1. Skyscraper83
    Offline

    Skyscraper83 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2007
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0

    Have i got the tense correct

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Skyscraper83, Nov 7, 2007.

    I was hoping, if someone might be able to tell me if the tenses are correct in my paragraph. In some parts, I have used the past tense to help better describe the present tense. Using past and present tenses in the same sentence is something I am still not confident with, so I would appreciate any helpful advice.

    Things I would like to know are my changes in tense correct and flow well, and does the text have a nice overall flow that it is enjoyable to read? Sentence concerning me;

    “He been waiting well before the sun had arisen, for such an opportunity to present itself, but he would not dare strike until his prey becomes perfectly position.“

    I know I have a past and future tense but a little unsure if I swap between them correctly. I am also concern about the verb “becomes.” Is the verb correct in this future tense?

    “Then the moment he was waiting for appear; she steps forward to feed on a fresh weed”

    Is this the correct use of the semicolon? I am also unsure if I have the tense right.Any comments, grammar wise or tips from a pure creative writing view will be greatly welcomed, and thank you in advance
     
  2. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    is a bit of a problem, as you suspected. Try:
    The sentence itself is a bit long and convoluted for my taste, but that would at least make the tenses compatible. I also removed a comma incorrectly placed after "arisen".

    The use of past tense here is not consistent with the present tense of the rest:
    Instead use:
    or:
    Does this help?
     
  3. Skyscraper83
    Offline

    Skyscraper83 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2007
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yeah, i remember spending some time here confused on what would be the correct verb. I think my error is that i attempted to use a present tense when clearly the sentence was in a future tense. "Becomes" when i now sounds more progressive.

    Again a little unsure why i used the word "was" in a sentence I wanted solo in present tense.
    Arisen was followed by a fanboy?

    You think it would be better to shorten and simplify?
     
  4. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    I rarely have to advise anyone to make sentences longer. There is a strong temptation to make Swiss Army Knife sentences that try to do everything under the sun in one neat package.

    I believe in the power of the simple declarative sentence.

    ??? - Sorry, you lost me that time. I don't think the comma is an obsessed stalker, if that's what you mean.
     
  5. Skyscraper83
    Offline

    Skyscraper83 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2007
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    FANBOYS was something i was shown in early school.

    F-for
    A-and
    N-nor
    B-but
    O-or
    Y-yet
    S-so

    When I see these words I remember one of my early teachers telling me to use a comma. I might goggle this, and refresh my memory on the rule here. Fused sentence is ringing around my head but I cant remember the rule for it.
     
  6. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Ah, I understand now. The problem is that "for" is not used as a conjunction in your sentence. If it were, your FANBOYS mnemonic would serve you well:
    When you are using "for" as a preposition, you do not preced it with a comma unless some other rule applies.
    I'd set aside the FANBOYS rule. It will steer you the wrong way too often.
     
  7. Skyscraper83
    Offline

    Skyscraper83 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2007
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Firstly, I would like to thank you Cogito. Your help and time is appreciated.
    Slightly re-worded and split the sentence to simplify.
    I am a little unsure with the comma here. I am using entice as an introductory word but it is follow with “as he may be” which is preposition. If the preposition was not there I be confident in using the comma. I would like to know when using introductory words that are follow by a preposition is the comma required?
     
  8. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    It would be "Enticed" rather than "Entice". But there should be a comma at the end of the phrase only. It is a parenthetical phrase. The word "as" is not used as a conjunction in the phrase, so there is no comma preceding it.
     

Share This Page