1. Felipe
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    Felipe Active Member

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    Fiction is after all, fiction

    Discussion in 'Character Development' started by Felipe, Dec 2, 2011.

    Therefore you determine the boundaries of your own reality. I've introduced a character fashioned after my daughter in law and named her "Isabel". MY DIL liked the character so much she named our new grand daughter the same. The year is 1643 but yes, they had psychics back then, they just called them by different names. I would like some feedback. a little background, the main characters, pirates went to move the last of their treasure to their new home and were sunk in a hurricane. The women are understandably very worried and most are beginning to lose hop. enter Isabel...



    CHAPTER SIXTY EIGHT



    THE DREAM




    The settlement at Playa Del Carmen has weathered the storm well, they had built these homes to withstand just such a storm. Some minor flooding had taken place, but with the doors and windows open they were drying out quickly. Victoria, Angelica, Shayla and Lisa all walked down to the beach and looked out to sea. What was usually a beautiful turquoise green, then a deep blue ocean, was now an ugly brown color. A lot of Debris had washed up on the beach.

    Three days later they still had not returned. The women waited on the beach every day, all day looking out to sea, “They are lost, the storm has taken them. They are never coming back.” Angelica said as she began to cry. Shayla also began to cry holding her.

    “Stop this!” Victoria said, “They are alive and coming back. I can feel it here in my heart.” she said, pointing her finger at her heart, “I would know if my man were dead and he is alive, they all are and even now they struggle to get back home. The sea may have taken their ships, but it did not take them. Felipe once told me that the gates of hell could not stop him from returning home to me. They will be back.”

    They stood watch all day, then finally went home as the sun set. Victoria was tossing and turning in a fitful sleep. She heard something and sat up on her elbows. There at the foot of her bed stood Isabel smiling at her. Angelica and Shayla stood on either side of her.

    They looked very real except that they were slightly transparent, she could see the details of the room behind and through them, “What are you doing here? What is going on?” she asked.

    “You are dreaming, get up, I want to show you something.” Isabel replied.

    She swung her legs over the side of the bed and saw that they too were transparent. She stood and looked down at the bed and saw her real, solid body laying there sleeping. She turned to Isabel who continued to smile at her.

    “Come, follow me.” she said, looking up toward the ceiling. She rose off of the floor and passed right through the ceiling. Angelica and Shayla also rose and passed through the ceiling. She willed herself up and also passed through the ceiling following them.
    The sun was just beginning to rise as they flew along the coast very high following Isabel. She slowly picked up speed and they did also. They were now flying along the coast very fast, the trees below along the shore swept past in a blur. Isabel pointed out the harbor of Catocha passing under them, still she accelerated.

    Again she pointed, they saw the cove of Belize passing with the mountains in the background.
    On she went much further until again she pointed down ahead of them at the beach. A large group of men were sitting on the shore. She recognized Felipe and began to shout his name, smiling.

    “He cannot hear or see you, we are in two different worlds. You are all dreaming but they are awake. You cannot touch them either, come.” Isabel said.

    She slowed until they were hovering over the men very closely. Jeanne Pierre was hitting a clam against a coral head breaking the shell. He picked off the pieces of the shell and scooped out the slimy mass. He looked at it with a disgusting look on his face, “I swear, as long as I live I will never again eat a clam.”

    Batu had a large pile of clams at his feet, he scooped one out as well, “They are not so bad. They are giving us nourishment as well as water, they filter the salt out of the water with their flesh.”
    Felipe looked at him, “Well being as you like them so much, here, have one on me.”

    He threw the sticky blob of flesh at him, it stuck to his forehead above and between his eyes and began to slowly slide down toward his eyebrows. Batu looked up toward it, “Hey! Do not be wasting good food!”
    He stuck out his tongue and began wiggling his eyebrows up and down and tilting his head, guiding it toward his mouth. It slid down the bridge of his nose then slowly fell onto his tongue, he swallowed it and smiled at Felipe.
    “That was a pretty good trick.” Felipe smiled back.
    “Here, you try.” Batu said throwing one that also stuck to Felipe’s forehead. He too began making faces guiding the sticky clam toward his tongue.

    The girls began to giggle, “I see they have not changed.” Victoria said, “At least they are eating and still in good health.”
    “And apparently having a little fun as well.” Angelica smiled, looking at Jeanne Pierre, “I wish that he could see me. I LOVE YOU!” she shouted.

    Jeanne Pierre got a funny look on his face and looked up, scanning the sky back and forth with his eyes. After a moment, he appeared to be looking right into her eyes.

    “He does see me!” she shouted at Isabel.
    “No, he does not, he senses something, he senses your presence but I assure you that he cannot see you. Jeanne Pierre also has the gift.”

    The men looked at him, “What are you looking at?” Felipe asked.
    “I see nothing, but I sense Angelica's presence, she is here in spirit.” he replied smiling at her. She returned his smile.
    “I think you have been in the sun too long.” Batu said, throwing a clam that stuck on Felipe's forehead.
    Isabel looked at them, “You all need to wake up now, you see that they are fine.”

    They immediately all woke up in their beds. Throwing on clothes, they all ran and pounded on Juan Carlos's door.
     
  2. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    some of the many problems i see here:

    = your first sentence is in present tense, all else in past...

    = 'debris' should not be capitalized...

    = not clear who 'they' are in second paragraph... confusing, since it could refer to the women in first paragraph...

    = dialog in second paragraph should be in a new one and the dialog tag requires a comma, not a period... comma also needed before 'as'...

    ...similar and other goofs/glitches abound in the rest, sorry to say... whole piece needs a good proofread/edit... if you want details on all the mistakes, you can send this to me as an attachment...

    love and consoling hugs, maia
    maia3maia@hotmail.com
     
  3. Felipe
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    Felipe Active Member

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    = your first sentence is in present tense, all else in past...

    This is the rough draft, typos will abound until I proof read it. This will read "had" not "has"

    = 'debris' should not be capitalized...

    You are right, as I said, rough draft.

    = not clear who 'they' are in second paragraph... confusing, since it could refer to the women in first paragraph...


    This is like chapter 23, it is apparent who is speaking when reading the entire manuscript.

    = dialog in second paragraph should be in a new one and the dialog tag requires a comma, not a period... comma also needed before 'as'...

    Yes, thank you, new speaker, new paragraph.

    ...similar and other goofs/glitches abound in the rest, sorry to say... whole piece needs a good proofread/edit... if you want details on all the mistakes, you can send this to me as an attachment...

    love and consoling hugs, maia
    maia3maia@hotmail.com


    Are you willing to do this for free? As I said, it's the first rough draft. I typed this at 100 MPH
     
  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    yes, i do it for free... but only for brief excerpts like this... for a complete ms i'd have to charge a fee...
     
  5. WriterDude
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    WriterDude Contributing Member Contributor

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    This is the start of a new chapter, right? When I read a book, I don't read the entire book in one sitting. I can finish a chapter and put the book down for days or even weeks before picking it up again. It would be much better if you told who 'they' are, in my opinion.
     
  6. Felipe
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    Felipe Active Member

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    I just chose a random chapter. I haven't even done the first proof read on it and I usually do at least four, then have my wife do it also. I just wanted feedback on what people thought of a psychic character in the 1600's.
     

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