As you figured out, it's letting the reader work things out for themselves. There's lots of stuff about showing and telling hereabouts and elsewhere on the web. Basically, there's a place for giving raw information, but generally it's better to let the reader see what's going on and let them figure things out. That's the way things are in the real world, after all, and it keeps the reader more involved.
I would add the two commas that I've inserted in red. The first one because "please" is an extra word, a politeness phrase - he is not asking for a usual please (whatever that might be). The second because that is the proper way to end a quote. Otherwise the extra number of lines you added looked alright to me