1. Billy Toms
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    Billy Toms New Member

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    I'm writing a story and i need reviews I'm 12. this is the prologue and chapter 1

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Billy Toms, May 10, 2013.

    Prologue (The present July 2009)
    This was the house, once I entered who knows what would be reality and what wouldn’t, this would be the defining moment, the moment that would be around for people to tell their children for many generations to come, the moment that would change history forever.
    Chapter 1: The Heist (The past August 2006)
    “Ok Guys you ready” A mysterious man said over our radios.
    There were 4 of us, including the man over the radio who we only knew as “Blue Raven” he had a gruff voice and from all I could hear he was either Australian or South African. Then there was Scotty, he was a man in his mid-20’s from Essex, Scotty always wore a silver skull necklace that his father gave him about an hour before his house blew up. There was also a woman in her early twenty’s whose name was Cassidy Brown. She liked sneaking around and her favourite element was surprise she also enjoyed taking things and keeping them as her own so we just call her “Magpie”. Finally there was me, I was the bulkiest yet the youngest in our group. My coach at school suggested me several times for the school rugby team but I was more interested in scavenging and building things to my advantage. I was known as “Scrap” or “Vulture”.
    “Are you ready guys and gals?” Said Blue Raven
    Before we could load our guns and say we were ready we heard an explosion. Our instincts told us to run towards the vault. Around six to eight men blocked our way so we were forced to hide behind some overturned desks or face being taken down just a mere thirty seconds into the robbery. All but Scotty slid for the desks, me and magpie both shouted “Get down!” He did not listen and soon found himself in a whole heap of trouble. Soon the 6 to 8 men turned to around 15 then to 25 eventually Scotty was so out in the open they surrounded him. Normally in this circumstance we would shoot into the crowd but not this time especially when Scotty was in that crowd.
     
  2. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    This is the wrong place for seeking feedback, and you have yet to fulfill the site's requirements. Once you do so, we will gladly look it over for you.

    Welcome to the Thunder Dome forum, by the way. Swing by the new members thread and introduce yourself.
     
  3. Nee
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    Nee Contributing Member

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    ...And the word for what you are looking for is "Critique" not "Review."

    Welcome aboard Billy.
     
  4. minstrel
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    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Billy, it's great that you're interested in writing at such a young age. Please read the rules. They're right here. Click me!

    Welcome to the forum!
     
  5. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    nee...
    the poster could be wanting reviews and not critiques...
     
  6. Nee
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    Nee Contributing Member

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    Beginning writers need "Critiques" not reviews.
     
  7. TheLeonard112
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    TheLeonard112 Sūpākūru Senpai

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    Nice to see someone else young on here is interested in writing. Welcome to our realm Billy, I am a fellow youngin.
     

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