1. Monie
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    Monie New Member

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    Feedback in order

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Monie, Mar 19, 2012.

    If anyone has any insights it would be greatly appreciated

    I'm writing a manuscript. already a published author on this side, however I'm writing a tense script, does anyone know the correct form of writing the following... If you were to be waken up suddenly...you try to scream but no sound comes out this is the effects I'm trying to create. Thank you for all your feedback

    Kind Regards
    M
     
  2. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    Well, first things first...the first part should be "If you were to be awakened suddenly". That's easy. The more troublesome part is the "If". Given the way you finish, why would you phrase it as a conditional statement? Are you saying that IF I were to be awakened suddenly, I would try to scream? Not so, unless there is something specific that would make me want to scream. Moreover, the presence of an IF phrase pretty much requires a THEN phrase, and you haven't provided one. But the whole idea of second person is to put the reader in a position of your choosing, and the "If" leaves it open to question. I have to believe you lose intensity doing it that way. Straight narrative works better, IMHO.
     
  3. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    not to be unkind, but there are so many grammatical goofs in that confused/confusing post i have to wonder what it is you had published and where... what do you mean by 'on this side'?...how does that refer to publishing?...

    as to your question, as ed notes, nothing makes much sense, so we can't really tell what it is you're asking for... as worded, it seems you mean that everything after the word 'following' is what you want advice on how it should be worded... but i think you really meant only the part about how to describe a 'silent scream'...

    and 'you try to scream but no sound comes out' is pretty much the most direct way to do that...

    as for the 'woken up' or 'awakened' part of the issue, i assume you mean the person who's awakened suddenly is just startled by being jerked out of sleep suddenly and thus would give out with a little shriek, if his/her vocal cords were working... i don't know why you think you need to go into so much detail...

    i'm also confused about what it is you are writing... a 'manuscript' is simply the written form of a story or book and a 'script' is screenplay for a film... so are you writing a story/novel?... or a screenplay/script?

    and what exactly is a 'tense script'?

    love and puzzled hugs, maia
     
  4. Elgaisma
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    Elgaisma Contributing Member Contributor

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    Hello Monie

    There are lots of ways to phrase that sentence. You appear to want an atmosphere of tension? I don't know your character's name. Something like:

    Something awoke me and when I opened my mouth to scream no sound came out.

    (Character), sits up in bed; opens their mouth to scream, but no sound comes out.

    (Character) sits up in bed, opens their mouth to scream -- silence -- no sound escapes them.

    If you type Bookshelf Muse into google it has a setting and emotion thesaurus that will be helpful in giving you the movements that help build tension.
     
  5. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    good suggestions, el, but to be grammatical, the first needs to be 'something woke me'...

    and i'm not sure about that colon in the second... and 'them/their' would need to be 'his/her mouth' for 'their' and 'him/her' for 'them'...
     
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  6. Monie
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    Monie New Member

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    I actually was correct in terms of the "shriek." I was just looking for a comformation on that. I'm full aware of what a manuscript consist of. I was just wanting some feedback from someone else in terms of how they would approach a little girl waking up out of a dead sleep afraid. I'm sorry I posted it as confusing to you guys. Nonetheless thank you all for your feedback have a wonderful day.

    I've been working on the manuscript since 2009 it's hard to explain without giving out the whole story line. I've been published with other books as well. This one is just very hard for me to write well thanks again for all of your feedback.

    Kind Regards
    M
     

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