Note: This is not for a story. This is just an exercise is writing a plain sentence and revising it to be more rhythmical. I wrote a sentence somewhat more poorly expressed than this, and then revised it to this, but I am not satisfied. It maybe clear, as I hope, but it does not flow to me. It does not have the fluid rhythm that I would like it to have. I am not sure how to rephrase it in order to give in a more fluid rhythm. It feels choppy to me and not at all eloquent, but I would like it to be eloquent. If you revise it, I would like you to attempt to preserve the parallel structure, and change only the rhythm of each clause.