1. Joy
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    Joy New Member

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    How can I make this a more coherent short story?

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by Joy, Feb 9, 2015.

    This is what the story's about:

    On a foggy October day, at the backend of a carnival, a 6-year old boy, wearing a backpack and a flapped hat, is playing with an orange ball that seems to hold a great deal of excitement to him. It rolls inside of a purple hazy tent with a palm reader sign on it. He enters to retrieve it -- finding himself amid exotic fabrics, wall hangings, lanterns and portents wafting through the air. As he is seeking the toy, his attention drifts towards a glowing crystal ball on a round corner table. He carefully grabs it from it's mantelpiece and gazes at it with enthusiasm and awe -- however... will he still be desiring the orange sphere, which he first had his mind set on? The green one’s luminosity makes a better impression, so he stores the crystal in his backpack.

    Then, emerges a fortune teller from behind the draperies, who lures the boy to take a seat beside the table. With in mind that the young boy took her crystal, the woman attempts to come across her point by immediately pulling out a ‘bad’ tarot card - which indicates that the child has indeed done an irrational act. With the boy displaying his irrelevance to this situation, she asks him if he had anything to do with the empty mantelpiece. When Riley denies, the fortune teller,infuriated, transforms into a gaunt, evil - looking woman and demands for her possession. Frightened, the boy removes the glass from his backpack, but ends up dropping it. His face turns towards the orange toy that is sitting nearby, in desire of going to retrieve it; however, the fortune teller grasps the ball and deflates it with a needle. This causes young Riley to send himself away, in despair.



    I've been told that the goal for my character is to get the ball back, in which it doesn't seem like he is focused on that goal for the duration of the story. It kind of meanders into conflicts that don't make sense. Or that it would make more sense if the fortune teller takes the ball from the very beginning, after it rolls in the tent. This way the main character sees that the fortune teller has his ball, and the story then becomes him trying to get it back. I'd have to make up the conflict of why the fortune teller is keeping the ball, and the obstacle that the kid overcomes in order to get it back.

    Because of these comments from above, I was thinking of having the story in a way that the kid is lured into the tent from the orange ball (maybe the ball is programmed to head inside of the tent?...As a way to get the children to come searching for it and not finding it immediately on purpose). I'm trying to aim for the Fortune Teller having this all set up on purpose so she can give children a lesson as to not take things that don't belong to them ( in a Grimm's Fairy Tales sort of way). But as of right now.... it seems like she set everything up just to get back at the boy, to have him weep.

    I really appreciate your time.
    Thank you.
     
  2. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    Have the glowing green ball consume the orange one, or at least that's what he thinks he sees.

    Otherwise I think it's perfectly fine for him to change interests, just show him getting the orange ball and dropping it when the green one looks more interesting.

    Or something along those lines, showing his interest changing rather than ignoring the orange ball's role midway through the story.
     
  3. Joy
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    Joy New Member

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    Good point.

    I was also agreeing on how there's nothing wrong, if he changes interest because of spotting a better looking ball. At first, I had him gazing at the green one, picking it up and then
    suddenly spotting his orange ball from across the room. After making comparisons, he places the green crystal in his backpack, to take it with him. However, it would make sense (as you mentioned),
    if he finds his orange ball and ditches it for the better looking one.
     

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