1. drifter265
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    drifter265 Banned

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    How to make this sentence better?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by drifter265, Mar 9, 2013.

    This is the sentence in question. I wanted to see if there can be anything changed about it. Like, is this telling or showing? The story is in third-person. I think some changes can turn it into this:

     
  2. Audrey
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    Audrey New Member

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    Too many prepositional phrases. Makes the sentence too wordy.
    Maybe something like,
    Eh...I think that is still probably too many preposition phrases...
     
  3. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Too much in one sentence.
     
  4. live2write
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    live2write Contributing Member

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    Did you mention earlier in the store the barron lands and the charred dinosaur. Unless you are writing the travels from A to B to C then "The man was running towards the base of the cone-shaped mountain" is fine.

    Do not write the book like you are watching a movie where it may show the barren lands and charred dinosaur. This is a big problem I had and how I see people write this day in age.
     
  5. live2write
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    live2write Contributing Member

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    Did you mention earlier in the store the barron lands and the charred dinosaur. Unless you are writing the travels from A to B to C then "The man was running towards the base of the cone-shaped mountain" is fine.

    Do not write the book like you are watching a movie where it may show the barren lands and charred dinosaur. This is a big problem I had and how I see people write this day in age.
     
  6. JJ_Maxx
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    JJ_Maxx Banned

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    Okay, this sentence is too long, as Cogito said. You need to re-work it. First of all, what is the base of this sentence. I think its:

    See? This right here has a nice rythm and flow. So you add in all these details that muddle up an action scene. Now, if you were describing a scene, and there was no action, this wouldn't be so bad. But you wan't your action scenes to be quick short sentences so the action comes fast and hard like this:

    Something like that. Minimal description, maximum action. Now if I wrote a setting:

    Like that, get all descripty and such.

    Anyways, it either needs to be shortened, or split into two sentences, in my opinion. Hope this helps.

    Cheers.

    ~ J. J.
     
  7. drifter265
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    drifter265 Banned

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    Thank you, JJ_Maxx, yours was most helpful but everyone else's were good too.
     
  8. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    don't try to cram so much info into one poor sentence... jj's suggestion for simplification was a good one... to take it a bit further, here's one way you can get all that info to the reader without confusing them with such an incoherent single sentence:

    hope this helps... love and hugs, maia
     
  9. cswillson
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    cswillson Member

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    I agree. Why one sentence?
     

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