1. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    I hope this is the right place for this...

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Alesia, Aug 28, 2013.

    I'm not really looking for critique on the plot, more I need to know if my grammar is correct in this paragraph. (Something about the flow at the end doesn't really fell right to me either.)

     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    It's still a critique request.
     
  3. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    No, it's not, Cog.

    But, @Alesia, perhaps you could highlight the specific portion within this paragraph that is vexing you? There's quite a bit of verbiage here. No way for us to know just what part isn't flowing, and no, at the end isn't quite enough for us to go off of.
     
  4. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    Flow seems wrong?
    Should be a comma or a semi?

    Em dashes or parenthesis?
     
  5. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Ok, one of the things I feel is wrong with the flow in this sentence is where you are breaking it. My personal choice would be this:

    Therefore, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that, like most people out there, I am completely incapable of learning from my past stupidity.

    Splitting the pronoun and the verb was making it stilted for me. Neither em dash nor parentheses are needed. Simple commas will do just fine here. And I couldn't find an orange bit corresponding to where you are questioning a comma or a semi...
     
  6. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    After "...you brought it on yourself." I just noticed it was so dang small you can't see it >< I'm thinking I could do without the word "recently" too.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2013
  7. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    I actually like it just fine the way it is with the full stop (period). I know the second sentence is technically a fragment, but that's ok in fiction. This is a purposeful fragment that flows well from the preceding full sentence. It makes good sense, and given the 1st person narrative, sounds very natural.
     
  8. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    Thanks for the imput. I need to stop worrying so much. I've written so much non-fiction that fiction's sometimes lawless abode gets me sometimes. Nothing I write ever seems proper LOL.
     
  9. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    It struck me, reading this, that your 'voice' is very direct, as if you are actually talking to somebody as you tell this. (Trust me. I know firsthand.) Maybe you could heighten this effect, by playing around with it, making it seem even more conversational. Something like this:

    The thing about a massive hangover is, you bring it on yourself. Usually as a result of doing something stupid the night before. Trust me. I know firsthand. I mean, if I were to write a novel about every time I wake up sick as a dog because I was busy acting stupid in some bar all night, instead of doing something productive, the volumes would fill the Grand Canyon ten times over. Therefore, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I—like most people out there—am Am I completely incapable of learning from my past stupidity, like so many others? I must be. Otherwise, I would not be lying in bed like a vegetable right now, feeling like I’m going to die.

    I can't seem to get the font colours to change since the new formatting so I had to use italics, but I hope you can spot my changes without too much bother.

    Anyway, just a suggestion.
     
  10. obsidian_cicatrix
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    obsidian_cicatrix I ink, therefore I am. Contributor

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    Personally, I like this much better. The use of 'brought' in the original felt awkward to me, given that it followed 'is'. Now, I'm not particularly good with grammar, but this jumped out as needing tweaking. I was already questioning the grammar before I started the second sentence and, as a consequence, it jarred my attention, and overshadowed the rest of the text.

    Me too. And then some. ;)
     
  11. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    Why does it feel like there's something missing before "Am"? Like there should be something else thrown in there, but I have no idea what. Or should "AM" start a new paragraph and that's why it seems off?
     
  12. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    This is what I came up with in a rewrite, using Jannert's advice.
     
  13. minstrel
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    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I don't see a problem with starting the question with "Am." Adding "So" doesn't really help it. If it really bugs you, you could rephrase it so it's not a question: "Maybe I'm completely incapable of learning from my past stupidity." Something along those lines. But I think starting with "Am I" is perfectly okay.
     

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