1. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    Getting silly with your own WIP

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by doggiedude, Apr 11, 2016.

    Line as written: As William walked from the parking garage to the Bouleuterion building he noticed workers restoring the shine to the building’s exterior. The Capitol building was one of the few in the city that received such care. Making the building glimmer against the backdrop of soot and dust which covered the air.

    Line after 5 cups of coffee: As William limped slowly from the parking garage to the Bouleuterion building, holding onto his breathing mask with a fierce grip to prevent him from smelling the city stench, he noticed workers restoring the shine to the building’s exterior. The Capitol building was one of the few in the city that received such care. Making the building glimmer, with sparkles, against the backdrop of soot and dust that covered the city air like a dark shroud over a corpse.
     
  2. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I can't help it but this bugs me... Why is "Making the building glimmer" its own sentence? That's a clause!
     
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  3. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    Because I'm a dumbass sometimes. It was actually a comma and then I changed it at the last minute for some stupid brain fart reason. ;)
     
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  4. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    How about: It made the building sparkle...etc. That makes a sentence without having to otherwise mess around with the wording.
     
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  5. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    @doggiedude : I am not sure what the title has to do with playing around with those lines but in case you scoff at your own sillyness..

    You should see mine! I swear if I'd know what I would start I'd maybe have thought twice about putting the first words down! Just right now I am 40k in and not even at the 1/3 point - and it gets denser and denser by the day!! Look at the math!! :oops: :rolleyes:
    *rant off*
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
  6. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    I started in on a whole new WIP, that takes itself as serious as an orange thinking it is a banana. :p Though I am pretty sure it is for more of an acquired taste due to the content and theme. :p So technically I have in an essence gotten silly with a WIP. I posted the prologue, and it must be just too awful or out there to even get a reply stating as much. :p It is slowly turning into my own 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The world may never know.' Though I am sure there are a few more out there that have some silliness in them as well, just haven't stumbled across them yet.

    But on the other hand, it is always fun to poke fun at ones own work. :p
     
  7. LinnyV
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    LinnyV Contributing Member

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    What bothers me here is the idea that soot and dust covered the city air. For some reason that doesn't come across as right to me. It's more a case of suspension rather than coverage for me. And if you were going to play around with the idea of the dark shroud, I would be thinking more along the line of:

    It made the building sparkle against the dark shroud of soot and dust suspended in the city air.
     
  8. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    Sigh... The whole dark shroud thing was a joke. None of the second version was serious.
    But... yeah, I like suspended throughout the air better.
    I kinda put this thing in the lounge to get other people to be silly with some of their writing.
    I'm gonna just go stand in the corner --------------------------->
     
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  9. LinnyV
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    LinnyV Contributing Member

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    But I actually don't mind the dark shroud, just get rid of the corpse!

    Backdrop is such an overused word...
     
  10. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    Okay... how about this?

    The Capitol building was one of the few in the city that received such care, making it glimmer against the backdrop of soot and dust which was suspended throughout the air.
     
  11. LinnyV
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    LinnyV Contributing Member

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    I'd probably get rid of "which was" ...feels mouthy to me.

    "The Capitol building was one of the few in the city that received such care, it glimmered against the backdrop of soot and dust suspended throughout the air."

    The above would work but it's not so exciting to me anymore. I miss the dark shroud . :(

    That's what you get for playing around with words.

    See? You've unintentionally sold me on the idea of the dark shroud. I like the sense of cloaking, blanketing and claustrophobia. I can visualize so much more. Backdrop suddenly becomes 'proppy' to me. :meh:

    ETA: I will leave you to it though, rather than corrupt your writing further. lol
     
  12. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    The Capitol building was one of the few in the city that received such care, it glimmered against the dark shroud of soot and dust suspended throughout the air.
     
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  13. LinnyV
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    LinnyV Contributing Member

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    @doggiedude, I don't mean to push you one way or another.

    I'm more cheering the fact that you came up with something illustrative that could potentially replace a well worn word. Just didn't want it to go into the automatic discard pile without some further consideration, but you know your story better. :)
     
  14. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    I always feel kinda goofy using flowery terms to describe things. I guess I be one of dem plain spoken people.
     
  15. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Haha yeah I know. I think you failed because truthfully, your joke sentence wasn't that bad. You failed at being a failure! :p
     
  16. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    The Capitol building is the subject of the sentence, and is thus logically what the pronoun it refers to; but it's such care which is making it glimmer, thus reducing the it to the status of object. It's confusing.

    Plus, how can you have a backdrop (or, in the previous version, a dark shroud) suspended in the air? Bloody big grav-lifts?
     
  17. LinnyV
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    LinnyV Contributing Member

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    @Shadowfax why so ranty? Why not offer an improved suggestion?
     
  18. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    I suspect poor dude regrets posting this. :D

    Comma splice ;)
     
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  19. Wayjor Frippery
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    Wayjor Frippery Contributing Member

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    I get it. Come out of the corner.

    Line in my current WIP:

    Sofía’s Spanish staccato jabbed at them through the clouds of steam...


    Goofing around:

    Sofía’s Spanish machine-gun-bark-fuck-me-when-I-arrived-in-this-country-I-couldn't-speak-a-word-of-the-lingo-and-I-spent-six-months-thinking-everyone-was-arguing-it's-like-being-skewered-with-words-and-by-gosh-they-speak-so-fast-it-makes-your-brain-bleed grievously assaulted them through the clouds of steam...

    Note on racial stereotyping: it's OK when you're married to the target.
     
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  20. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    Take a look at this.
    [​IMG]
    That's normal life in Bejing smog.
    I'm trying to describe a world where this is the haze out in the countryside. The cities are much worse and people don't go outside without breathing equipment.
    So... how would you describe it if you don't like backdrop or shroud?
     
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  21. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Normal writing: A breeze lifted the leaves. They scurried on the ground like autumn spirits, dancing without rhythm around the base of a tree.

    Goofing around: A breeze lifted the leaves. Their withered, shrivelled bodies heaved upwards like haunted spirits, prancing around the ancient, sacred oak that was to be named the Mazaar Harachkda, one so named because it bore leaves without number, leaves so ordinary one had to stare at it and...

    Oh man I have so much to learn from Saccoccio :crazy:
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
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  22. Wayjor Frippery
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    Wayjor Frippery Contributing Member

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    Getting silly with your own WIP (and @doggiedude's)

    ...,making the building glimmer, with sparkles, against the backdrop of soot and dust that covered the city air like a dark shroud over a corpse.


    And you say that backdrop and shroud are the offending words.

    Well, instead of changing the words, you could get all Chuck Palahniuk about it and stretch the metaphor right out past its breaking point:

    ...,making the building glimmer, with sparkles, against the apparent backdrop of soot and dust that framed every vista no matter where you turned your head, as if it were some grainy, low-contrast photo of a Beijing girl in a breath mask drowning in smog, but of course the smog was everywhere — was a backdrop, foredrop, sidedrop, 3D feelaround-smother-your-senses-from-all-sidesdrop, covering the city air like a putrenscense-soaked shroud over a long-dead corpse with maggots travelling its arteries like the brain-washed commuters who blocked his way.

    Or am I just being silly...
     
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  23. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    Okay.... last time I rework this thing.

    As William walked from the parking garage to the Bouleuterion building he noticed workers restoring the shine to the building’s tinted glass exterior. The Capitol building was one of the few in the city that received such care. The machines scouring the building made the freshly cleaned sections glimmer against the dark shroud of soot and dust suspended throughout the city’s air.
     
  24. SethLoki
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    SethLoki Unemployed Autodidact Contributor

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    MMM stretched metaphors. 'Ark at you guys (@Wayjor Frippery and @doggiedude), on the cusp of outing yourselves as florid prose packers. It's supposedly passé at the mo but I love the stuff and, notwithstanding anyone outside of here * hear me whistle *, I'm not ashamed to admit it. When in the zone nothing better than being dragged from image-invoking noun to long-winded thin-thread-tenuous-allusion.

    Give me some more guys; I'm feasting on you.
     
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  25. SethLoki
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    SethLoki Unemployed Autodidact Contributor

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    by the way @doggiedude you chanced on a good description in your casual natter.... haze out.... hazed-out < I like that
     

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