1. shaylyn
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    shaylyn Member

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    Help with rewriting a tidbit

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by shaylyn, Feb 6, 2013.

    I've been sitting here looking at this one bit of my book and I'm having the hardest time trying to come up with a good, witty way to say it. Could any of you help me?

    Basically I want something like "Most people don't take too well to 'hi, there are crazy men in suits out to kill you. And also, you're going to die when you hit 40."

    There's this disease these people have that will cause them to die of seizures when they reach 40 and the people responsible for this disease are out to kill them. I just need this to sound right and I'm having so much trouble with it.

    Any ideas? If you need more back story, let me know.
     
  2. Carthonn
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    Carthonn Active Member

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    If being diagnosed with a life threatening disease that shortens your life span to 40 wasn't bad enough, there's also psuedo-Men's Warehouse salesmen with itchy trigger fingers. Get your Will ready!
     
  3. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    The problem isn't back story. The problem is, we know nothing about your character or how his/her wit runs.

    I'm afraid you're on your own here. But I'd say, go ahead and write it the way you have it. As your character takes shape, and as you mull it over, you'll come up with something that fits your character, and also helps define your character.
     
  4. shaylyn
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    shaylyn Member

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    Well, this character is very sarcastic and witty and a line like that just doesn't fit him. I'm on my second round of editing and I still draw a blank whenever I come to that line. I've read witty replies to posts from other members that have caused me to laugh and I was hoping they might have some input. I may end up rewriting that whole section and taking the line out. The line just doesn't match the voice of the character I have given it to.
     
  5. Carthonn
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    Carthonn Active Member

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    It is too hard to do this without anything to work with. You're line will only work if it perceived as legitimate by the reader. So I feel you want to deliver that line at the climax or after. Essentially you have a lot more work to do.

    That is not to say I haven't written lines like this before I had the exposition figured out. Working is reverse is a strategy but to ask other people for input in this strategy is pointless at best. You are asking us to write your story.
     
  6. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Okay, this is out of the blue. I don't know your character, and I don't know the context of the dialogue:
    Of course it doesn't fit your character. I have no idea how he talks, or whom he's talking to.
     
  7. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    context is needed, to determine the best way to word this... why does he say it and who does he say it to?... and in what setting?... are they alone?... will it be heard by other people?... are they drinking in a bar?... having an otherwise serious conversation?... and so on...
     

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