1. Heather Louise
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    Heather Louise Contributing Member Contributor

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    help!

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Heather Louise, Dec 10, 2006.

    ok, so i started writing this and there is two problems with it. first of all i'm not too sure if it makes much sense, and also i'm not too sure where to go with it now. i would be really grateful for any comments at all.

    The damp night air was filled with the sound of metal on rocks, clinking and banging as it did every second of the day. Dozens of shadows were cast across the floor as bodies wondered around a huge fire in the middle of an opening in the valley. The flames seemed to dance in the gentle breeze, tickling the night air with its peaks. In the middle of the fire was a figure, a silent figure that seemed to sway with the flames dancing around it. None of the wondering bodies seemed to notice the person engulfed by the fire apart from one. One single body stood dead still and watched the flames and the figure inside. He stood like this for some time, admiring the view before him, before wandering off to join the rest of the bodies on their way to the cave.

    ***

    A girl walked fast and steady down a long road in the middle of hundreds of empty fields. An unbearable heat filled the air, causing the girls clothes to stick to her. Her breath was fast and sharp as she had been walking for days. She left a trail of blood behind her as she walked from the blisters that had popped on the soles of her feet. Despite all the pain she continued walking, refusing to stop for anything at all. It seemed important that she got to a town, although she couldn’t remember why. At the bottom of the road she could see the spire of a church and her heart filled with hope. She started to run towards the spire, the rest of the city coming into view as she got closer. Suddenly she could see the tops of sky scrapers and large buildings. After about ten minutes of running she eventually came to end edges of a cliff
     
  2. Avrilkiller
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    Avrilkiller Member

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    I'm in the mood to edit, so I did a quick prrofread for ya...edits in bold.


    "The damp night air was filled with the sound of metal on rocks, clinking and banging as it did every second of the day. Dozens of shadows were cast across the floor as bodies wandered around a huge fire in the middle of an opening in the valley. The flames seemed to dance in the gentle breeze, tickling the night air with it's peaks. In the middle of the fire was a figure, a silent figure that seemed to sway with the flames dancing around it. None of the wondering bodies seemed to notice the person engulfed by the fire apart from one. One single body stood dead still and watched the flames and the figure inside. He stood like this for some time, admiring the view before him, before (those two befores are a bit too close, doncha think?)wandering off to join the rest of the bodies on their way to the cave.

    ***


    A girl walked fast and steady down a long road in (might sound better as through) the middle of hundreds of empty fields. An unbearable heat filled the air, causing the girl's clothes to stick to her. Her breath was fast and sharp as she had been walking for days. She left a trail of blood behind her as she walked from the blisters that had popped on the soles of her feet(think this could be reformed to sound better, switch the order). Despite all the pain she continued walking, refusing to stop for anything at all. It seemed important that she got to a town, although she couldn’t remember why. At the bottom of the road she could see the spire of a church and her heart filled with hope. She started to run towards the spire, the rest of the city coming into view as she got closer. Suddenly she could see the tops of sky scrapers and large buildings. After about ten minutes of running she eventually came to end edges of a cliff."

    Thos're just the obvious grammatical and spelling errors I see, there's a lot I think could be improved by readin the sentences aloud and getting a feel for where they're cloying or off. Also, you need a lot of commas in a lot of places.
     
  3. Heather Louise
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    Heather Louise Contributing Member Contributor

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    owww, thanks for the advice, i had complety forgotten i had posted this, lmaoo. thatnk-you for the advice, i will read through, but to be honest i'm not sure whether i still want to use the idea anymore, as i hadn't really thought were to go afterwards.
    thank-you for the help though,
    heather
     
  4. danHQ
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    danHQ Member

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    The damp night air was filled with the sound of metal on rocks, clinking and banging as it did every second of the day. Dozens of shadows were cast across the floor as bodies wondered around a huge fire in the middle of an opening in the valley. The flames seemed to dance in the gentle breeze, tickling the night air with its peaks. In the middle of the fire was a figure, a silent figure that seemed[Too many 'seemed' don't you think?] to sway with the flames dancing around it. None of the wondering bodies seemed to notice the person engulfed by the fire apart from one. One single[You're already said there's one] body stood dead still and watched the flames and the figure inside. He stood like this for some time, admiring the view before him, before wandering off to join the rest of the bodies on their way to the cave.

    Ya, this paragraph seems a bit confusing, i don't think i'd be able to describe what actually happened. Although i might of done had i been reading it instead of critiquing it... well, might need a bit of a tidy up.

    ***

    A girl walked fast and steady down a long road in the middle of hundreds of empty fields. An unbearable heat filled the air, causing the girls clothes to stick to her. Her breath was fast and sharp as she had been walking for days. She left a trail of blood behind her as she walked from the blisters that had popped on the soles of her feet. Despite all the pain she continued walking, refusing to stop for anything at all. It seemed important that she got to a town, although she couldn’t remember why. At the bottom of the road she could see the spire of a church and her heart filled with hope. She started to run towards the spire, the rest of the city coming into view as she got closer. Suddenly she could see the tops of sky scrapers and large buildings. After about ten minutes of running she eventually came to end edges of a cliff

    [Again, regarding SPAG it is quite good. But the writing seems jerky, with all the full stops. Especially in the last paragraph, above, when you're trying to depict running you want it to be sharp and snappy: not in independant clauses like above. You could even use a colon ( : ) to join the two independant clauses. As colons are used to explain the previous clause, that would be a good idea. You write like i do...]
     
  5. Heather Louise
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    Heather Louise Contributing Member Contributor

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    thankyou very much for the suggestions and that, it is very much appreciated. however, after reading over it, i have decided it is just crap, and think i will approach it from a different angle. i am going to just scrap all of that and being again.
    thanks for the help anyway though,
    heather
     
  6. Thedarkersideofme
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    Thedarkersideofme Senior Member

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    hmmm.....what does the 1st paragraph have to do with the 2nd paragraph???
     

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