1. ccppg
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    ccppg New Member

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    i am a freshman in writing,correct me ,please.

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by ccppg, Mar 22, 2008.

    The fact that a puma has been haunting around the quiet countryside approximate forty-five miles south of London is now confirmed.The evidences are followed as:
    First and formost,many people claimed they saw the puma and all give the extraordinarily similar descriptions.These people include a woman picking blackberries, several local residents and a businessman on a fishing trip.
    Second,the dead deer and small animals like rabbits show that it is a predator, and the paw prints and the puma fur illuminate that the predator is a puma.
    Well then, since the mysterious animal is a puma ,where on earth had it come from? We all know that pumas are animals which are just found in America, and it can not be the zoo as no pumas has been reported missing from any zoo in the country.So this one must escape from a private collector.
     
  2. zconstantine
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    zconstantine New Member

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    The fact that a puma has been haunting around (remove - unnecessary preposition) the quiet countryside approximately forty-five miles south of London is now (replace with "was" to coordinate with "has been haunting" tense) confirmed. The evidences (remove) are followed as (remove - unnecessary):

    First and formost, (remove - this phrase is being used out of context and this phrase is considered overused in the English language) Many people claimed they saw the (replace with "a" - the existence of the animal was not confirmed; a definite article is not appropriate) puma and all (remove) give the (remove) extraordinarily similar descriptions. These people (replace with "The witnesses") include a woman picking blackberries, several local residents, (optional comma) and a businessman on a fishing trip.

    Second,the (consider replacing with "A" - you did not introduce the deer in question) dead deer and the bodies of small animals like rabbits (may be removed) show that it is(consider removal) a predator loose in the area: paw prints and puma fur illuminate (poor word choice - consider "strongly suggest" instead) that the predator is a puma.

    Well then, since the mysterious animal is a puma ,where on earth had it come from? (conversational tone - would not be appropriate for most news publications or a scholarly article) We all know that (may be removed) Pumas are animals which are just (may be removed) found in America, and it can not be the zoo as (may be removed) no pumas has (replace with "have" - "has" is the singular conjugation of "to have") been reported missing from any zoo in the country.So (replace with ":") this one must escape (replace with "have escaped") from a private collector.
     
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  3. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    good edit, z!

    ccp... you need to study how news items are written in the better papers, if you want to write same... rewrite the piece with z's changes/deletions and compare it to what you started with, to see the huge difference... hugs, maia
     
  4. ccppg
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    ccppg New Member

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    thank you zconstantine and maia.
    your advices are very important to me.
     

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