1. harleycurnow
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    harleycurnow New Member

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    Heist/Gang Crime Story Setting. Please Critique.

    Discussion in 'Setting Development' started by harleycurnow, Apr 10, 2013.

    It was an early weekday morning in the middle of October as a Ford Crown Victoria clad in police liver pulled up outside a small, family home. The morning’s fog was sitting think on the ground. Yet another car theft in downtown Brooklyn and the police know exactly who had committed the crime but yet again, there was no solid evidence. Usually, the insurance company would pay for the damages and all would be forgotten but the New York Police Department had anew Deputy Chief that was cracking down hard on theft in Brooklyn and the Bronx.
    A new Anti-theft division had been opened, stationed in Queens that was commissioned to reduce the theft rate by 20%. Everyone new that 5th Street Bowlers were behind it but no one wanted to or dared to tell the police. Bowlers for short, they were the largest gang in New York and were the driving force behind most of the state’s crime. Even the police new but there was never enough evidence and if there was no-one could find out which safehouse the crooks were hiding in.
    New Bowlers recruits were the ones doing the petty car thefts to try to prove themselves but the big thefts, there were a small group of people that committed every single one. They were almost as famous as the Bowlers themselves and were never strictly part of the gang. Just close friends.

    At a truck-stop diner in the outskirts of Mount Vernon the warm yellow light lit up an area just light enough for Fran to sneak around the back of a brand new Big Rig and into the cab. He flipped down the hatch below the steering wheel and connected all the wires into the flashing little device in his hand. He tucked everything back in and clipped the panel on. He left without a trace.
    Without looking twice at the truck he walked calmly back to the SUV like he had made the journey a million times. He climbed in the passenger seat and the car reversed into a parking spot before turning of the engine and dimming the inside lights. Voices crept up and then went quiet as people settled and waited.
    Eli, eagerly glaring at the screen of his laptop which was lighting up his face and the two seats behind him was occasionally tapping and waiting as he sipped his soft-drink.
    “Not long now, come to Papa.
     
  2. SwampDog
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    SwampDog Contributing Member

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    May I suggest you read the forum rules linked at the top of this page before you ask for a critique. Minimum 20 posts and two critiques by you.

    And welcome. :D
     
  3. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    ok a few questions:

    What is police liver?
    How did the police know who exactly stole the car? Was it a vintage ferarri or some other serial car crime?
    Are police commissioners given percentages to take crime down by? As if 80% crime is acceptable?
    What's the flashing little device in Fran's hand?
    How did he drive the car from the passenger seat?
    Did Fran change his name to Eli?

    besides these questions I think you need to read the site rules and rewrite the whole thing, I hate to say but it's terrible

    if you follow the site rules you will receive a lot of help here
     
  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    when new members don't follow the posting rules, it's not a good idea to reward the illicit act by commenting on the material...

    it's best to simply tell them politely to read the rules and delete the material till they can post it licitly and in the correct section...
     
  5. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    noted
     

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