Were you actually looking for advice on how to improve the line? But I thought you just wanted to make fun of it and for everyone else to make fun of some of their own sentences. How about simply: The freshly cleaned steel gleamed against the soot-smeared sky I suggest shortening it because 1) the machines scouring the building doesn't matter so much, unless you want it there because you prefer more visual detail and 2) the first sentence is already lengthy, thus a shorter second sentence is better for impact. When they're both equally long, with lots of visual description, you start to lose focus on what is actually being said, unless the line is particularly special or poetic, which this is not. "dust-clogged air" is another possibility. I assume you have established earlier in the scene that the air is a haze of dust - if so, then now it would be better to use a shorter, more concise descriptor. If you haven't established it already, however, then your longer version might serve better. All depends on what came before it. Alternatives to shroud could be: haze, fog Other useful words might be: permeate, colour, clog, wash (wash may not be a good one unless it's used for contrast or to be deliberately contradictory), suffocated, blanket, veil, hug, smother, dense, impenetrable, lost, mist dream of dust and grey / dream of dust / clouded glass / sealed off behind the window, one could think the haze of grey was only the misting of water turned to fog, a momentary thing that the coming of day would disperse, that to walk out free of my breathing mask and air filters would not mean death. Or something. I just had fun with it. But you said you're not really into poetry whereas my style uses metaphors and analogies rather heavily, so it may not be your thing I know what I wrote had nothing to do with the actual scene you wanted to describe anyway.
