I've been inserting random comments from characters to help build the universe the story is set in. How does this one sound? (Future earth based story.) Chandraleksha’s last bit of excitement was when a boyfriend decided out of nowhere to break up with her so he could pursue his dream of becoming a merman. That ended up going badly for David. Gill technology was still in the development stages.
It feels a little bland (please don't shoot, just being honest). There is little actual evidence of it feeling futuristic, as the same could be said in modern times. Perhaps give us some clue as to what type of tech they are developing be it: mechanical or biological. Suppose it just needs to give something the reader to work with so they can get into the futuristic world a little better by dropping those little bombshells that will indicate the advancements in technologies, such as the one you are speaking of.
These are only meant to be little passing comments. Not in depth detailed pages of description. Here's another one. Most are characters' internal thoughts. Interesting music. Not sure if I like it. The drummer looks good with purple skin, not sure about the antlers though.
Chandraleska's last relationship had been satisfactory. Her boyfriend was okay, her life was as planned. Then her boyfriend decided to become a merman. At first, the changes weren't that bad. Sure, his new habit of swimming took hours out of each day and he only ate seafood, but things were still good. Then came the gene therapy. Every night he'd come home reeking of fish odor- that wasn't okay, things were bad. Chandraleska broke up with her boyfriend soon after and instead of feeling despair or spite, she felt the unfamiliar feeling of excitement. Excitement of things ahead. Now, two years later, she recalled that moment as being her last of true happiness. Oh.
Chandraleksha’s last bit of excitement was when a boyfriend decided out of nowhere to break up with her so he could get himself genetically transformed into a merman. He thought he could get other people to do the same and start a colony somewhere away from the congested world population. That ended up going badly for David. Gill technology was still in the development stages. The last time Chandraleksha saw him, he was floating in a tank and smelled like her father’s fishing boat.
My mind couldn't help but take it in a dark comedy direction; He thought he could get other people to do the same and start a colony somewhere away from the congested world population. That ended up going badly for David. He was torn apart by a pod of orcas that were teaching their young to hunt. It was broadcast live over the underwater cams he was using to promote the colony. It went on for hours. Edit: To keep it more like the original. Chandraleksha’s last bit of excitement was when a boyfriend decided out of nowhere to break up with her so he could pursue his dream of becoming a merman. That ended up going badly for David. Nobody expects to be eaten by a pod of wild orcas.
But on the whole yeah those kind of comments can work well at building a great sci-fi world. Doesn't seem to work that well with fantasy though. Fantasy seems to take itself too serious. Sometimes I think that fantasy writers think people who live in magical/medieval type settings lose their sense of humour... Not all the time but often. And of course I'm not suggesting that it has to be done humorously but the idea of a guy breaking up with his girlfriend because she's getting in his way of his dream of becoming a merman is very fun and somewhat whimsical. So yeah, love it.
Here's a new one if anyone wants to comment on how well it works. Jalil selected a line and dropped his bag at his side. It was going to be a long wait. As he stood there he surveyed the crowd. There was a woman in front of him wearing a tightly fitting outfit that accentuated her figure. He was admiring her ass when she let out a fake cough that caught his attention. When he looked up, he jumped back in surprise, seeing the extra eyes that were grafted onto the back of her head. She didn’t say anything, only blinked slowly at him for a moment before they closed. Somehow, hair dropped down over the eyes making them unseeable again. Fucking weirdo.
Yes the style works. If your story was set in today's context you would mention events just as casually. If becoming a merman or having eyes grafted to the back of your head are commonplace in this future earth then the narration should reflect this.
This is a very interesting idea that, in my opinion, works very well. However, you don't need to keep it too short. World building using this method opens up for funny remarks, that really couldn't have been said out loud. Rick Riordan uses this in several ways in, for example, his new series "The Trials of Apollo".
Thanks. I never know if some of the stranger things I write translate well. I'm poking fun at all the people today doing bizarre body modification by taking to an extreme.
First of all: lmao! When I read that my first though is of a lovely mix-raced woman wryly thinking of her day with her ex. Now, for me my brain works this way. I get bits and pieces of my world(s)/characters... That is when the characters are not fighting tooth and nail over something. So I use this as a jumping point and work my way backwards (what lead up to that moment) and forwards (what happened after).
I love it! As a reader, I'd much rather be spoon fed the details of a new world through the people's lives. That way it can grow slowly and become real to me. The last thing I want is to be taught about the new world as if reading a history book. Let me discover it through the action and allow that wonderment to continue through out the whole story.
I think the voice could use more originality, but I really like your style of relaying info in small pieces like that. Much more effective than a big boring infodump all in one place! Although, is it possible to give Chandraleksha a nickname, or something shorter and simpler?
Of course, it's possible. But why would I want to? I love the name. Once you get the pronunciation correct it flows off the tongue, making me think of belly dancers in a harem. (Although, in this case, she's a VP of a big multi-national company.)
