1. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    Feelings of misguidance and solitude.

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by MatrixGravity, Apr 25, 2012.

    This post is considerably long, but I would appreciate some input and guidance. thank you.

    I'm honestly at a point in my life where I feel totally helpless and I just have no desire to do anything anymore. I am just so discouraged and I feel so miserable all the time. I can't rely on anybody in my life at all anymore. I only have about 1 friend currently, and I barely see him because he works regularly, and when we hang out we don't really have much to do. I used to have more friends but we drifted apart, and I tried to reach out to them and bring them closer, but they just refused and ignored me. I also have a few good online friends who I occasionally talk too, but that's about it. I spend the majority of my time at home because I have nowhere to go. I don't have a job, or a girlfriend either so that makes matters even worse.

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    I occasionally go for walks, go to the movies alone, but overall I never have any plans. I never have anything to look forward too. I'm extremely selective about who I chose to be friends with. Not many people understand me and I don't really open up to many people. Overall I've lost the ability to function properly in my life. I have no love life. I have no job. I have absolutely nothing going for me in this world right now. I look at the world around me and I see how full of joy it seems to be, and how everybody is in a relationship and has somebody to call their own. Everybody seems to have goals and aspirations, and they all appear to have successful futures ahead of them. I honestly have nothing going for me. My life doesn't seem like it's getting any better at all. Every day is exactly the same. I wake up, and spend my free time at home on the computer. I just feel so isolated from the world. I have no fortitude left to do anything at this point. Making new friends is just not going to happen. I have made new friends last year, and after hanging out a few times I lost contact with them because they are just too different from me and we don't share the same values and ideals, therefore having a friendship with them was pointless. I just can't relate to many people in this world. I just have a few online friends who I can truly relate too, but in person my social life is absolutely terrible at this point.

    Nobody seems to acknowledges me as a person and nobody has any desire to treat me like a person. I have a really good heart and I'm a genuine person who just wants to feel treated equally and cared about, yet nobody gives me the time of day at all. I am just floating on by in this sad world, ignored by my peers and looked down upon by society. Usually, teenagers my age have such fulfilling lives. They are actively engaged in the world, they hang out with friends, they go to parties, they date and have romantic love interests, they socialize, they have fun, and they live life to the fullest. I just wish that I could be a normal teenager as well, in that sense. I wish I could do all of those things and have a promising life as well. I wish I could experience joy and laughter, and be able to be among friends who enjoy my company. I wish I could fit in somewhere in this world. I just feel like a failure. It's just constant disappointment. I always strive to be a good sincere person and I try not to harbor any ill feelings towards others. I just feel like I'm losing hope as the days progress. I have been a kind-hearted and caring person all my life and I think I am entitled to some happiness. Is that really so wrong? It just seems like I'll never find true happiness. Am I really destined to be alone? My mind is starting to say yes. I just don't even know anymore. There are days when I want to cry myself to sleep. I feel like I am lost, alone and will never find my way.. I don't think anybody can help me at this point. I'm just so tired of never being happy.

    I'm only 18 currently, yet I feel like this is as good as it gets for me. I just feel like I'm squandering my youth by remaining at home, but what choice do I honestly have? It's either stay home, or go somewhere alone and have a miserable time. I can't call up anybody and invite them due to my extreme lack of friends. As I mentioned previously, I only have 1 friend right but now he's never around, and when I attempt to make plans with him, he makes excuses and claims he doesn't feel like hanging out. I have held 3 jobs in the past, but currently I am unemployed and simply have no motivation to look for a job. I don't care about insignificant things like money, because I have no desire to buy anything. I am content with what I have materialistically, but yeah.. At the end of the day I just have nobody to turn too anymore. I used to have an extremely active social life, and used to be surrounded by many friends all the time, but that was just a phase. I realized those people were superficial and after realizing who they truly were, I eliminated them from my life. I just feel like there aren't any genuine people left in this world. Everybody I meet, I seem to realize how they are entirely different from me and I can't maintain friendships with people who are so vastly different. I am trying to make life work, but at this rate there is nothing left for me to do. Even if I go out and find a job, I doubt that will benefit me. A job will allow me to be financially stable, but I doubt it will help enhance my social life. I'll probably make a friend or two at work, but I can honestly say those people will just end up being acquaintances. They won't be actual friends I can hang out with and actually rely on. I just have no hope left in anybody.

    The last time when I felt genuinely happy in my life was probably around 2 years ago. I somehow managed to meet a girl out of the blue, and we spent a great deal of time together and we had a relationship for about a month or two. Every moment I spent with her was absolutely wonderful. Things didn't work out unfortunately, and I was a mess for months. Since her, I haven't met a single girl, or been in a single relationship. I don't know anybody in person that I can relate with and understand on a personal level. I have a few best friends online whom live in other states, and I've known them for several years. I can always talk to them about anything and they always seem to understand my perspective, and they seem to genuinely care about my well-being. I don't have any friends in real life who share those morals or care about me like that.. The only people I see and interact with on a daily basis is my family. My Mom is usually at work so I don't really see her as much.

    It's just very difficult for me to envision a brighter future for myself right now sadly. I've been stuck in this situation for almost 2 years now. It's just really hard for me to fix my life. I just don't know where to start. There are so many worries and concerns in my life.. I'll be turning 19 in a few months, and it's sad that I've achieved so little in the past few years. I'm just really disappointed in myself. I thought I would be able to forge a brighter future for myself. I thought I would be more capable.. I didn't know I would live a life of solitude. I don't mean to sound so bitter and cynical. I just feel like nothing is changing and I just try to remain strong, but at the same I just feel like it won't get any better. I don't know where I'll end up at this rate. I feel like I have so much potential and capacity in this world for greatness yet I can't seem to establish myself in this world. I try to go out whenever I can, but I always come home empty handed. I would love nothing more than to have a relationship right now. I've just been struggling so much with making friends that it seems so futile. Having a girlfriend would be more than enough for me, it truly would. What else can I really do? It just seems like I always end up back at square one all the time.. I feel like in 5 years, I will still be in the same place. Alone, without any friends, no girlfriend.. It just really hurts. I have lost so much touch with the world.. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life slowly, growing older, and still remaining in the same place.. I just don't know where I'm headed. I have no idea what I could expect at this point.

    I would really appreciate some input on this.. I feel really uncertain about what to even do at this point. The only thing that's been keeping me busy is my job search. I've been occasionally looking around once a week for any new openings, hoping to get hired and maybe that will distract me from all of this.. But anyway, thank you for reading I appreciate it.
  2. superpsycho
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    superpsycho Member

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    It's hard to provide specifics since a lot is determined by location. Generally though nothing is going to just fall into your lap. The best thing you can do for your career and yourself socially, is to network. Volunteer to help some organization. Join a church. It's better if you find something you're interested in but something is better then nothing. I imagine your funds are limited, so it has to be something that won't cost cash and lets you be available for interviews. If one organization doesn't work then try another. Do as many as you can. Volunteer fire department, homeless shelter, or even join a political campaign. You may not be interested but you'll meet people. If you show a real interest in them, they will likely take an interest in you. Just don't be a complainer or whiner. No on likes to be around them. Be optimistic and positive. Which would you rather be around, a Gloomy Gus or someone who makes you cheerful.

    You might even meet someone, who knows someone, that has a job opening. I've gotten more then one job that way. And political campaigns can be a lot of fun.
  3. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    Thank you for your input. I would look into volunteering, but the thing is right now I need something that pays because my Mom is struggling to meet ends and that's why I guess I'm ultimately going to need a job. I would love to volunteer, it would just be difficult at this current point in time. I met this guy named Will a few months ago who works at this very fancy retail store, and he didn't even bother trying to help me get a job at his store. He kept making excuses. He initially told me he would help, but then he kept avoiding it whenever I mentioned it. I did a lot of good things for him but in the end he didn't care. That's what I mean when I say I have trouble making friends. Because everybody I meet seems to have some sort of hidden agenda and they are all lying scum. Then I met this other girl named Caroline who also claimed she would help me get a job at her store, and never did either. See, these are the typical attitudes of New Yorkers. They give you the impression they're genuinely interested in helping you, but they never do anything. I also have problems sticking with hobbies as well. I have things I'm interested in doing, but nothing I can stick with. That's my biggest problem as well, so it's going to be difficult for me to find a career because of how easily I lose interest in certain things.. Overall, yeah.. It's just a very overwhelming situation for me. The only thing that I'm just trying to do right now is get a job. I know that things won't fall into my lap, you're absolutely right about that. That's why a job is the only thing that can help me right now.. I've been going to interviews here and there so I guess time can only tell.. If I did get a job, I suppose it would help me.. But still, It's just hard finding friends that I can actually keep around in my life long enough. I am really genuine and people take that for granted and I hate it.. Last year, I learned Photography and it did help as a tool to network, but after a few months I lost interest of it as well. See, that's my problem. I lost interest in things too quick and I just can't seem to develop a passion for anything. I'm just internally messed up and I need sorting out..
  4. superpsycho
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    superpsycho Member

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    As a teen we did anything and everything to earn money. Dishwasher, painted house numbers on curbs door to door and just about anything else. During Christmas went out and picked mistletoe and sold it door to door. When I went to school, I worked at a gas station at night and worked for a landscaping company on weekends. No job is shameful if you do your best. If you need to be available during the day, work at night. And there is nothing wrong with a fast food job. Start at the bottom till you find something better.
  5. Leia
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    Leia New Member

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    Don't let things pile up on you. It's too easy to get overwhelmed like that. Take your problems one at a time. First, you need a job. We're in a bad economy right now, so you're gonna have massive competition...so don't take not getting a job personally. If you take things like that personally, it's only going to lead to more self-doubt and stress. Those people that promised you a job, and then reneged, suck but they may have a completely benign reason for doing so.

    Listen, if there's one thing my thirty years on this earth has taught me, it's that life is gonna suck-there's no avoiding it-but if you trudge through the miles of crap, there will be some moments that will make every single depressive, craptastic, grief-filled moment worth it. Just hang in there.

    And, no, not every kid your age is living it up. I lost a parent, the guy I thought I was gonna marry, and too many friends when I was in my late teens...but all of that was what pushed me into finding out who I really was. Stop naysaying yourself...the bad parts of life, and how we react to them, is what builds character...and I bet you'd be surprised what you're really capable of, when you stop telling yourself you can't.

    This, too, shall pass.
  6. superpsycho
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    superpsycho Member

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    Liea is right. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't change anything. Working to improve your interview skills does. Every interview I've ever gone on I've researched the company. I went in with confidence in my skills and told them point blank I was good. My first job they created a position because of the interview though they hired another guy. In three months they fired him and I had the job. By years end I ran the department. I've spent weeks in a library learning everything I could on a subject because I wanted to be the best at the job. Everybody goes through hard times. Some people just sit and bitch, others figure ways to adapt, overcome and succeed. The first step is to have confidence that you can do it. Then start learning everything you can about the work, the companies and the profession you've chosen.
  7. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    I am very sorry to hear you are feeling this way. But since you asked for opinions, I hope what I tell you might help.

    First things first. Nobody need to "help" you get a job. Many people send out hundreds of job applications before they get a job. It's normal, especially in times of recession. it doesn't mean anyone is a "lying scum". If that's your attitude to others, then you have a problem with your attitude. Life is hard, some people are luckier than others, and you just have to keep trying, keeping in mind that if you are resentful, others won't want you around. If you are pushy, others won't want you around. Just take a step back. You need a job, that's understandable. But you don't have one and it's possible that with this frame of mind, you won't get one in a long time. What's important is for you to start feeling better first, and all else will follow.

    The only people who can be helped are the ones who help themselves. First, I'd urge you to see your doctor. You communicate quite depressed thoughts and if you have depression, then you might be missing out on some help. Also, counselling is a good resource because talking to friends and family can only take you so far, if there are things that need exploring and especially if confidence needs building.

    But in the mean time, to go back to what you have to do to start digging yourself out of the rut. Unless you need medication, which is a possibility, the willpower alone is what you have to find within yourself. What works best is the simplest - discipline and routine. Having 3 meals a day. Getting up at the same time every day. Going for a walk. Exercise is extremely important for mood and confidence as well as health. Small steps. Make sure you eat breakfast and do 30 minutes of exercise, anything, sit-ups, jumping rope, walking to the shops and back, but every day (or at least 5 times per week). If you have a dog or a cat or any pet at all, spend time with them, animals make us feel better. Read as much as you can. Find something you are passionate about. Being a loner is advantageous to a writer. Why not take a notebook and go to town, sit in a busy cafe and observe people.
    Once you have your daily (and healthy) routine sorted out, you'll be tired by the evening, have good sleep and you might feel like doing more. Friends and girlfriends will come with time, but right now they are not so important. What you need to do doesn't require more than a roof over your head, 3 square meals a day and a notebook. Do that for 3 months and you'll feel a lot better.

    Re: losing interest. Unfortunately, the fact of life is that you get to have a job or a vocation or both. Only truly lucky people get to do exactly the job they love, all the time. for most of us, sometimes job is just a job. Same with hobbies. Learning and perfecting skills is hard. It's easy to be enchanted by something for a few months. But everyone runs into a wall and has to work hard to become skilled. I do quite a bit of photography too and I can tell you this - it takes a few years to become good at it. If giving up is your problem, then you have to work on deliberately sticking with something, if for no other reason then to prove to yourself that you can.

    Remember - God helps those who help themselves (btw. I don't believe in a "traditional" God, but I like this saying. If god is luck, it amounts to the same thing). Good luck! :)
  8. The Tourist
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    The Tourist Banned

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    Being synaptically challenged myself, I suggest you go to cognitive therapist, perhaps asking them if you could take an MMPI2 test. There might be other causes for the funk you've fallen into.

    Spiraling downward feeds on itself. In any path to improvement there will be setbacks even if the overall direction of that path is going up. We tend to overlook all of the benefits and obsess on every niggling problem.

    I once had to send out 133 resumes to get one interview. This happens constantly in some trades and specialties. And being so young can cause another issue, limited experience.

    Let me make you an analogy. In some sports they have a 'fitness coach.' Even if a guy has natural gifts, you have to get the guy into shape before he can contribute. You might be in a similar situation. So my advice is to get into a good positive mental state of mind before you approach some employers.

    I used to hire people as part of my adult job. As your search continues, feel free to contact me by PM and perhaps we can polish off the rough spots. For right now, however, I'm more interested in your health.
  9. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    Thank you for expressing your concerns on my problems, it's much appreciated. I will look into cognitive therapy ,thank you for your suggestions. I understand what you're saying. Over the last year or so, I've devoted a great deal of time into working on myself as a person, and I think I've come very far from where I originally was. I feel like I am more emotionally stable than I used to be. Now I don't take things too personally and I'm more rational when it comes to dealing with problems in my life, and I've become less impulsive. I mean, overall I feel like I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life. I do want a job. I just get easily discouraged whenever I attend job interviews and never hear back. I constantly begin to feel inadequate and wonder what I could be missing or what I'm doing wrong. The biggest problem is my social isolation. As I mentioned previously, I only have 1 friend currently in my life. I see him maybe once a month or so. I also had another best friend named Phil that I've known for 7 years but over the last year or so, he's grown very bitter and refuses to talk to people. He claims it's because he's depressed, but I don't know. He used to be a big part of my life as well and we had a great friendship but due to him isolating himself and not wanting to have contact with me, we no longer talk. It's very upsetting for me because he was one of my best friends and we used to be very close until he started to distance himself, and now we just simply don't talk anymore. That's the problem. I have such valuable qualities as a person yet nobody seems to care about that. I give so much and never receive anything in return. I feel like people just don't care to get to know me. I really don't know. I just hate being on my own.
  10. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    Thank you for your reassuring post, I found it very encouraging. I feel like you're entirely right. I feel like I'm overburdening myself and trying to do too many things at once with my life that I've begun to lose my direction because of that. I agree, I firstly need a job. Back in 2011, I spent a great deal of time looking for a job but after not finding anything I got discouraged and stopped. But over the last month or so, I've resumed my search and I've been attending a few interviews here and there and I feel like I'm making progress but still not enough. So perhaps once I get a job, then maybe that will give my life the perspective I desire. I just know that if I remain at home and do nothing, I will go nowhere in my life. I completely acknowledge that. There is no hope for me at this rate. And yeah, those people that offered to help me get a job really upset me. I helped them with certain things and they said they would help me get a job in return but nothing. Whatever their reasons, I don't know.. And I suppose you're right. Maybe growing up as a teenager is not as great as I imagine.. People deal with their own personal hardships at all ages. I've been trudging through crap for the last 2 years and I'm just hoping it pays off. The only thing I really desire right now is a Girlfriend. That would make me so happy. I'm tired of being single. I just wish I could meet somebody. Most girls here in New York aren't very good company to keep around though. They are mostly druggies or alcoholics or extremely pretentious, etc. I can't seem to meet a genuine girl that I like. Maybe that's because I don't spend enough time looking perhaps.. I don't know.. You're right though. I need to stop doubting myself and need to start looking towards better things. I hope I can though. Thank you.
  11. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    My interview skills aren't too bad honestly. I've had about 6 interviews total in the past. Before I go in, I do a bit of research and look up questions that the company usually asks, and I construct responses that I think would be suitable for the questions. I'm not too bad at it. honestly. The other reason why I've been turned down from jobs is because my physical appearance wasn't very good. I used to show up to interviews dressed poorly but now I've started to change my approach and dress more presentably. Other than that, I just hope I get a job soon. The only places that I really apply are retail. I've worked at a coffee shop before, but that went terribly. I'm not good at jobs that involve food at all. I'm terrible at that. I'm only good for retail because retail involves working closely with people and I'm very outgoing and I have no problem approaching others and I can work comfortably in those environments.
  12. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    I agree with what you're saying. I do need a job and I need to focus on getting one. I feel like I have too many worries and concerns which is why it's so difficult for me to focus on one specific goal. While I sit here worrying about getting a job, I'm also sitting here worrying about when I'll meet new friends, when I'll find a girlfriend, etc. All of these concerns are overwhelming me and I just can't seem to handle them. I desire so much in my life but I can't seem to get closer to these desires of mine. I just wish there was answers. I just wish I wasn't so alone and I wish I was like a normal teenager. Maybe friends and a girlfriend will come with time, but it's just hard to determine. I have seen people spend their entire lives alone and I am so afraid of being in that position. When you really think about it, life is incredibly short and my time as a teenager will not remain for long. When I get in my 20's, most of the women I meet will probably be looking for nothing but physical relations. None of them will be interested in having an actual relationship. That's the problem. I just don't want to end up being single until my late 20's and then finally settling down. It's just something I really desire to have right now. I just can't handle being alone anymore. It's beginning to consume me and I try to cope but it's hard. I don't think I need medication though. I do need a therapist though, and I tried getting back in touch with my old one a few months ago but he wasn't available so I don't know whats going on with that.

    Regardless, I wish I could help myself. I am just way too discouraged. I can't seem to bring myself to do anything. I want a job, but I don't have the motivation to find one because I don't think having a job will solve anything. A job will provide for me financially, but I doubt it would improve my social life.. I just really don't know what I can say at this point. Eventually I will have to get a job, and i know this. I just feel like once I get a job, I'll just end up being a workhorse. I'll be working all the time, making money but ultimately I'll still remain alone and sad and single...
  13. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Supporter Reviewer Contributor

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    First of all, sorry to hear about all the things you're going through. I can tell you're a great person just from reading some of your posts in other threads. Like the others have said, try to keep a positive attitude.

    Is there a writer's group (or any other interest group) nearby that you can join? It's a great way to meet people and network.
  14. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    In your post, I feel as if I'm hearing perfectionism and depression. Or perhaps depression resulting from perfectionism.

    And I also find myself wondering if you've ever heard of OCPD, or Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder? It's not the same as OCD, not even a little bit. Some of what you're saying - the perfectionism, the avoidance of things because they're flawed or fail to fulfill your expectations, some elements of black-and-white thinking - make me think of OCPD. There's something called the Cammer test, a series of questions that give you a score to give you an idea of whether you may have OCPD. It might be worth Googling for the test. Of course, having a name for the problem doesn't fix it, but it could give you some fresh ideas on strategies for fighting it.

    I'm going to amble through your post making comments. I'm keeping some and snipping some:

    > I'm honestly at a point in my life where I feel totally helpless
    > and I just have no desire to do anything anymore. I am just so
    > discouraged and I feel so miserable all the time.

    This part, unsurprisingly, sounds like depression. I've been through periods of mild depression, and it colored my view of everything. Things that had previously interested me just didn't seem worth the trouble of doing, or looking at, or remembering, or getting out of the chair for.

    > I can't rely on
    > anybody in my life at all anymore.

    The way you talk about past friends and acquaintances sounds rather like perfectionism and OCPD. You may be assuming that other people's friends are more reliable, more loyal, in general better. But it's possible that, instead, your friends were a normal teen level of flawed and flaky, but you weren't able to tolerate those imperfections. Now, there are plenty of imperfections that shouldn't be tolerated, but it may be worth examining exactly why you separated from your friends and why you reject potential friends, maybe even asking us for an "average man" view on the events that caused the friendship to dissolve.

    > I spend the majority of my time at home
    > because I have nowhere to go.

    > I occasionally go for walks, go to the movies alone, but overall
    > I never have any plans. I never have anything to look forward
    > too.

    And depression again. I understand that it seems like there's nothing worth doing, but there are things that one can do. There may be clubs and meetings at your town that you could participate in, to have something to look forward to. Reading library books, watching movies, getting excited about a sports team, experimenting with cooking - there are thousands of things that one can do alone, without much money, that bring a lot of pleasure. But they only bring that pleasure if one is open to pleasure, and depression closes that off.

    > I'm extremely selective about who I chose to be friends
    > with. Not many people understand me and I don't really open up to
    > many people.

    Here, I'm back to perfectionism. I would argue that it's almost impossible to tell whether a person will be a deep friend, without experimenting with a shallow friendship first. And I would further argue that shallow friendships have value.

    I'm not talking about selfish shallow friendships, where the friend expects something from you and never reciprocates. Instead, I'm talking about casual friendships - a friendship where you may enjoy a conversation about the baseball game, one where your friend would express brief sympathy at bad news. But neither of you would ever dream of, say, asking for a ride to the airport or a loan of twenty dollars, because the friendship isn't at that point.

    > I look at the world
    > around me and I see how full of joy it seems to be, and how
    > everybody is in a relationship and has somebody to call their
    > own. Everybody seems to have goals and aspirations, and they all
    > appear to have successful futures ahead of them.

    I suspect that your depression is making everyone else's life look better than it is. Other people's lives are full of problems, too. But they're not covered in a blanket of depression, so they're able to pull their thoughts away from their problems and take some joy in life.

    > Making new friends is just not going to happen. I
    > have made new friends last year, and after hanging out a few
    > times I lost contact with them because they are just too
    > different from me and we don't share the same values and ideals,
    > therefore having a friendship with them was pointless.

    Perfectionism and OCPD. What is the "point" of friendship? It's not a job - why does it matter if it's pointless?

    Sure, sometimes friendship is a deep meeting of the minds around common beliefs and ideals, but very often it's just shared enjoyment of, say, a movie or a burger.

    Now, while you're eating that burger, your friend may make a remark that you disagree with. That's where the black-and-white thinking of OCPD kicks in and tells you that he is _wrong_, no good, bad, and that you want nothing to do with him. By contrast, someone without OCPD might shrug and conclude, fine, he has lousy taste in music and he votes for the wrong party, but he's fun to talk to. And if you don't dump him, you may find, after a few more years of chat and burgers, that he's that solid loyal friend that comes along so rarely.

    This is assuming that the conflicting ideals aren't major moral issues. But OCPD can blur that, making minor issues into major ones. Again, it might be worth asking someone - us, or the online friends that you mention - for a sanity check. If your friends are taking illegal drugs and trying to involve you, yeah, that's a problem. If they're failing to recycle their aluminum cans, I'd say that's something you can ignore. I don't know which class the issues fall into.

    > Nobody seems to acknowledges me as a person and nobody has any
    > desire to treat me like a person. I have a really good heart and
    > I'm a genuine person who just wants to feel treated equally and
    > cared about, yet nobody gives me the time of day at all.

    This is what's making me think of OCPD. People with OCPD often have very specific, very inflexible expectations of others.

    I sound like I'm blaming you, and I'm not - maybe all these people are indeed lousy. In that case, I'd suggest trying to break out of your usual activities and trying something new, like a new club or a class, where you might meet an entirely new group of people. But to do that, you'd need to push through the depression.

    > Usually, teenagers my age have such
    > fulfilling lives.

    Noooooo. :) I think that you're seeing other people's lives with rose colored glasses. A large percentage of my friends had a miserable time as teenagers. Sure, some are having fun, but I assure you that other teens' lives are not flawless.

    > I just feel like a failure. It's just constant disappointment. I
    > always strive to be a good sincere person and I try not to harbor
    > any ill feelings towards others.

    I'm getting an OCPD vibe again, a vibe where you seem to make demands of yourself and seem to be unable to forgive yourself when you don't fulfill those demands.

    > I have been a kind-hearted and caring
    > person all my life and I think I am entitled to some happiness.
    > Is that really so wrong?

    No, but happiness doesn't come - you have to go get it, even if "go get it" just means getting out of the chair, going to the library, and finding an interesting book. And when you're depressed, it seems impossible to go get it, and it doesn't seem worth having when you get there.

    > I'm just so tired of never being happy.
    > I'm only 18 currently, yet I feel like this is as good as it gets
    > for me. I just feel like I'm squandering my youth by remaining at
    > home, but what choice do I honestly have? It's either stay home,
    > or go somewhere alone and have a miserable time.

    Depression. It's depression that ensures a miserable time, and depression may be making it impossible for you to emotionally "give" to your friend, so that he's withdrawing at times.

    > I realized
    > those people were superficial and after realizing who they truly
    > were, I eliminated them from my life. I just feel like there
    > aren't any genuine people left in this world.

    OCPD. Perfectionism. Black and white thinking. I think that you may need to learn to accept flawed people, socialize with the apparently superficial, and wait for the one in a dozen, or one in a hundred, true friend.

    > The last time when I felt genuinely happy in my life was probably
    > around 2 years ago. I somehow managed to meet a girl out of the
    > blue, and we spent a great deal of time together and we had a
    > relationship for about a month or two. Every moment I spent with
    > her was absolutely wonderful.

    I'm thinking OCPD again. I've read that falling in love can lift OCPD symptoms, because the brain chemicals that that result from falling in love allow you to stop overanalyzing, stop demanding perfection, stop criticizing.

    > I don't have any friends in real life who share those morals or
    > care about me like that..

    "share these morals" is, again, shouting OCPD at me. I'm not saying that it's wrong to expect people to share your core, most important morals, but OCPD can cause you to expand that core so that you demand that others agree on darn near _everything_.

    > I would really appreciate some input on this.. I feel really
    > uncertain about what to even do at this point.

    Get a therapist, for the depression, and they may be able to diagnose the other issues - OCPD is just my guess.

    I know that you said that your mother doesn't have much money, but many therapists work on a sliding scale.

    And I realize that you may feel that a therapist won't do any good, and isn't worth the trouble. And I tell you that that's the depression trying to convince you that it's not worth getting out of the chair. It _is_ worth finding a therapist. It is worth treating the depression. If you feel that you truly won't do the work of finding one, ask your mother if she can find you one.

    You need to knock the depression back. Once that's started, I think that it should be increasingly possible to make some headway on the other issues.

    ChickenFreak
    2 people like this.
  15. Trilby
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    Trilby Senior Member Contributor

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    A writer's group is what I was thinking - there you would meet people that are on the same wavelength as yourself.

    I can remember my own teens - it could be a tough time - but it does pass.

    Good luck
  16. HorusEye
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    HorusEye New Member Contributor

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    Besides what's already suggested, try making one or more changes in your daily routines that forces you to approach life differently. If nothing more, then just for a period of time. If it helps (from a negative mindset) pick a thing NOT to do. For example, you could set yourself the goal of NOT turning your computer on, for 2 weeks. Since sitting in front of the computer and feeling miserable is what you're mainly doing, not being at the computer at all will force you into new territory and make you see things differently. You're in a negative routine and breaking that seems like a basic first step. Spring is here. Turn that darn machine off and go outside. Even if it's boring, once boredom becomes insufferable, you'll eventually find something else to spend your time on. I've been where you are, and I got out of it by giving myself a challenge that changed my daily habits - it was the flake that started an avalanche of changes.

    Oh yeah, and try to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It gets you absolutely nowhere. No one's gonna come and scoop you up because you're moaning. I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just a basic fact worth mentioning, because it's an endless spiral of self-pity that does nothing but break you down further and waste your time selfobsessing. When you feel like pitying yourself, try snapping out of it - tell yourself it's a waste of time.
  17. The Tourist
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    The Tourist Banned

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    Ultimately, that's where you want to be, the problem is that in these periods you might be the last person to help yourself. Let me explain.

    Being bipolar and having lived through a break, I can tell you that "helping yourself" is like breaking both legs and then having some idiot tell you that everything will be alright if you can just stand up. You can't by yourself, it's time for the professionals.

    My dad was like that. He thought my childhood asthma would just "go away" if I weaned myself off of my medicine. At nine years old I wound up in the hospital.

    There's a big difference between 'tough love' and not having the tools to help yourself. Nothing can be lost by going to specialists and asking for an MMPI2 test. I was properly diagnosed at the age of 51. Best thing that ever happened.

    I work out everyday, my mental outlook is great. I went to specialists. My asthma was finally treated, and my BP II is no longer a problem. I was never going to get better with someone telling me to "breath better and cheer up."
  18. HorusEye
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    HorusEye New Member Contributor

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    It wasn't my impression that Matrix had both legs broken. Sometimes things feel/seem more severe when you're in it, and getting away for a bit (by chnaging some minor habit or routine) gives a bit of motivation and fresh perspective that can help bring about the bigger changes. I climbed my way out of an abysmal depression that way - it wasn't easy of quick, but one step has to be the first, and you'll have to be the one taking it. Even the act of reaching out for help takes self-motivation.

    At any rate, my post started with "Besides what's already suggested..."
  19. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Senior Member Contributor

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    Brother, I'll be honest, I haven't read this entire thread, but I did read your post. You need to work on some self-improvement. At the risk of saying something harsh, to a person on the edge, it sounds to me like you are the problem in most of this. That's not as bad as it sounds on the surface. You have to identify a problem before you can fix it.

    First up: Friends
    Friends have lives too. If they are busy and cannot break away all the time, that's just life. They aren't bad people. Make an effort and your paths will cross (even for a tea/coffee once a month). You need to get busy in some social activities to meet friends. Consider looking up a urban farming group (I know NY has some), as this will help with food and social activities.

    Job:
    You need one, as you are aware. Look for a call center or retail position, they are pretty basic and entry level. Call centers may be more up your alley right now, since you may/may not be lacking in interpersonal skills. If you meet a person and they have a job, it doesn't mean they are obligated to get you one too; even your friends. This is not a slight against you or a character flaw in them. They have to vouch for anyone they recommend, and if you are not a good match for the job, they could lose theirs as well. Don't put that on your friends, it will drive them away.

    Depressive funk:
    Brother, this is the root of everything. There are tons of resources out there for help in this category. I am not a doctor, I cannot diagnose the source of your depression. Neither can anyone here. There are lots of free services out there. Here is an article from the NY times about some: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/21/health/21patient.html and here is the New York City site, listing services that are out there: http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/html/dmh/dmh.shtml Please look into these. Talking to a professional really does help. It helped me out of a pretty dark place that only grew worse for nearly 3 years following a friend's death. There is no more shame in talking to a psychologist than there is in going to a regular doctor.

    After you get you feet under you, consider some fun character building exercises, like this one from the Art of Manliness: http://community.artofmanliness.com/group/30-days-to-a-better-man-2012?xg_source=activity

    I hope this all helps. God Speed, and good luck.
  20. Allan Paas
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    Allan Paas New Member

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    I saw this thread when it first started, then postponed reading it, and then forgot it. Now I stumbled upon it. We actually have quite many similarities.

    I am rather closed up myself, I don't open up so easily.
    Unlike you I have no friends at all and if I were to search for some I would be very picky about them too. Back in school, the people I knew were more acquaintances than actual friends.
    To me it seems that those with a greater capacity for thinking are much more likely to be miserable and unhappy (at least until there is no purpose in life). We notice things that others don't and avoid contact with those we don't or might not like. It makes sense, we protect ourselves, even if it is unconscious. Different people clashing together causes stress.

    The reason why people are so happy is because they don't think nor really care about anything but their own lives or lives of their closest ones. They don't have the capacity for something higher, more demanding, so to say.

    I've been stuck in the same place for a little over a year myself but luckily I should get out of here within this year. A new place, a new beginning, sort of.

    I'm 21 but I remember a similar state with myself when I was 18 or 19. With me it lasted a few weeks, perhaps just one. I saw my situation, let something go, accepted what was left, and decided to go on and see how things turn out. Even still, until I was 20 I did not really know what to do with my life, nothing really had a point.

    Spirituality. It is not religion (as it turns out, but they do use it). What it basically is is figuring life out for yourself, setting a purpose, managing your mental state (emotions, feelings, etc.). I found out about it a few months ago, turns out I've been doing it for a few years.
    When living in solitude you have a lot of time for thinking, over everything. A lot of time to set your goals straight, to figure out what you want to do with your life. And once you have a clear purpose and control over your own life (over your own mind), things will get much much brighter.
  21. Gonissa
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    Gonissa New Member

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    This feels like my youth -- except I didn't give a crap about being alone. I didn't like how other teenagers did things that hurt their parents and destroyed their brain cells. But of course you just sound like you want to have a social life and just hang with people. I'm sorry to say that the only solution to that is to try. I'm nearly 26, and I have no friends to speak of, other than a few people I know better than I know most others.

    I actually just read something that made me feel a lot better somehow. It was this book, Please Understand Me which describes a person's personality with the Myers-Briggs thing. I recently found out that I'm INTP, the most extremely unsocial and misunderstood personality group of the bunch, and only 1% of the population. It sounds like you might be this too. Reading about this personality type made me realize that it's actually sort of normal to be unsocial -- normal for the type, anyway. Read this and see if it's you. http://typelogic.com/intp.html

    If it is, realize that social functions are just not your strength, and realize that you have other personal gifts to make up for it. If not, you still have gifts and personality traits that make you functional in other parts of society, like the arts or science or something. Apparently a lot of great people were loners, and it was this loner trait that pushed them to do great things, because they can't gain the satisfaction a person would normally get from interacting with others and must find other outlets.

    Advice:
    1. Don't compare yourself to other people. It's never healthy. They're them and you're you, and you're the one that's got to live your life.

    2. Talk to people at your job. Even if you only talk to them about job-related things, it's still a good way to get some socializing done, and maybe develop deeper friendships as a result. Also, directly choose to do something that will force you to interact with people. Like auditioning for a play or walking over to a group of talking people. Just something that forces you to look someone in the eyes and smile.

    3. At the risk of sounding preachy, find God. Quite frankly, I'm in your exact spot right now (except I've been overseas -- hey, you should travel!) and if it were up to the world, I'd be a useless and kind of annoying pile of flesh. Because I know that God has a purpose for me, and created me to be the apparent weirdo that I am, then I know that it is to the world's benefit that I exist. I'm not a misfit, I just might look to one that doesn't understand.

    4. America is a really nice place to live. We have so much opportunity over here, and on a daily basis not too much threatens us. We've got food, medicine, water, guns, benefits for the poor, all that good stuff. The trouble with a prosperous country, however, is that people get stagnant. We don't get to "fight" against anything, or fight for our survival. Which is why you should learn about a non-prosperous country (North Korea is a good example) or take up some kind of cause. And definitely exercise. Sitting in one place for too long makes the body ill-content.
  22. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    Thanks for your post, glad you can relate to my situation. I agree with you. The reason why I am particular about being friends with certain people is that most teenagers are incredibly stupid, reckless, and irrational. They choose to engage in unhealthy and immature behavior and do things impulsively without thinking about the potential consequences, and I'm far from that. I am very careful and levelheaded about how I approach certain situations. That's why it's difficult for me to meet people with my level of intellect and mindset. Plus, I have encountered a great deal of jackasses in the last few years, and that's why I'm so cautious about meeting new people. And I don't necessarily want a huge social life, I just want a few friends. 1-3 is absolutely fine for me. I don't like having a huge number of friends. I've never felt comfortable with that. I'm really happy when I have at least 1-3 friends around. It's easier to maintain friendships that way when you have less friends, at least that's how it is for me. And I will check out the book you linked, thank you. I agree with social functions not being my strength. But having a friend here and there is something I do enjoy though. I love having company when it's available. I love going with a friend to the cinema, or getting something to eat, going to amusement parks, etc. I enjoy doing a wide variety of things as long as it's not with many people at once. Like I said, I hate huge social situations. I am best when I am with a friend or two. That's when I can feel comfortable the most. And I've actually been a Christian for a few years now. Unfortunately over the last few months my faith has begun to waver and I am having trouble maintaining my relationship with God. It's just difficult for me.. I am working on it though. Also, I would absolutely love to travel and see the world. Sadly, I haven't got a car, or the money to do so, but one day I surely will.
  23. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    Great suggestion. I've actually attempted to do this in the past before but failed unfortunately. The reason why I spend so much time on the computer is because I haven't got anything else to do. Whenever I'm online, I usually read or chat with friends, etc. But without the computer, I would basically be sitting in my room staring at the wall. I really haven't got many outlets for entertainment. My neighborhood is really bad, and there isn't really much to do around here. If I had friends that I could see, I would surely be spending all my free time with them, and not on my computer. Sadly, that's not the case for me. That's why it's so difficult to find things to do. I don't even have many hobbies as it is. I used to go out and do Photography occasionally, but I stopped since then. I lose interest in certain things very easily. It was nice when I started, but now it feels more of a chore, then a hobby when I do it. So.. yeah. Although once it becomes more warmer, I plan to spend more time on the beach. That's about it really. I really wish I could change my daily routine, but I just don't know where to start aside from that. And I agree.. Feeling sorry for myself isn't the answer. I just don't know how else to cope I guess.

    It's funny though. I have family who live in Seattle, Washington and I visit them maybe once a year or so over the summer. Whenever I stay there, I live with my Grandmother, and she has absolutely nothing to do at her house. She doesn't own a computer, and there aren't many sources of entertainment available to me there. So when I was there back in 2010, I spent a great deal of time outdoors and just outside in general, and It felt very liberating. Washington is a very beautiful place especially so there was so many pleasant things to see around the surrounding neighborhood. Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury here where I live in NYC.. If I get a chance to go back to Washington this year, I think it will do a great deal of good for me. I really need a change of scenery. I feel suffocated at this point and don't know how much I can endure. Granted, it was boring there but still at least I wasn't confined to a bedroom all day long like I am here.
  24. HorusEye
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    HorusEye New Member Contributor

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    You'll be staring at the wall for the first two days, and then that'll become insufferable, and you'll find something else to do! There was a time before computers were invented and people didn't have trouble making time pass. I suggested that particular challenge because by definition it's very simple (do NOT press the on switch), and at the same time forces you to be inventive -- what to do with all that time?! Just try it for a week first, if that makes it more bearable. I cannot believe there's nothing to do in New York. :)
  25. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Member

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    I don't even know where to begin, but you're right. Although I figure once I get a job I won't spend so much time at home, and therefore won't be on the computer as much. Aside from that, for now I just can't seem to think of anything. If I had friends this would be very easy, but sadly I live a very mundane generic life. I just don't know how to occupy my time the right way.. When I'm not on the computer, I'm usually sleeping or cleaning the house but not much else. I wish it wasn't like this though.. but I'm working on it.
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