Well thanks! That's a nice confidence boost. And that title has a few different metaphoric/symbolic meanings to the story, but the literal meaning is a reference to places with extreme wind that forces the trees to grow in the direction the wind blows. Not as magical as it sounds, but a fantasy novel it is not.
From my current project I came to from another nightmare. It was early, earlier than normal. I could hear the radio over the darkness of my room. Dr. Strange hadn't started is rhetoric of conspiracies yet so it couldn't have even been three am yet. I could still smell the surfer from my dream. Thick in my nostrils it slowly shifted into the smell of clean sheets.
A humanoid grub held a seven-foot tall armadillo by his throat. The brown and white segmented hero smiled victoriously as he started to coat his armour plated nemesis with strands of sticky silk. "Time's up, Armadillon!" announced the maggot-like hero as the silk formed a white cocoon around his enemy. "Your pathetic threads can't hold me, Grub Guy!" yelled Armadillon, bursting from his stringy prison before it could harden. Suddenly a female voice interrupted the action, "Simon! Come down for dinner." Armadillon raised his fist, ready to strike down Grub Guy. Before he could land his punch, the two combatants froze when a pause symbol appeared in the sky above them.
Thanks, it's a fiction within a fiction and Simon is the co-adopted brother of the main protagonist, who doesn't appear for a few more paragraphs. Hopefully the readers will be patient enough to get to her.
I thought this was one of the better sentences of the thread. Your descriptives hit multiple sensory targets. "paused" reveals action (prior to pause), "sweat" reveals temperature, as does "dust-caked". "something to say" reveals time, which conveys action and motion, as well as sound. "Dust" also reveals color. I do see opportunity to strengthen the lines ever more. From .." he was reminded" to ...his ears reminded him... From ."..and the people he was" to ..yet the people he was digging holes for would speak never again.. Notice the word transpose in the final last 4 words. Those subtle changes create less predictable phrasing which is more engaging and thought invoking. It was such good writing that I think it deserves those perfecting touches. As a rule, readers prefer 8 words to a sentence, due to working memory limitations and other factors. Going over 15 words, is often wasted message, because of the decay factor. Not many can pull off a long line without losing effect, but I think you did it. Nicely done. John Krone
Wow. Do you have a source for this? I've been on this forum a long time, reading books about writing for longer, and actually writing for longer still, and I have to say this is one of the more bizarre claims I've seen. Where did you get this information?
I'm trying to give up writing after many years, so here are a few of my opening lines. I like the idea behind this thread. Please excuse the formatting - I just cut and paste it in. “Wake up.” Susie stirred a little in her sleep, but not enough to wake up. “Susie, wake up. Check this out.” She was aware of someone poking her in the ribs. Without opening her eyes, she said: “What is it, David?” She wondered if they were in California yet. “I wish I could tell you.” She opened one eye and focused it on the profile of her boyfriend, his face gently illuminated by the green glow of the car’s instrument panel. Behind him, the black of the night lurked behind the window. He looked concerned, which was unusual for David, and this made her open her other eye and turn her head to face him. “What is it? Are we there yet?” “It’s – well – it’s nothing.” “What are you talking about David? You haven’t got a secret stash of vodka you’re putting away on the sly, have you? You’ll lose your licence, you know.” She forced a fake laugh, but the look on his face had started to make her nervous. “Look outside.” Susie turned her head again, this time to look out the windshield. She saw the road, illuminated by the Camaro’s headlights, passing beneath them at sixty miles per hour. Without her glasses or contacts, the image to Susie Atkins was a blurry fuzz of shapes – the road a bluish grey color in the artificial light of the headlights, flanked either side by two thick black strips of desert. “What is it, David? This had better not be one of your jokes because I’m really tired, okay?” “What are you talking about? I’m not joking around for God’s sake – look again.”
Yeah, I'm not buying that sentence formula either though I did like the rest of the post. I have to wonder if it's from some guide to writing educational materials to some lower common denominators. Something like this: The rules of Plain English
I like that opener, @hipster77. Welcome (back?) to the forum, or welcome to the world of posting anyway.
From a story I wrote a while back: They’re living in the abandoned hospital. They spend the hot days indoors, sleeping on piles of rags or, if they're lucky, old mattresses filled with straw. At night they leave the hospital to beg for food.
I like the concept. I'm not sure "They" draws me in as much as named people might. But then I don't know where you go from there.
Martin walked into the pub and sat down at a table with the same familiar patrons, each was drinking and smiling, however, there was a member missing and it always felt wrong when that happened.
May I? Martin sat down at a familiar table, eyeing the same patrons he'd seen drinking and laughing in the pub many times before. But there was a member missing and it always felt wrong when that happened. Sorry, couldn't help myself. We don't need "walked in" if it's clear he just got there. We don't need "was" because drinking and smiling are verbs that work without it. And laughing is a bit more active than smiling. "However" is OK, I shortened it to "but" as a gut reaction. That may or may not be an improvement. It's a good start, and an interesting opening.
Needs work but here's mine. I would give anything to hear a sound other than the noise chirping of crickets, even the sounds of my parents arguing would be a welcome relief from the constant chirping. I can't remember the last time I heard the sounds of another person. Maybe I never have, maybe I made everything up.
Darien sat on his best friend's couch, halfway through his first joint, when his cellphone rang. He thought for just one second about answering it, but upon exhale he came to the sudden realization that whoever it was could wait. Nothing could be that damn important today. Actually the beginning to my second novel I have brewing around. My decision to have a "boring" first chapter in my current WIP in order to kung fu drop the reader into action in the second and third chapters is coming under sharp scrutiny. My true "first lines" are now dependent on if I'm going to add a prologue or not to get the reader going before the first chapter. Guess I'll figure it out 40,000 words from now.
Thank you. The only thing, what I wanted to get across was that he sat down at a table with the same people he always sat with. Your change made it seem like he didn't sit with those people. I have a tendency to start stories like a script. I think that's where the "Martin walked in..."
So the "same patrons" are also his friends at the table? I missed that in your original, my bad, but also something other readers might miss, I think because you called them "patrons" rather than friends: Can he call them friends?
Once a decade Sharber asked, "How were we made?" - from Moon Grubs. This punker flagged me down and asked me if I seen Tinsel. Before I could open my mouth, he went on to try and describe her - “She’s this freak. Nice freak. Ties tinsel in her hair, that’s how she got her name, ya know? She gonna run away and I want my boom box back.” Two thoughts logjammed; why would he take one look at me and think I hang out with Tinsel, no offense to Tinsel and what - run away? Is she talking California again. I groan inwardly. - from Tinsel Sign up now! - from Untitled ( the story that's been written and written like four times - and four different ways )
