a vaguely Calvinist view of the rich as being inherently good and the poor being inherently depraved.

    ChickenFreak
     

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