1. asem
    Offline

    asem New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2009
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0

    i want to learn

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by asem, Mar 19, 2009.

    im an english student in palestinian uni.
    and my teacher asked us to do writing h.work in any topic ...

    So i`ve written a Paragraph and i want from the native speakers to annotate it ... ya ??

    this is the para.

    1. In the last war , and contrary to all people ... I found a number of advantages and positive sides that I have not found in the days of my normal live , for example .. I did not meet my brothers for 23 days with continuous as I continued in the war days .. my married sisters were prevented from their husbands to sleep in our family home, but they slept in the war for 23 days because the seriousness of their sites. I hope we do again these days but in fun events .
     
  2. Neha
    Offline

    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2007
    Messages:
    4,060
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    India
    In(During) the last war, and contrary to all people others, I found a number of advantages and positive sides that I have not found in the days of my normal(did you mean daily?) life . For example,

    I'm sorry I couldn't actually understand the text after this. Hope this much works though.
     
  3. asem
    Offline

    asem New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2009
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    thank you alot sister neha ..

    what is the problem in the second one ??
     
  4. Neha
    Offline

    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2007
    Messages:
    4,060
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    India
    actually, the picture is not very clear. You know, you do one thing, if you could write this in Arabic(um, hope I'm not wrong about it being your native language), and send it to me, I think I might be able to help you.
     
  5. Neha
    Offline

    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2007
    Messages:
    4,060
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    India
    ok, can you wait one day?? I'll get this translated to Hindi and pm the English Translation to you tommorrow.
     
  6. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Sorry, but there is a rule that forum posts be written in English (with limited exceptions). It's ok to write in whatever language you like in private messages, but not in the public areas of the forum, for moderation reasons. Post deleted.
     
  7. Addicted2aa
    Offline

    Addicted2aa Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2009
    Messages:
    125
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    The Shire
    It's hard to just fix the grammar, because the way it's written sounds odd. I'm going to try rewriting it keeping as close to the original as I can. Then I'll explain why I changed things. Not sure if I understand it completely though. Hope this helps.

    I found positive sides of the last war, contrary to other peoples findings, that I still haven't found during the days of my normal life. For example, in the war days I spent 23 days continuously without my brothers. My married sisters' husbands were preventing from sleeping in our family home, but in the war they were allowed in the house for 23 days because of the seriousness of their sites. I hope they can again in more happy times.

    So broke up your first sentence to make it more clear. I also changed the structure. I wrote it that you found positive sides of the last war(instead of in the last war), because the word side should relate to something. There are sides of a box, or a war, or an argument. Sides don't exist by themselves. I deleted advantages because it was redundant. If I had deleted positive sides instead, I would have written it "In the last war, I found a number of advantages." I think that way actually sounds better I just wanted to point out the awkwardness of not relating the word sides to anything directly.

    I rewrote contrary to all people as contrary to everyone's findings for two reasons. We rarely use the phrase all people. I don't think it's any less correct but it sounds awkward. I added findings because things can't be contrary to people. Something needs to contrary to an abstract, like a thought or a finding.

    This is minor and perhaps not necessary but I added the word still, because otherwise it seems like you are changing tenses in that sentence. At first you are talking about things in the past and then things in the present. It's technically correct your way, but it can be confusing. The still makes you realize you're in present now, reflecting on the past.
    There needs to be a period after life(make sure you know the difference between live and life). This second sentence was very hard for me to understand. For one thing you usually don't meet people on subsequent days. So if you spent 23 days straight with your brothers you wouldn't say you met them for 23 days. If you didn't see them for 23 days in a row, you still wouldn't use the word meet.

    with continuous as I continued in the war days I couldn't tell what this phrase meant. Things can't be with continuous. Actions can be continuous or they can have continuity, but that last one is a bit more tricky. I think you meant that for 23 days you didn't see your brothers and that those 23 days followed one after another, in which case you wouldn't need to mention that it was continuous because it is implied. I kept it in the rewrite, but the sentence I wrote doesn't read that well. It sounds funky.
    I think also it doesn't sound that good to say that you did not spend time with your brothers for 23 days. It's better to say you spent 23 days without your brother. I don't know why, it just sounds better, more natural.

    Your married sisters could be prevented from inviting their husbands over to the family house to sleep, but they can't be prevented from their husbands. The order of words has to go somebody is prevented from doing something to someone. Noun verb noun.

    When you say they slept for 23 days in the war, that doesn't really tell the reader anything. I assume you meant they slept in their wife's house, but since you didn't add that it sounds like that during the war they slept for 23 days without waking.

    I don't if I explained that all that well, I hope it helps and good luck.
     
  8. Neha
    Offline

    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2007
    Messages:
    4,060
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    India
    Actually he meant that his married sisters prevented their husbands from coming over to the family house, but because during the war their own houses were threatened, the in-laws were allowed to the family house.
     
  9. Addicted2aa
    Offline

    Addicted2aa Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2009
    Messages:
    125
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    The Shire
    ahh, I got confused because it said the wife's were prevented, when really they were doing the preventing.
     
  10. asem
    Offline

    asem New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2009
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    really i do not know how i can thank tou brother Addicted2aa for your efforts ...
    and all of our forum members ...
     

Share This Page