1. yuriicide
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    yuriicide Member

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    Feedback on story

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by yuriicide, Apr 3, 2013.

    I apologise if this isn't the right place to post this. I'm writing a short story which will be used for a short film (Will be adapted to a script) and would just like some feedback on the first part of it. For those of you that would take the time, I greatly appreciate it.


    *The heat was making him weary. As far as they could see lay open desert, a giant pit of golden sand, extending far into the horizon. It was mid-afternoon and the worst time for a car to break down. Mohammed rarely traveled through this route, usually preferring the longer congested highways, but his impatience and stubborn nature allowed him to try the deserted back roads, usually barren and empty save for few weeds and occasionally, truckers passing through on their way to the border. The only other time he passed through the long stretch of desert was when his father took him out there with some family friends. That was years ago. He remembered the shapes the sand made on the earth and the rare weeds and plants you’d find, mostly dying from lack of water. He recalled hearing his father warning him about wandering off alone, especially when it got dark. “But I’m not scared of the dark” He would say over and over until his dad would chuckle and stare sternly at him, before shaking his head and smiling weakly. He would run up to his father and sit on his lap and listen to the stories of days gone by. He loved listening to his father’s stories. The way in which his father would narrate the story left him contented and full of awe, he’d move in closer as the suspense grew, and towards the end, right before the climax, sometimes he’d scream in surprise or laugh nervously. Both of them stayed up through the night, laughing, talking, and eating. That was so many years ago. Sometimes he’d sit in his room and read the stories he wrote of the times with his dad, the stories his dad told him, and the notes he kept of those days. His father disapproved of his keeping records of everything, urging him to hold memories alone in higher virtue and just be happy with that.
    The sound of an approaching car shattered his reverie and brought him back to the heat and scorching sun, and his realization that he had already spent almost five hours out here alone. The car slowed up as it approached his own and the driver rolled down his window. *
     
  2. WhenIt'sDark
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    WhenIt'sDark Member

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    I have to say I like the first few sentences. For some reason they really convinced me to continue reading but I can't really say why. Well done!

    On the other hand, I think the part about Mohammed's dad was a bit to early. When I read a story I want to be introduced to the conflict immediately. You did mention the car breaking down but I would have liked some more information to start with. Something that makes this story special. I think this is necessary because a plot with a car breaking down in a dessert has been used before.
    I'm not saying you should get rid of this part, because I loved it. It told me a lot about this character without simply describing him. Maybe you could save that for later and first tell me more about what's going to happen throughout the story.

    I really liked it overall and I can see this turn into a script!
     
  3. WhenIt'sDark
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    WhenIt'sDark Member

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    I have to say I like the first few sentences. For some reason they really convinced me to continue reading but I can't really say why. Well done!

    On the other hand, I think the part about Mohammed's dad was a bit to early. When I read a story I want to be introduced to the conflict immediately. You did mention the car breaking down but I would have liked some more information to start with. Something that makes this story special. I think this is necessary because a plot with a car breaking down in a dessert has been used before.
    I'm not saying you should get rid of this part, because I loved it. It told me a lot about this character without simply describing him. Maybe you could save that for later and first tell me more about what's going to happen throughout the story.

    I really liked it overall and I can see this turn into a script!
     
  4. funkybassmannick
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    funkybassmannick Contributing Member

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    Yeah, this isn't the right place. You have to put it in the Writing Workshop, after 2 weeks of being here (which you have done), at least 20 posts (which you've done), and at least 2 quality critiques (which you may not have done yet).
     
  5. chicagoliz
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    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

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    Funkybass is right -- can you post in the workshop section yet? That's where it should go.

    I will tell you, however, I don't like the first two sentences. You switch from "him" to "they" and you're telling instead of showing. If you want more, post in the workshop.
     
  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    ask a moderator to move this... and read the site rules to learn where to post things correctly...

    liz is right about the opening's switch in number... it makes no sense...
     

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