1. mandypete
    Offline

    mandypete New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2010
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0

    I need some help coming up with the next line, help?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by mandypete, Jun 4, 2010.

    Everything I can think of sounds terrible corny, I want to round off the end of this portion of a song I'm writing:

    I confess to you I pray that I'm enough and you confess that you do the same
    more than anything I want to be you everything

    -After that I've got nothing, it doesn't really have to rhyme but I'd like it to, any suggestions?
     
  2. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    a tad too wordy for a song lyric... doesn't 'flow' well enough to suggest music, imo... and doesn't make much sense, either... i can't tell what it is you're trying to say...

    i'm a lyricist, among other things, so if you want some help with this, you can email me any time at all...

    love and hugs, maia
    maia3maia@hotmail.com
     
  3. madhoca
    Offline

    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2008
    Messages:
    2,527
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    the shadow of the velvet fortress
    When you say you want something to rhyme it's a bit difficult for us because we don't know where the beats and pauses are in the music.

    you could simplify and break these lines in a variety of ways, which would give you different words to hang the rhyme on:

    e.g.

    I confess I want to be enough
    I pray
    That I'm enough
    And you, you say
    You'd do this to be enough
    Be together each day
    That will be enough...

    Hope this helps...
     
  4. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    sprinkling it with rhyming words isn't enough to make it a good lyric, sorry to say... meter and line structure is equally important...

    and though you say it doesn't have to rhyme, mandy, it really does, to work well as a song...
     
  5. Sophie-Jane94
    Offline

    Sophie-Jane94 New Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2010
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wirral - UK
    Yeahh it is a bit wordy and confusing. If you try and rearrange your words and ideas so they make more sense and flow better, the next line will probably come to you :)
     
  6. madhoca
    Offline

    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2008
    Messages:
    2,527
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    the shadow of the velvet fortress
    Well, the music that came into my head (kind of like Westlife, an Irish group) went well with this meter and structure, and I was not sprinkling random words to make it rhyme, as a matter of fact. I also think that some styles of song need a lot of repetition, but this can look boring when you see the lyrics written out.

    My sister is a retired opera singer and now a music teacher, so I do know just a little about song lyrics and music. I've often helped her adapt music for school performances, musicals and so on.

    But this just proves my point, that as we do not know the beats in the music, and style of song you have in mind, it is hard for us to give feedback on this.
     

Share This Page