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  1. lonelygirl1984
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    lonelygirl1984 New Member

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    How Would You Improve This

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by lonelygirl1984, Jun 22, 2013.

    First to give you some background this short story is about a guy who is writer/cop who is feeling guilty because he feels like his partner was killed because of him, and so since it happened her ghost haunts him each night. This is all I've managed to come up with at the moment.


    He sat in his office amongst the shadows. The loud roar of thundered echoed throughout the loft as rain pelted softly against the window. The only light source was the light emanating from his laptop that sat open untouched on his desk. He hasn’t written anything since it happened. Grabbing the half empty bottle that sits next to his laptop and pours himself another glass, downing it in one gulp; the amber liquid burned his throat as it traveled down his throat, but he relished the pain. He stares absent mindly out the window when he suddenly feels her presence, he doesn’t look though he knows she’s there. He pours himself another drink this time looking over at her dark silhouette as he takes another drink. She stood hidden in the shadows leaning on the doorjamb, arms crossed over chest. The flash of lightening illuminates her for a split second.
     
  2. blackstar21595
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    blackstar21595 Contributing Member

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    You can't post anything for critique until you met the site's requirements. They can be read here. http://www.writingforums.org/showthread.php?t=47991&p=847456#post847456
     
  3. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    Interesting, needs a bit of polishing, and probably belongs in the review sub-forum.

    Writing present tense is popular these days but difficult. You might reconsider tense. I like the lightning revealing a ghost. Cop who feels guilty about dead partner is a bit cliché, but if you make the story your own, change it up in an interesting way like you're doing with the ghost, it can still be successfully done.
     
  4. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    Thank you blackstar21595, you're a pal. I'm closing this thread.
     
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