1. Solaris
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    Solaris Active Member

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    Holding Grudges

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Solaris, Nov 26, 2008.

    Just recently I've forgiven a former best friend for pretty much 'dumping' me without a word. She's done this numerous times to me in the past, and really isn't 'deserving' of my friendship at this point - but I always find myself unable to hold a grudge for very long. After a while it's as if it never happened in the first place... literally. I always just 'get over' things, even things you'd think I wouldn't.
    So I was wondering, what are you guys like when it comes to forgiveness? Do you hold grudges for a really long time or do you move on and erase it?
    Are you spiteful or peaceful?
    Do you have a grudge on someone that has lasted for years?

    I, personally, am way too forgiving. xD
     
  2. ChimmyBear
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    ChimmyBear Contributing Member Contributor

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    Oh...I never hold a grudge, not that I have never been upset over a thing. But, it seems to me that it takes up too much precious time to hold something against another.

    I am reminded of the song "Enemy" by Jack Johnson, it simply echoes my feelings on grudges and such. Many, many years ago, I was there once, I hated it and was miserable. I made it up to the person I was upset with and we actually formed a strong friendship that has lasted through the years.
     
  3. SonnehLee
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    SonnehLee Contributing Member Contributor

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    For me, it honestly depends on the case. My two best friends at the time basically abandoned me. One, I never went back to, but never held a grudge against. She recently apologized to me. The other, however, the hurt was much deeper and much more profound than that. So, I still hold a grudge against him.
     
  4. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't hold grudges, but know many people who do. Their is only one person I will hold a grudge against for the rest of my life and never be able to forgive. That is my childrens father. Mainly because he makes no effort to have anything to do with them and never wanted them. (Which he always reminded me about and still does)

    I don't like holding grudges, but if you knew the man and knew what he had done to me and my children, you would understand and not hold it against me. He really is a waste of space and I would definitely celebrate his departure from this world.
     
  5. Daniel I Russell
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    Daniel I Russell Contributing Member

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    So he's an astronaut now? ;)
     
  6. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I wish! WOuld make things soooooooo much easier!
     
  7. Solaris
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    Solaris Active Member

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    That's a good way to be. :)
    And I'll have to look that song up, because I get the feeling I'll think the same thing of it.
    I know the feeling though - the few times I attempted to hold a grudge I couldn't stand it. e.o I've never been able to handle being on bad terms with people, even if it's their fault... which it usually always is. o_o

    That is understandable though. Sometimes people hurt you to the point you simply can't forgive them. But I know a lot of people who hold grudges for ridiculous little things. My ex-best friend for example. She's the biggest offender!

    You don't have to explain that one to me, just by the first words of 'makes no effort' convinced me you had a good reason. I can relate to that because my father attempts to talk to me about, three/four times a year, usually on the holidays (not including my birthday which he doesn't remember). And he lives in the same town which isn't very big. At least, not big enough to get lost on the way to my house haha.
    I can't say I hate him though. I really don't care about him period. o.o
    So I understand completely where you're coming from. They're your children and if something bad happens to them in the eyes of a parent it is unforgivable.
     
  8. apathykills
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    apathykills Contributing Member

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    I've recently cut all ties with a long time acutance because i just couldn't stand him any more.

    It's best not to go into details but let's just say that i knew and liked this person for several years and was constantly supportive despite his many failings.

    Unfortunately the more this friendship continued the less i liked him, i like to think of myself as an overall nice guy and a great believer in friendship but i just began to loath the man, so i cut all ties with him.

    The entire experience now leaves me with the opinion that you should have almost no tolerance towards people and unless someone proved he earned forgiveness you really shouldn't give it to him.

    As for holding a grudge, yes i suppose i do.
     
  9. marina
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    marina Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think if someone did something unkind to me more than once, I wouldn't be willing to re-establish the friendship ever again. I wouldn't be holding a grudge so much as simply doing it for self-preservation. I expect and need a friend to be someone I can trust and rely on. If they show that their untrustworthy/unreliable more than once, I accept that they're showing me their true character.
     
  10. Solaris
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    Solaris Active Member

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    For me it's not so much forgiving them because I feel they've shown me they deserve it, it's more to benefit my life as a whole.
    You say you cut someone off for self-preservation, but I let things go for the same reason. But everyone works differently.
    I tend to forgive people - but I don't forget.
    I simply except that a person is the way that they are and move on. I'm willing to stay friends with them because I'm the type of person that likes to eliminate as much drama/stress that I can from my life. And moving on is the best way to do that in my opinion.

    Now, if it were someone who did something completely horrible to me or just generally treated me bad than I'd definitely push them out of my life, but I'd try to keep it on the best terms as possible. I'd rather forgive someone I hated than to have that hatred.
     
  11. NaCl
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    NaCl Contributing Member Contributor

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    There is a difference between "holding a grudge" and ending a relationship. I hold no grudges but there are a number of people that I have dismissed from my life. One such person intentionally hurt my daughter who was only 8 years old. Rather than suffering the internal emotional decay that often accompanies grudges, I simply terminated any further relationship with this relative. She has gone on to hurt others in the family since that time, but my own kids have been spared any further risk. When she contacted me asking to reinstate our relationship, I simply told her "No thank you. I'm not interested." and I hung up the phone. She simply does not exist to me anymore.
     
  12. Solaris
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    Solaris Active Member

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    To me that is the perfect way to handle a situation like that! I think that was extremely wise of you, because holding a grudge is never a healthy decision in my opinion. Though I understand why people do it. And you're right, eradicating people from your life is completely different. I always think it is better to just forget about somebody if you're unable to not hold something against them.

    As far as what happened with your daughter, it proves that you did the right thing by the fact no other problems have arisen. A good example to look up to.
     
  13. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    I am not one for holding grudges. As others have mentioned, it is a source and reservoir for negative emotions and feelings. This is not to say that there aren't things that cross a line with me which will earn the person a big bold X.

    I have an x-girlfriend (yeah, you read right) who ended up dating my best friend, who she knew I was in love with. Ridiculously complicated and totally juvenile on my part because the best friend was as strait as a laser beam, but the whole thing fell on the other side of a personal line. Haven't spoken to either of them since.
     
  14. Nilfiry
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    Nilfiry Contributing Member

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    I live by the philosophy that there is nothing that cannot be forgiven, the only choice is whether you want to forgive. My decision is to always forgive since I see no benefit from holding grudges. You know, actually, there are only a few things that can arouse my anger so i've never had to forgive...yet. I bear no enmity for anyone (exceptions).
    Well, my relationships with other people is a bit more complicated, but that's about it concerning forgiveness.
     
  15. CDRW
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    CDRW Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm just plain too lazy to hold a grudge. Seriously, it takes a lot of effort to sustain anger for years at a time.
     
  16. tehuti88
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    tehuti88 Contributing Member

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    I very much hold grudges. If somebody hurts me, I always remember it. I'm usually willing to forgive the first time.

    If they hurt me again, I usually don't forgive.

    There are lots of people out there, who hurt me, promised me they'd be there and then left me hanging, over and over again...I bet they don't even know how hurt and angry I am. Not that they'd care, otherwise they wouldn't have disappeared like they did. By now I don't believe people anymore when they say they want to be friends because they never mean it.

    What angers me most are the people who get mad that I've gotten mad. I've actually had people who promised repeatedly to get back to me, then, after maybe a YEAR of waiting, when I finally dared to speak up about how upset I was, I'M the one who gets chewed out for expecting too much!

    This has led me to the conclusion that people don't really mean promises anymore. I have yet to meet somebody who says, "I will do this" or "I promise" and really means it. (For this reason I get really, really steamed when somebody says they will read my writing. No you won't. So don't even tell me you will.)

    I've had people leave me hanging for months/years, then return to say they're sorry (or just write to me out of the blue like nothing even happened), then, when I reply, leave me hanging again! This has made me sick of dealing with people or giving second chances because most of the time, even those aren't deserved.

    I still remember all the kids in elementary school who hurt me, all the "best friends" who bailed out on me. I still hurt from people who let me down years ago as if it happened just yesterday.

    So yes, I very much hold grudges. I'm sick of broken promises. I used to be forgiving, to believe in second chances, but I've slowly learned that most people don't deserve it.

    I hate having become such a bitter person but...*shrug*...I wasn't the one who kept breaking my word. I was just the naive person who stupidly believed that people mean what they say.

    Being forgiving never got me anything in life but trampled on and forgotten about even more. Forgiving others who don't deserve it, who don't even know or care that they hurt me, just makes me an idiot.
     
  17. The Freshmaker
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    The Freshmaker <insert obscure pop culture reference> Contributor

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    I forgive people far too easily.

    I think part of that, however, is because I trust people too easily. It leads me to get let down a lot. But when those people come back and apologize (or even if they don't), I treat them the same as I did before. Which just leads to me being let down again.

    So, no, I don't hold grudges. I don't think I'm capable of it.
     
  18. Shadow Dragon
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    Shadow Dragon Contributing Member Contributor

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    While there are people in this world that I can honestly say that I truly hate, but I try not to hold grudges. I will do the same as NaCl and just cut them out of my life if I think I'm better off without them.
     
  19. Banzai
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    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    Oh yes. I very much hold grudges. Not indiscriminately, I might add, but hatred of a few individuals is what keeps me going most of the time. Not healthy, you might argue, but frankly, I don't care. I do what I have to in order to survive, and if that's replacing my soul with a reservoir of hate, then so be it.
     
  20. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    I am a very forgiving person. I am still friends with all my exes. I forgave my sister for trying to steal my Grandmother's wedding ring from me. Etc.

    However, I have a former employer I still fantasize about sabotaging. I worked on an organic farm in the office. They wouldn't give me time off for a honeymoon because they said they needed me too much. So I took only 5 days off to get wedding stuff done and came back to work 4 days after the wedding. When I got there, they had rearranged my office and removed my filing cabinet. I was then called into HR where they told me that they did so well without me that they were eliminating my position. They then offered me a part-time job for less pay and half the hours. They even said, 'You don't want to take this job, do you' hint hint nudge nudge. So I said screw it and left. Because they offered me part-time work and I turned it down, it made me ineligible for unemployment. So for hte 6 months it took to find a job...we were financially screwed with all the wedding debts to pay. This was 3 years ago. I still fantasize about collecting as many mice and rats as I can find and releasing them in the packing house right after the squash harvest. I haven't done it of course. ;)
     
  21. Banzai
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    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    That sounds like fun actually, Carmina :p If you ever want to, I'll give you a hand with it.
     
  22. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Grudges are slippery, agile, and toothy. The longer you hold one, the more wounds you will bear.
     
  23. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    Grudges are wasted effort and wasted time. My husband is holding a grudge against his grandmother. She is 86 and has already had a stroke. He is wasting what time he has left to reconcile. He already let his dad die while holding a grudge. I hate to see him do it again.
     
  24. Solaris
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    Solaris Active Member

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    Which in turn makes me an 'idiot' for choosing to forgive and move on with my life, and everyone else that does the same.
    You think negatively about everyone and everything and expect the worst out of life, well that's what you're going to get. Focusing on hating people and being convinced that nobody keeps their word and you might as well just lock yourself away and never come out.
    If you hate being a bitter person so much than do something about it.
    Don't care about those people that don't care about you. Forget about them.
    I've been hurt by most of the friends I've had, some pretty badly. And if I always sat there and thought about how mistreated I was and how horrible people are and there's no reason to trust anyone... I'd be miserable.
    Yet I'm a perfectly happy, optimistic person because I choose to let it go.
    They're just people, they aren't a 'part of you' or shape your life unless you allow them to.
    You say a person doesn't deserve your forgiveness, well do you think they deserve your constant hatred either? They didn't care about what they did, and they've left you with this burden. If anything they deserve to have their carelessness returned, forget they even came into your life in the first place.
    Your lives are completely seperate, if they aren't in yours they shouldn't be allowed to affect it.

    If all you ever expect to happen are bad things you'll never be happy.
    If I put all my concentration on the way my life is right now I'd be completely depressed, but I choose to look forward to the future instead and so I'm content.

    Other people don't have the right to make you feel so terrible. Letting them is just giving in to it and may be what they wanted in the first place.
    You say that forgiveness just got you trampled on. But people don't just change because of how you feel about them, and people will still try to trample you even if you hate them. And you'll pass up the opportunity to make good friends. Which yes, they do exist. I've never hurt anyone or backed out of my word in my life.

    But from what you said, it seems like you have very deep-seeded hatred, so I'm sure the thought of forgetting is pretty much preposterous.

    But I know that I've been in that same place, and I'd never go back to it. :/

    Okay I'm writing way too much lol.
    And I'm pretty sure this isn't going to help much sooo I'm going to stop rambling now. :p
    It of course is only my opinion!
     
  25. wordwizard
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    wordwizard Contributing Member

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    I like to think I am above holding grudges.....but that would be a lie. I know it is unhealthy to hold a grudge but it is hard for my mind to get around it.
    sad but true.
     

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