1. LindzBinz
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    LindzBinz New Member

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    I'm not sure if I'm wasting my time here...

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by LindzBinz, Apr 22, 2016.

    So, I have an idea. When I was a little girl, there was this foster mom, an elderly woman who baby sat me and also took care of a foster child. She would tell me that she hates chocolate cake, and I didn't know why. I brought up the idea of this elderly woman adopting her, and then, she died. I never saw the little girl again after the funeral, when I had chocolate cake on my plate, and she told me that she had been beaten by her mom for dropping a piece on the floor, and she made her lick it off the floor. We begin to cry, we attempt to comfort one another, and then I never see her again after the funeral.

    Now, fifteen years later, it is about my own experience actually becoming emancipated through my school due to abuse from my mother once I turned eighteen, and deciding to go on a road trip to find the foster child I had become friends with. I want to bond with her, ask her how things went for her, because I have to choose between staying at home to make sure my mom doesn't beat my siblings, or reporting them and having them placed in foster care.

    The story will be immersed; people will not know the reason why chocolate cake is significant until the very end.

    I don't know how if this is a good pitch or not (It isn't even a pitch yet) and I really just want to know, is it a good idea? And also, what tips do you have?


    Thank you so much in advance for your help.
    Take care.
     
    Oscar Leigh likes this.
  2. doggiedude
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    doggiedude Contributing Member

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    If you're interested in creative writing then no, you're not wasting your time. We all learn a lot from one another on here. You should probably post something on the new members section of the forum introducing yourself to everyone.
     
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  3. Justin Phillips
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    Justin Phillips Active Member

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    I love road trip stories, and I think it has a great premise. Your writing is pleasant, and has a very "memoir" feel, right? I think after you get it finished, you will be able to go back and make the beginning a little stronger. Chapter 2 starts out great, but chapter one I feel might turn some people away at first glance. I would use that as more of a preface than the beginning of the story. Chapter 2 starts much stronger in my opinion. Would be interested to read more. Is this going to turn into fiction, based on your past, or completely non-fiction? And yeah, keep the cake secret till the end, or at least until a crucial part near the end, leading up to a climax. either way would be effective.

    Don't worry that if you take out chapter one and put it as a preface, that people won't get that you are "trying to erase the memories". we will get that, and I'm sure you will bring it up again.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2016
  4. Steerpike
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    Steerpike Felis amatus Supporter Contributor

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    This should go in the critique forums, once you have privileges to post there.
     
  5. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Welcome to the forum. :)

    First things first, no, you aren't wasting your time, not at all! I think the significance of the cake can be revealed in the end and, in fact, mentioning it here and there can pique your reader's interest. Then they'd really want to know, in the end, what it was all about. You can use it to tie the story together, although you'll probably have to be careful withholding that reason won't start to come across as too precious and intentional.

    Secondly, I had to modify your first post a bit 'cause we have rules when it comes to sharing your writing, especially in contexts where you may be looking for feedback to it. For one, it should be posted to the workshop, and furthermore, there are workshop requirements everyone has to meet. More information can be found here. Fair is fair. ;)
     
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  6. Pauline
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    Pauline Member

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    There is an elderly gentleman where I work who was raised in an orphanage. He never married, has an eating disorder after some nuns forced him eat oversalted food after vomiting it up. As you can imagine he has quite a few other issues PTSD bipolar etc. And yet he's also had success in other areas of his life, and has a lively personality. I didn't read your chapters but the possibilities are endless as to where a story can go from your own premise. Especially if you don't go the obvious route of the protagonist saving the abused character
     
  7. sprirj
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    sprirj Contributing Member

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    I like the sound of it. Something a little James Frey 'million little pieces' maybe?
     

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