1. briheartzu
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    briheartzu New Member

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    Help with one sentence

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by briheartzu, Mar 2, 2009.

    "Both of the characters lose part of their bond with a woman that they intended only to strengthen"

    Any suggestions on how to reword?
     
  2. Atari
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    Atari Active Member

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    I'm not sure where this is from, but if I were to guess, I would say that it is on the back of the book as a short description. A recapitulation, if you will, of a portion of the story.

    If this is the case, then I would reword it like so:

    Both characters lose a part of their bond with a women whom they only intended to strengthen.

    or

    Two characters have their bonds partly severed from a woman whom they only intended to strengthen.

    Since I don't really KNOW what this is talking about, alternate wordings are difficult to concoct.
     
  3. briheartzu
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    briheartzu New Member

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    i'm writing a paper for a college class, comparing two men from different stories
     
  4. Atari
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    Atari Active Member

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    That doesn't help me, much. I want to know more about the sentence. Can you give me some context? (In other words, write the sentences before and after this sentence)
     
  5. ArckAngel
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    ArckAngel Member

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    "Through trying to strengthen the bond between themselves and Miss. 1 both, Mr. A and Mr. B, have paid a regrettable price of weakening the bond."

    Something along those lines would work best I believe, however only use as an example. You cannot use that exact sentence, or any exact sentence from anybody but yourself unless you quote it. Otherwise it is plagiarism, though I'm sure you've herd enough about that to last a lifetime.
     
  6. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    'part of their bond' made no sense to me. You either lose a bond or you don't. Or maybe: 'felt their ties/bond loosening'. Think about rewording all of this.
     
  7. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Make two sentences out of it. You are trying to convey two points.
     
  8. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    ditto that!... and be more clear about what is being lost, 'cause as was noted above, one can't 'lose part of a bond'!
     
  9. Atari
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    Atari Active Member

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    I know I shouldn't, since you are, after all, you; but I can't help but feel that you can lose part of a bond.

    Like-- some of the strength of the bond leaving could be considered 'part' of it.

    Forgive me if my disagreement is offensive. I have no intention of upsetting anyone.
     
  10. Phifty2
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    Phifty2 Member

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    I don't like this because it makes it sound like they are trying to strengthen the woman, not the bond.
     
  11. The-Joker
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    The-Joker Contributing Member Contributor

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    Both characters tried to bolster their bond with their respective woman, but succeeded only in weakening it.
     
  12. JGraham
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    JGraham Senior Member

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    "The bond formed with the woman was severed as both characters jostled to strengthen it."

    Or

    "Both characters came to the realization that in the attempt to strengthen the bond with the woman that it moved to a steady state of dereliction."
     
  13. lynneandlynn
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    lynneandlynn Contributing Member

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    Mm. I agree with Phifty2...it sounds like they are trying to strengthen the woman rather than the bond.

    Two characters have their bonds partly severed from a woman whom they only intended to strengthen.


    Might read better like:

    Two men set out to strengthen the bonds they held with a single woman, but managed to weaken them instead.

    ~Lynn
     
  14. Londoner
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    Londoner New Member

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    Go ahead - Guess.
    'Paradoxically; in their efforts to strengthen bonds with Miss x, both men achieve the opposite.'
     
  15. Atari
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    Atari Active Member

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    I thought they WERE trying to strengthen the woman.

    Let me retry with this in mind:

    Two men attempted to strengthen their bond with a woman, but, failing this, the bond was weakened.

    or

    The two men only wanted to strengthen their bond with a woman, but instead only managed to weaken it [via clumsy and uninformed efforts].
     
  16. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    close, but simpler is best, imo... sticking to the op's original wording:

    Both characters wanted to strengthen their bond with a woman, but only managed to weaken it.

    or

    Wanting to strengthen their bond with a woman, both characters only managed to weaken it.
     
  17. nudgoo
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    nudgoo New Member

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    Slightly tweaking mammamaia's sentence:

    In their efforts to strengthen their bond with a woman, both characters only managed to weaken it.
     

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