1. Lilly James Haro
    Offline

    Lilly James Haro The Grey Warden

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2014
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    Kirkwall, Free Marches, Thedas

    Contest Winner! Flash Fiction Contest #31 - Well Done Doggiedude!

    Discussion in 'Bi-Weekly Flash Fiction Contest Archives' started by Lilly James Haro, Apr 12, 2016.

    Congratulations to the newest winner of the Flash Fiction Contest, @doggiedude who wrote the entry, ‘Eyes’. Well Done! All the entries were fantastic and it was very tough, congratulations to @BruceA as well who came second with the entry ‘A Thief from the Night’. Thank you to all who read the entries and voted as well.



    @Wreybies, if you could please present the medal :)
     
    Tenderiser and Oscar Leigh like this.
  2. Lilly James Haro
    Offline

    Lilly James Haro The Grey Warden

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2014
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    Kirkwall, Free Marches, Thedas
    And here is the winning entry!

    Eyes (450 words)


    I looked at him directly in the eyes and whispered “Why?” No response. I hated looking at those eyes. I’ve heard people call them hazel but they just look brown to me. Again I said “Why? Why would you kill her?” He looked like he was about to answer me then just pursed his lips. Light was fading in the room and I could see the dying orange haze of the sunset from the mirror. I looked at my brother again and said “Give me some reason. She was our sister dammit. Do you have any idea what mom and dad are going through right now?”


    He finally responded “No. I don’t.” He bit back saying more and licked his lips. I heard our parents call him a psychopath when we were ten.. At the time I had to look up the word to see what it meant. No emotions, no remorse, no empathy. I didn’t really understand at the time. Now at twelve I think I understand it better but still ….. How can he be like that.


    He said “Why are you so upset over this? You didn’t like her either.” I whispered as loud as I dared “I may not have liked her but I never wanted her dead.” He looked at me again with those eyes, that stoney stare. I wish I could understand what was going on in that head of his. Then he said “Don’t worry so much, they’ll never know unless you open your mouth.” I wasn’t so sure of that. He had used a pillow over her face when she was in the crib. I was pretty sure I’d seen some crime show where they had caught someone who did that.


    I could hear mom crying in the bedroom next door. Dad was saying something I couldn’t understand but maybe I heard my name being said. The light in the room was fading more, I idly thought to myself that I should switch on a light. I never liked being in a dark room with him, it would be bad later when it was time to sleep.


    The doorbell rang. Then I could hear mom and dad going out to the front door. He said “You won’t say anything will you?” I thought about that for a minute before responding “No. I’ll keep quiet.” Even if I was, I wouldn’t let him know about it in advance. The fading sun was gone. I couldn’t see myself in the mirror anymore. Good I hated those eyes, my eyes. Dad came in and said “David, we need you to come out here.” Then paused before saying “Why are you sitting alone in the dark?”
     
  3. BruceA
    Offline

    BruceA Senior Member Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2016
    Messages:
    186
    Likes Received:
    368
    Location:
    France
    Thanks for the mention @Lilly James Haro! Well deserved first place @doggiedude : I voted for Eyes to win! The twist was excellent: I really thought they were two people (I thought brother and sister, for some reason I thought 'I' was female).
     
  4. doggiedude
    Offline

    doggiedude Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2016
    Messages:
    1,454
    Likes Received:
    1,250
    Location:
    Florida, USA, Earth, The Sol System
    Thanks all :bigsmile:
     
    BruceA likes this.
  5. Oscar Leigh
    Offline

    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2016
    Messages:
    4,425
    Likes Received:
    1,982
    Location:
    Australia
    Congrats! :cheerleader::cheerleader::cheerleader:
     
  6. Oscar Leigh
    Offline

    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2016
    Messages:
    4,425
    Likes Received:
    1,982
    Location:
    Australia
    Wow, great story. My one problem is stereotyping psychopath to mean a complete psychopath. And even then "no emotions" is not true. Just not empathy and guilt. But I'm a correctness Nazi so don't mind me. Great story.
     
  7. doggiedude
    Offline

    doggiedude Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2016
    Messages:
    1,454
    Likes Received:
    1,250
    Location:
    Florida, USA, Earth, The Sol System
    Yeah... I was worried about all that but from the eyes (get it .. get it) of a 10 y/o or 12 y/o it didn't make sense to get all clinical about it.
     
    Oscar Leigh likes this.
  8. Tenderiser
    Offline

    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    4,288
    Likes Received:
    5,161
    Location:
    London, UK
    Congratulations @doggiedude! I didn't see the twist coming either.
     
    Oscar Leigh likes this.
  9. Oscar Leigh
    Offline

    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2016
    Messages:
    4,425
    Likes Received:
    1,982
    Location:
    Australia
    My questions is; does he have an alternate personality or is he just imagining what it would be like if he had more of a conscience?
     
  10. doggiedude
    Offline

    doggiedude Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2016
    Messages:
    1,454
    Likes Received:
    1,250
    Location:
    Florida, USA, Earth, The Sol System
    The Kid is totally insane... I wrote it as him having an alternate personality. One that was violent and psychopathic/sociopathic, the other the face he presents to the world that questions the actions of the other.
    If I had time to backstory it in the piece I would have him being born a twin with the other brother dying early. His mind created this other brother to fill that void in his life.
     
  11. Oscar Leigh
    Offline

    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2016
    Messages:
    4,425
    Likes Received:
    1,982
    Location:
    Australia
    So is the older brother the nicer one?
     

Share This Page