1. Jason Borne
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    Jason Borne New Member

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    How to improve sentence and make it flow better?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Jason Borne, Oct 28, 2011.

    This is the sentence:

    The investors write extremely harsh contracts for the players in that they can be removed at any time if they are not performing well enough to the audience’s predilection. Basically even if the player is performing horribly, but is popular the coach is pressured to keep him on because of revenue.

    It is a very long sentence. How can i break it up to make it easier to read? Any suggestions are appreciated.

    Thank You
     
  2. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    Well, my rewrite is longer, but _I_ think it's easier to read:

    A player's job security is dependent not on performance in the game, but on the player's ability to please the sportsgoing audience. To maximize ticket revenue, coaches are pressured to retain players that perform badly but please the audience, while high-performing players that are unpopular with the audience may be removed. Player contracts, written under the direction of investors, do not offer any protection against this policy.
     
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  3. Jason Borne
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    Jason Borne New Member

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    Thank You for the improved sentence. It is much easier to read and understand.
     

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