1. Arachnodron

    Arachnodron New Member

    Dec 8, 2007
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    Game monologues

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Arachnodron, Dec 8, 2007.

    Hello, my name is Mark and I am from Poland. As novice game developer I'm trying to produce with few people casual game and I need help with monologues. I wrote and show them to people on gamedev.net and they told me that it sucks, so I'm looking for someone who could check them and write them better for me. I have bank account in dollars, so I can pay for it and of course I will show Your name in game credits, but I need good text. :)

    This is a logic game, where You, as a player have to destroy in future internet virtual fortress, controlled by The Will (our opponent). :)

    And here are all monologues :)



    - There was a time, when several civilizations merged, creating new dominion and leaving all, who refused to establish their will.
    - For centuries the will evolved and then it made the last terms of collaboration.
    - Again, humanity refused... and that was its fall.


    - You have made your decision and now you are the witness of our times.
    - When the defeated fall, the victorious create new order.
    - This order is our destiny now and we shall fulfil it. No matter what the cost.


    (Game Tutorial)

    - Hello there, I'm your navigator.
    - I will guide you through your first mission and send you all the necessary data.
    - Now, download Personal system and Centaur and Wraith software. You will need them to connect to the system and deal with fortress defence.
    - Great... here, on the world screen you can see your first district. Your software will detect any fortress and we will try to hack it. Last month we lost our last stand in open conflict, so from now on it's the only way to break through.
    - Now... choose your first mission and connect to the system.
    - Okay, it should be easy. They are trying to track us using an old satellite system, so we don't have to hurry. If we want to get into their data we have to decrypt their codes.
    - Now, I will try to find the first combination.
    - Okay, this was an easy one... now it's your turn. Just remember, that you can stop the system transfer and think about your situation at anytime.
    - Okay, we're in. Now, use your software to destroy the marked area. If you want, you can try to destroy as much as you can, but it takes time and if they track us I will be forced to disconnect.
    - Great... now we can disconnect the main terminal in this district. I hope this is a better way than fighting up there.
    - And, by the way... my name is Kate.

    (End of game Tutorial)

    - Wait... someone's still trying to break my connection.

    - I know that someone's trying to convince you not to fight for our cause but... just try to ignore him.

    - I can't believe it. We were so close and you decided to destroy everything. Why did you do that? Why?

    - At last, this is the end of our struggle. I knew that you would manage to do it.

    - Hello there.

    - Okay, I'm ready.

    - There you go.

    - Great.

    - Excellent.

    - Outstanding.

    - Excellent, you have completed your mission.

    - Damn... they're tracking us... I have to disconnect.

    - That was close... let's try that again.

    The will

    - Greetings. I am your destiny now and know, that I shall be watching over you.
    - Centuries ago humanity was divided. One fraction decided to create a new origin. The second one turned to its fall.
    - It will be your priority to choose, which fraction survives and proves the strength of its will.

    - Know, that the great conflict between our dominions had one main question to solve. Who is evolutionarily stronger.

    - I am connected with all beings and know, that they establish my will. As one overmind I have the knowledge of our ancestors and present, the united side of mankind.

    - Know, that I am your only way. Find it and feel the triumph of my will.

    - Know, that we are perfect in every way. Unite with us and it will be shared.

    - Our civilization does not count on human flesh with its weakness. We do not know diseases, death or any suffering. We do not know disagreement, because we are united and from that unity our cause arises.

    - For centuries people have obeyed their will, so from now on it is right to obey me.

    - It is the last stand before our end. Now it is your priority to decide... what shall it be? Choose wisely.

    - You and your pathetic race... You all shall pay for this.

    - Perfect... perfect my child... you have done well. Our cause has been saved and we can feel our victory...
    - Now... open your system and unite with me.

    Please contact me if You want to help me :)

  2. Kid At <3

    Kid At <3 Senior Member

    Dec 20, 2007
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    Old Chinatown, San Francisco CA
    I didn't think it was bad, but you did use quite a bit of cliches. I'm also kind of lost. What is happening in this game of yours?

    Love to hear more!

    ~Xai Xai Xi
  3. ChaoticMethods

    ChaoticMethods New Member

    Jan 1, 2008
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    It would probably help to provide a bit more information on the game so that people could get a more solid grasp of the concept before they begin tossing ideas around.
  4. Nobeler Than Lettuce

    Nobeler Than Lettuce Contributing Member

    Apr 1, 2008
    Likes Received:
    Anytown USA
    You're a game programmer right, then...

    Damn... they're tracking us... I have to disconnect.

    Becomes -

    (Radio static)
    "Subject Alpha locked zz plural niner, tracking."
    "Initiate random burst at sequence 3,2,3..."(fades off)
    Looks like they're tracking us, I'm going linkdead.

    Write it like a movie script and the rest of your crew will love you. They'll know exactly what to do. I'll gladly help with grammar on a rewrite.

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