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  1. radu123
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    radu123 New Member

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    how would you cats structure this sentence?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by radu123, Feb 25, 2011.

    the protagonist is reciting a list of telling signs that a certain woman is attracted to him. the paragraph is as follows:

    Pressing forward through a babbling group of girls, none of them a day older than fifteen, I consider his words. For a while now I’ve been hearing the rumours - I’m not so out of touch with these things as I’d have people believe. Still, only a dolt could have missed the numerous and obvious signs. I’ve noticed the stolen glances in lectures and tutorials. The laughter that lasts too long at jokes that aren’t funny enough.

    the paragraph continues with more examples of this 'evidence'.

    how would you consturct the red sentence? do you think you could improve it, or would you leave it as it? (i presume the message it's trying to convey is clear)

    thanks peeps
     
  2. Melzaar the Almighty
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    Melzaar the Almighty Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's a fragment sentence, which is okay in the context, but generally if it's used like that in a dramatic list, needs more examples to BE a dramatic list - the "stolen glances" is the first item, then the bit in red... I think you could get away with it fine if you had a third example to round it up and prove there's a pattern to the fragments rather than one badly phrased sentence.
     
  3. Manav
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    Manav Contributing Member

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    Yes, the message is clear, but as Melzaar said, it is a fragment and pattern needs to be established.... at the moment, it's just a bad sentence fragment.

    You may join the fragment with the earlier sentence.

    Or, if you want to leave it as a fragment, try this:

     
  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i'd leave it as is otherwise, but drop 'the' and add a comma before 'at'...
     
  5. radu123
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    radu123 New Member

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    well like i said above, more examples follow, although i really should have just posted the paragraph in full. i suppose people on a creative writing forum aren't afraid of a bit more reading

    Pressing forward through a babbling group of girls, none of them a day older than fifteen, I consider his words. For a while now I’ve heard the rumours - I’m not so out of touch with these things as I’d have people believe. Still, only a dolt could have missed the numerous and obvious signs. I’ve noticed the stolen glances in lectures and tutorials. The laughter that lasts too long at jokes that aren’t funny enough. Constant questions about my weekend plans. Nervous biting of the lip. Fluttering eyelashes. Dilated pupils. And so on.
    It’s all there.
    New sentence bla bla bla


    i do quite like your suggestion mammamaia

    cheers laddybucks
     
  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    the rest reads pretty well to me, radu...
     

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