1. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1,031
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Morristown, TN

    I hope this is the right place for this...

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Alesia, Aug 28, 2013.

    I'm not really looking for critique on the plot, more I need to know if my grammar is correct in this paragraph. (Something about the flow at the end doesn't really fell right to me either.)

     
  2. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    36,161
    Likes Received:
    2,827
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    It's still a critique request.
     
  3. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    23,826
    Likes Received:
    20,815
    Location:
    El Tembloroso Caribe
    No, it's not, Cog.

    But, @Alesia, perhaps you could highlight the specific portion within this paragraph that is vexing you? There's quite a bit of verbiage here. No way for us to know just what part isn't flowing, and no, at the end isn't quite enough for us to go off of.
     
  4. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1,031
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Morristown, TN
    Flow seems wrong?
    Should be a comma or a semi?

    Em dashes or parenthesis?
     
  5. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    23,826
    Likes Received:
    20,815
    Location:
    El Tembloroso Caribe
    Ok, one of the things I feel is wrong with the flow in this sentence is where you are breaking it. My personal choice would be this:

    Therefore, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that, like most people out there, I am completely incapable of learning from my past stupidity.

    Splitting the pronoun and the verb was making it stilted for me. Neither em dash nor parentheses are needed. Simple commas will do just fine here. And I couldn't find an orange bit corresponding to where you are questioning a comma or a semi...
     
  6. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1,031
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Morristown, TN
    After "...you brought it on yourself." I just noticed it was so dang small you can't see it >< I'm thinking I could do without the word "recently" too.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2013
  7. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    23,826
    Likes Received:
    20,815
    Location:
    El Tembloroso Caribe
    I actually like it just fine the way it is with the full stop (period). I know the second sentence is technically a fragment, but that's ok in fiction. This is a purposeful fragment that flows well from the preceding full sentence. It makes good sense, and given the 1st person narrative, sounds very natural.
     
  8. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1,031
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Morristown, TN
    Thanks for the imput. I need to stop worrying so much. I've written so much non-fiction that fiction's sometimes lawless abode gets me sometimes. Nothing I write ever seems proper LOL.
     
  9. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    17,674
    Likes Received:
    19,889
    Location:
    Scotland
    It struck me, reading this, that your 'voice' is very direct, as if you are actually talking to somebody as you tell this. (Trust me. I know firsthand.) Maybe you could heighten this effect, by playing around with it, making it seem even more conversational. Something like this:

    The thing about a massive hangover is, you bring it on yourself. Usually as a result of doing something stupid the night before. Trust me. I know firsthand. I mean, if I were to write a novel about every time I wake up sick as a dog because I was busy acting stupid in some bar all night, instead of doing something productive, the volumes would fill the Grand Canyon ten times over. Therefore, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I—like most people out there—am Am I completely incapable of learning from my past stupidity, like so many others? I must be. Otherwise, I would not be lying in bed like a vegetable right now, feeling like I’m going to die.

    I can't seem to get the font colours to change since the new formatting so I had to use italics, but I hope you can spot my changes without too much bother.

    Anyway, just a suggestion.
     
  10. obsidian_cicatrix

    obsidian_cicatrix I ink, therefore I am. Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,795
    Likes Received:
    1,615
    Location:
    Belfast, Northern Ireland
    Personally, I like this much better. The use of 'brought' in the original felt awkward to me, given that it followed 'is'. Now, I'm not particularly good with grammar, but this jumped out as needing tweaking. I was already questioning the grammar before I started the second sentence and, as a consequence, it jarred my attention, and overshadowed the rest of the text.

    Me too. And then some. ;)
     
  11. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1,031
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Morristown, TN
    Why does it feel like there's something missing before "Am"? Like there should be something else thrown in there, but I have no idea what. Or should "AM" start a new paragraph and that's why it seems off?
     
  12. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1,031
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Morristown, TN
    This is what I came up with in a rewrite, using Jannert's advice.
     
  13. minstrel

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2010
    Messages:
    10,742
    Likes Received:
    9,991
    Location:
    Near Sedro Woolley, Washington
    I don't see a problem with starting the question with "Am." Adding "So" doesn't really help it. If it really bugs you, you could rephrase it so it's not a question: "Maybe I'm completely incapable of learning from my past stupidity." Something along those lines. But I think starting with "Am I" is perfectly okay.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice