1. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    How do I deal with this issue (wedding drama)?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by LordKyleOfEarth, Jan 26, 2011.

    For those who have not heard, I am getting hitched on the 12th of March (Hooray!). Recently, however, some crappy drama has popped up. My fiancée's family is really large and from a slightly different culture than mine (she's hispanic, I'm Irish). Here is the deal:

    So Lynette (my fiancée) has one of her younger cousins standing in the wedding as a bride's maid. The cousin's grandmother-in-law (whom neither Lynette nor myself have ever met) wants to see her granddaughter-in-law as a bride's maid, and is upset that we didn't invite her.

    This lovely woman has (apparently) taken to calling her relations and complaining about it, which is creating a rift and lots of animosity among that side of the family. Yesterday Lynette's aunt called Lynette's mother and yelled at her about how mean it was for us to exclude the woman, and how we need to send her an invite (she will only accept a personal invitation, not an add on to an RSVP for another person, or so it was claimed).

    I am personally fine with telling them to go [omitted] themselves, but this would create a huge stack of drama which may include the mother removing the bride's maid from the ceremony.

    This is totally insane. I cannot believe that people would impose so much as to invite themselves to a wedding for people they have never met, and only so that they can see someone other then the BRIDE AND GROOM. When Lynette's mom pointed out that we can only have a limited number of people attend, the aunt's solution was for me to invite fewer people :O

    This is partially just because I needed to vent, but what can I do in this case? It seems that I have to invite them to keep the peace. I wonder if I can set them up a table by the bathroom...
     
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  2. Melzaar the Almighty
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    Melzaar the Almighty Contributing Member Contributor

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    Invite them but charge them money for the extra space/catering? :p

    Okay, that's rude, but they're being pretty rude to you.

    Tell them to get on Facebook and you'll take lots of pictures. ;)
     
  3. Elgaisma
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    Elgaisma Contributing Member Contributor

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    Probably not helpful advice but it is yours and Lynette's wedding - all you need is each other, person to offciate and in most places two witnesses. I'd make it clear to everyone else that they are optional, that they are being invited to enrich your day, if they can't be civil and work towards making it a great day for you and Lynette they will not be welcome at all.
     
  4. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    I want to call them and politely explain that they are not invited and why. Lynette is afraid it will create too much drama and will make problems for years to come.

    It's not really about money as much as fire-code limits on the number of people that can attend. Plus if we hit a certain number we have to hire extra security (city law) and if it is day-of the extra security charges extra.
     
  5. Melzaar the Almighty
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    Melzaar the Almighty Contributing Member Contributor

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    Just call it up and explain, and tell them your own dear someone or other couldn't come (even if they could) just to make it seem like you've taken some losses as well? If you've never met them before, the lies don't count. ;)
     
  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    why wouldn't you invite that bridesmaid's grandmother?... have you a good reason for not wanting her to attend?... would she come alone, or have a slew of others with her?

    seems to me there's no good reason not to just be nice and let her come...
     
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  7. art
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    art Contributing Member Contributor

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    How much does Lynette want a fancy wedding...?
    I hear there's a drive-thru service (for delightful young couples sick to death of squabbling in-laws) in Vegas. Seriously. It is your day.
     
  8. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    Because neither myself nor the bride have ever even met her. And she is a grandmother-in-law who doesn't want to attend to see the wedding, just the bride's maid.

    If she goes, I have to cut some of my friends/family off the list (the building can only hold so many). If I don't make cuts the extra guests (she has family too) will require extra security and extra catering and extra chair/table rentals...
     
  9. Pallas
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    Pallas Contributing Member Contributor

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    Perhaps setting up some live web feed/skype for that person and any others that cannot make it due to distance or room capacity.
     
  10. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    Firstly, congratulations Kyle. I had no idea and very happy for you.

    Secondly, I know what you mean. In my family there is 10 on my mums side, and 8 on my fathers side, I have NOTHING to do with any of them, and yet I know I'll have to invite each and every one of them, and their children, just to keep the peace, or they'll take it out on my poor mother!

    Honestly, this day is all about your darling fiancée and yourself. It is YOUR day, no one elses. I know she is concerned about explaining to this woman that she will not be invited and why, but why would you invite a perfect stranger to your wedding? If she said she wanted to see a member of the royal family having a baby, you think they'd let her? No!

    Your wedding day is meant to be one of the most magical moments of your lives together, it is meant to be shared with 'people you know and love and want to share it with' not with total strangers because they want to see their family member as a bridesmaid. It's not something that happens. I have been a bridesmaid for a few weddings, none of my family were invited so they could see me be a bridesmaid. They got to see photos, but not attend. It's just tough luck!

    All you can do is explain to the woman that the wedding is about you and your darling fiancée, and you cannot ommit people as they are close family and friends and have already RSVP'd. Offer her a live feed, or video footage of her granddaughter. If she can't be happy with that, then she just has to deal with it. Don't let this woman ruin your magical moment. You only get one chance at this (well... sort of), so make it the best day you can for you and Lynette. Not this grandmother.

    *hugs to you both* I hope you manage to get it sorted out. And again, MAJOR CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
     
  11. Tesgah
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    Tesgah Member

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    *Sigh* Family drama is by far the worst kind of drama. As much as I would like to ask you to tell her to shove it up her behind, I'm afraid that just won't be possible:rolleyes: So this is my take on it:

    You should sit down with your fiancée and have a serious talk. Agree that you both are going to be completely honest and say what you really feel. Now ask her how important it is to her to avoid the potential family drama. Her honest answer here is the key. If she realizes that she does not care too much about this grandmother, then it's fine, you just don't invite her. However, if it is evident that your fiancée really does care quite a lot, then I would advise you to tell your friends, maybe some of your not so close relatives, and ask them if one can sit it up. I know doing so would be such a pain in the ass, but it might just be the best way out. Family drama, even as trivial as this, can potentially become a sour spot in the family for decades, and this marriage is supposed to be about your love and your future. I know that it might not be the case this time, but a marriage is often most important for the woman, and it might be a smart idea to just suck it up and be the man this time. It will be annoying as hell, but your fiancée will probably thank you for it for the rest of your lives.

    Another idea might be to ask the bride's maid if she can speak to her grandmother, tell her how sorry she is but it is impossible for her to come, then promise many pictures. The grandmother should accept the words of her own granddaughter.

    I know that I am new here, that I don't know you at all, and that it really is non of my buisness. Still, I just felt like giving you some advice in the hopes that it might help. Good luck:)
     
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  12. Annûniel
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    Annûniel Contributing Member Contributor

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    First off and most importantly, Congratulations on your engagement! :)

    ...What? Seriously? The pettiness of some people astonishes me sometimes. I personally probably wouldn't object to telling them off and having my wedding with the people I wanted to invite. If they go around blabbing about how rude I am then that's their problem. I'm happy so who cares about them?

    *sigh*

    It looks like you have three general options on how to handle the situation:

    1) Call and explain to Lynette's aunt's mother why you can't uninvite people to invite her.

    2) Ignore the situation completely and have your wedding without the woman

    3) Uninvite some people and invite her instead.


    If it were me, I'd go with option 2. Honestly, this woman's opinion of me would mean very little to my well-being. And if it actually pulls my cousin from the wedding, I'd roll my eyes and find a replacement or do without (apologizing to the cousin, of course). I have to deal with this kind of petty **** all the time from my family so I feel your pain. Though really it's not about what I'd do, it's about what you and your fiancée want to do.
     
  13. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    Having been in this situation (sort of...I didn't have people calling my parents to yell at them, but I'm sure I'm still being bagged on behind my back) for my wedding, I would suggest to do just this-call and politely explain that you carefully selected who you invited because a. there was a limited number of people you could invite and b. it's your day, and you want people there who are important to you, have touched your life in some way, etc. If this doesn't work, I fully support you in telling all the meddling, complaining family members to go [insert expletive here] themselves. Or, if you'd like to take the Vegas suggestion given earlier, you could significantly cut down your guest list and just invite me. ;)

    In all seriousness, good luck, dude. It can get stressful navigating the family politics during wedding time, and I feel for you, putting up with this business. In the end, as has already been said, it's your day, not anyone else's. Anyone who is going to whine, complain, and cause a ruckus rather than respecting your wishes doesn't really deserve a second thought, in my opinion.
     
  14. Trilby
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    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

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    This looks like the best advice.
    You don't say if the bridesmaid in question is a child or young woman in either case I would bring the bridemaid's mother on board and ask her to explain the situation for you.
    If the bridesmaid and her mother are not happy about this, then choose another bridesmaid. I never heard of a wedding that did not cause some kind of petty upset - you can't please everyone.
    It is most unreasonable for them to expect you to leave out members of your family in order to invite her.
     
  15. evelon
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    evelon Active Member

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    Don't let it get you mad. Don't let it make you feel guilty. If she's not invited - she's not invited.
    There'll be photographs, promise her some of those.
     

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