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  1. ILaughAtTrailers
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    ILaughAtTrailers Member

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    I don't know what else to do but post this:

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ILaughAtTrailers, Mar 25, 2016.

    We only have one life. I am the son of two idiots. I am ugly and people don’t like me. I envision a life that so many people have. As my time passes, though, it gets farther and farther away. I don’t know why I’m here. Girls aren’t interested in me. It sucks when I’m so interested in them. I’m not good at anything. I’m not happy to see people and when I am I feel stupid, smiling with my crooked face. People think I’m an *******, which I’ve never understood because I try so hard to be liked and to be different. My mind is wired different in some way. I am so consciously aware of how much I hate myself and how others feel around me, I shut myself down and just wait until I can be alone again. I am twenty-four-years old and while I know a lot of people share this in common with me, I’m a virgin and have never had a girlfriend. I am white, I think I am good-looking on most days, and am of a slender build. I have been seeing mental health professionals since I was sixteen, diagnosed with major depression, on-and-off antidepressants, and recently was told I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (mostly the latter) and started on lamictal. Suicidal thoughts and wanting to die are a given and prevalent in my life on most days. For weeks at certain times, I was absolutely convinced I had Asperger’s syndrome or was mentally retarded and that just no one was telling me. My life is ridden with failure. I dropped out of high school but made up for it with a GED. I graduated from a community college with a transfer associate’s degree and am for the second time attending university with a grade point average of less than two. I have worked four minimum-wage fast food jobs and quit all of them for all sorts of reasons, like not liking the area or the people or was just wanting to do something different. I like Taylor Swift. I hate that I do and her type of music but I do. I am a sheep. Join a club. Be more active. Maybe I should follow this advice more. I like writing, like fiction, but I really only have this one idea that I’m obsessed with because I really like the characters that I’ve created because they’re people I feel I could really get along with even though they’re complete *******s, like me. I hate most people. I hate them because they don’t hate themselves as much as I hate myself and that there’s so much they should hate about themselves that they don’t. I don’t care if they secretly do because they don’t show it. Happiness always pisses me off because it’s always temporary. Sometimes I feel the universe created me just so that it can perceive itself because without me the world would just be a black void. I don’t have a purpose in life unless that purpose is to experience this hopelessness. There’s this girl, or hot math girl. I love her name. I love her body. If only she knew how I felt about her. I don’t know how I could be part of her life. I’m signing off.
     
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  2. Kingtype
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    Kingtype Always writing or thinking things XD Staff Role Play Moderator Contributor

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    @ILaughAtTrailers

    Dude.

    It will be okay.

    Now I know that's one of the worst things you can say to someone with depression but I grew up around a lot of people that have major depression problems and I know from seeing it that it is far far from easy. But look you're not alone in your life and such.

    I've never had any major mental health issues myself or anything.....well nothing diagnosed yet but I got my GED just like you and like you....and I'll admit it I'm a total virgin to :oops:. Its nothing to be ashamed about buddy. If you're really into that gal then go and get her. I know it ain't that easy and much easier said then done but honestly what's the worst that could happen? There are lots of ladies out there and there is probably more then a few interested in sexy young virgins like us, huh? ;) Cause we are just slick like that.

    Also don't let happiness piss ya off.

    I mean I get you struggle with depression (I can't imagine how much that must suck) and its not just that easy to feel happy but if you honestly think the universe just created you for some nefarious crappy reason then why not defy it by being as happy as you can be?

    Ya know? Fight against it.

    You're certainly much stronger then you think you are. :)

    But you've got to believe you are but until you do and in just in general I think I'd like to be your friend as you seem like you could use one. How does that sound? I'll get a big smile of you down the line! :D I hope you don't dislike people to much be my friend! I'm going to do my best to bring you bright days from here on out! You're welcomed to come with me and play in the RP section or we could just talk and chat about ANYTHING!

    So don't sign off!

    You can't!

    You can't leave your new pal hanging :D

    You are here for a reason whether by destiny or what you make of it and you've got to remember that. But until you can remember it on your own and enjoy being around, I wanna be there to tell you that when you feel like this. :) Now I know this was probably awkward as we don't know each other.

    But now we sorta do and now we can talk even more!

    So what's our adventure!?
     
  3. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    I'm glad you feel safe enough to post this on the forum. I think there are lots of people here who can empathise with your feelings and what you're going through. Many have been there themselves. It's shit.

    You mentioned starting on lamictal. Has it had time to kick in yet?
     
  4. ILaughAtTrailers
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    ILaughAtTrailers Member

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    I have to live as this faggot, idiot, loser for the rest of my life. The lamictal is doing something but I think just making me more content with being depressed. You can't change how you feel about yourself and knowing exactly the kind of loser you are.
     
  5. Sundowner
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    Sundowner Member

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    Wow dude, it just sounds like you care a little too much about what other people think of you.
    Like, hell, I'm an unemployed man who's never had any friends or has ever even been outside. All I do is slouch around and stuff my face and feed off my parents like a parasite. And I'm kinda proud of it.
    Don't you have any idols? Duke Nukem? Hulk Hogan? Steven Armstrong? Someone you can look up to and, any time you feel like you're acting like a bitch, just say "What would they think of me? They wouldn't let me sit here and whine. They'd tell me to get off my ass and be a man!"
    Have a little pride, dude, it goes a long way.
     
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  6. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    There's a mental health support thread. A lot of people with anxiety and depression and stuff here. I'm sure they'll have advice for you. I'd start, personally though I'm not experienced with this, with trying not to beat yourself up even if you feel bad. have you tried distracting yourself with good stuff? I find we tend to overthink bad moods when really all we often need is to just do something else and think about that. I'm not sure how much that applies if at all since you seem to have an actual condition though :meh::meh:.
    Wish you well I guess.
     
  7. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    I think he has issues. It's probably not that simple.
     
  8. Sundowner
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    Sundowner Member

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    I dunno, I have issues too and I cope just fine.
    I suppose if I'm in a really bad mood then I surround myself with comforting stimulus. Don't you have any OP? Something you can look at/listen to/think about/read about that just makes you all fuzzy inside? Just to get you through that rough patch until you're feeling better?
     
  9. Rethagos
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    Rethagos Member

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    Thanks for the openness, boy, but I think you need some tough love.

    You are going to remain this faggot, idiot, and loser for the rest of your life UNTIL you do something about it.
    You said you're not good at anything. Well, guess what? Skill doesn't magically fall into our laps. We work at it. Some of us polish their skills day in and day out. Nobody said it's going to be easy, but boy is it worth the effort.

    Why do you view yourself as ugly? More often that not, it is something you can work on. Mind what you eat. Hit the gym. Start jogging. Work out at home. Do it all with a smile on your face. Put on some muscle. Sweat hard. Throw away the garbage food. You have a purpose of not being ugly anymore.

    One thing you can do immediately is a solid recap. What are your goals? What skills do you want to acquire? What is holding you back?
    Write it all down. Print it. Hang it above your bed. It will remind you.

    You might not have force of will, but you have aspirations. Nobody is going to take these away from you.
    And this one you berate all the time... his purpose is to bring you to your goals. Treat him well, and he will help you.

    Remember, boy: small steps, but you gotta move. This way, you'll be less of a loser every day. It's an accomplishment in itself.
    And trust me, physical fitness is more important than you think.
     
  10. Witchymama
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    Witchymama Active Member

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    Ok. Here's my way of supporting you, and it's coming from a truly sincere place. You can take it or leave it. I have learned this the hard way.

    Thoughts become things.

    Make a conscious effort every single day, at least once a day, to interrupt even just one of those negative thoughts that you hurl at yourself. Interrupt it, change it to something positive, and then speak that new, positive thought out loud.
    Even if you have to really stretch yourself and your imagination to do it.

    I've been where you are. I know it sucks. The above technique has helped. Is my life perfect now because of it? Hell no. But it's getting better everyday.

    In the words of Seether.... Fake it.(if you have to)
     
  11. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    If medication isn't doing enough maybe you should try therapy as well.
     
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  12. Witchymama
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    Witchymama Active Member

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    I learned the thing above in group therapy
     
  13. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    I think what this thread needs is a balance of toughness and nurturing. I think it's like parenting. You benefit from having a tougher and softer parent both.
     
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  14. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    Absolutely. Don't rely on drugs. I tried Concerta for my ADHD and it only did a little. A lot of it is your own attitude and tactics.
     
  15. Witchymama
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    Witchymama Active Member

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    Sometimes, and for certain conditions drugs are needed. If there is a chemical imbalance for example. But there is no magic pill that is going to fix this level of self loathing on it's own. As @Rethagos pointed out, it requires work. Any thing that is worth having does.
     
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  16. ILaughAtTrailers
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    ILaughAtTrailers Member

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    Hello, guys. Thanks for the support. However, I still hate myself. There's too many memories of failure, rejection, and stupid things I've done. They didn't seem stupid at the time, which was why I did them, and usually involved girls, but the result was the opposite of what I expected. My self-esteem, thus, dropped.

    There's a new girl, obviously, and I am realizing now that I am set in order to do the same mistakes I've done in the past, and so I now know I shouldn't do them, but it sucks because they're the only things I can do if I want this girl in my life but because I know what'll most likely happen from my experiences with it in the past, I know I shouldn't do them. I have to just give up. I want to die. I want her, I can't have, I hate myself.

    I don't know what else to say. I'm writing my script, my series, and I don't know if I'll ever finish it or if I'll ever get anywhere with it, even though I hope it eventually will and that I become someone, but I have to be realistic and realize that it probably will never happen and is just a pipe-dream. It's just an escape, something I do to cope with my depression, getting my thoughts out.

    I'm going to university again, after taking a two year break, and am working on my degree. I may never get a girlfriend or get laid and I just have to accept that and that girls may never like me. Yeah, whatever. I guess being in school is the one good thing I can reflect on in my life that I'm doing right. On the bright side, I did just get a single-room instead of living with two other roommates in the same room, so I guess I'll be getting to know myself really well.

    Thanks, guys. Peace.
     
  17. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    I'm going to repeat my recommendation of using the mental health support thread and/or therapy.
     
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  18. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    Oscar, he says he's bipolar. Unless I'm deeply deeply confused about that condition, drugs ARE going to be a part of the solution.
     
  19. Sundowner
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    Sundowner Member

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    I don't know how difficult it is to do for the average joe, but I just deal with bipolarity through self-awareness. If I get angry at a loved one, I stop and say "should I really be angry at this, or is it just a mood swing?" or if I feel suicidal I stop and say "My life's pretty decent, that must just be a mood swing talking" and then I calm myself down with some comforting stimulus. Actually, I owe a lot to my bipolarity, as I take advantage of my depressive episodes to slip into a fantasy land, and then use my manic episodes to recreate what I experienced into something others can enjoy. So you really can make lemonade out of lemons.
     
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  20. ILaughAtTrailers
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    ILaughAtTrailers Member

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    You're either extremely manic right now, then, and, thus, delusional, or you have absolutely no idea what bipolar disorder is.
     
  21. Sundowner
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    Sundowner Member

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    Well I was diagnosed. I guess it just is harder for people to handle it. It was either hone it with self-therapy or it use drugs, and I saw what those did to my father.
    (and yes I am manic right now)
     
  22. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    I said don't rely on. I didn't say don't use.
     
  23. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    "I am the son of two idiots. " Fantastic.
     
  24. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    :confused::confused::confused:
     
  25. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's a good opening line for a novel.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2016
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