1. Des_Maca
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    Des_Maca Member

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    Important line.

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Des_Maca, Oct 16, 2010.

    This line has been bothering me for a while now.

    "Every time I launch I like to think I won't come back. It makes the end much more...believable."

    To me, this line does not seem right. The character is very punctuality and blunt. I want to convey a sense of nonchalance, almost like death would be a bad joke.

    I would like to hear what you guys have to say. I'm open to all opinions and suggestions.
     
  2. Islander
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    Islander Contributing Member Contributor

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    Yes, even for someone who is blunt, wishing to not come back is suicidal. And I don't understand what the second sentence is talking about.

    Maybe something like, "Every time I launch, I see before me the possibility of not coming back." Period.
     
  3. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    "Every launch is one more chance for Death to bite my ass."
     
  4. Elgaisma
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    Elgaisma Contributing Member Contributor

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    Every launch invites the possibility of no return.
     
  5. Tessie
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    Tessie Contributing Member Contributor

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    With every launch, I fancy the thought of not returning.

    It would be a bit easier to offer suggestions if I knew the context.
     
  6. Trilby
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    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

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    Every time I launch the thought that maybe this time I won't make it back, both enthrals and excites me. With my adrenalin glands working overtime I know, by the law of averages, that my chances of surviving are running out.

    It's a bit long I know.
     
  7. m5roberts
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    m5roberts Member

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    I don't think that sounds suicidal. To me, it sounds more like an acceptance of death. Like Orwell's "We are the dead" in 1984. If you've already accepted death, and then you die, no problem. If you've already accepted death and you live, bonus.
     
  8. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    "Every time I launch..."

    Don't understand...launch what? You mean, launch myself from the plane, or something?
     
  9. Zombie_Chinchilla
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    Zombie_Chinchilla Member

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    Yes, I agree. I don't want to offer any help before I know what the heck is going on. Launch? Launch what? Please elaborate.
     
  10. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I was imagining someone like an astronaut, or the pilot of a timeship.
     
  11. joanna
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    joanna Active Member

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    Accepting death is not the same thing as liking to think you will die.

    The first sentence sounds fine, though I like Cogito's suggestion. The second sentence doesn't make sense. The end of what? Why would it be more believable?
     
  12. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    First question (after we get the launch sorted out): does the character simply accept the possibility of death, or does he want to die? It makes a difference. Are you trying to say that accepting the fact that he might die makes the experience more real for him? I can't think of another interpretation to "makes it more believable". Also, why the elipses before "believable"?

    I also don't understand what "he is very punctuality" means. Does that mean he is punctual, as in always on time? If so, I don't understand what it has to do with being blunt. Perhaps you meant that he is succinct or terse?
     
  13. Manav
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    Manav Contributing Member

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    Assuming he is a pilot of a spaceship, because that's what comes to my mind as I read the sentences:

    Every time I launch my chances of coming back are as slim as getting drunk on Mars. Somehow it makes my journeys joyrides, something worthwhile.

    The last two words added for sudden change in tone for effect, because I think that's what you were going for with the second sentence in the original post.
     
  14. Des_Maca
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    Des_Maca Member

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    Thank you for your responses.

    I should have clarified on the situation a little more. The MC pilots fighter planes. The situation calls for her to fly a small plane, at extremely high speeds, through a small fleet of warships. This plan has a small chance of success, and a nonexistent chance of returning. The MC is known for being emotionally distant and punctual. I wanted to convey the feeling that she had accepted the concept of death years ago.

    To Joanna; Usually people who die early don't expect to pass suddenly. I would understand if these people felt surprise and disbelief that life is about to end. I want to show how emotionally broken the MC is. And thank you for your input!
     
  15. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    'punctual' usually means being on time... i don't think that's the word you really want to use there...
     
  16. Des_Maca
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    Des_Maca Member

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    Maybe it is the wrong word. I'm trying to find a word like blunt. Something that would define the character as non-emotionally invested in most characters.

    EDIT: The word I'm looking for is stoic. I'm still having trouble conveying that in my writing.
     
  17. moliver
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    moliver Member

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    Like everyone else, I'm curious about what you mean by "believable". Can you clarify your intent? I do appreciate that you tried already, but the explanation given is a bit unclear in itself. You explained that you wanted it to seem like death would just be a bad joke, but until we totally get what you mean by "believable" it's hard to get what you mean by "bad joke".

    Here's my try:

    "Every time I launch I fantasize that this is the last one, that this time I won't make it back. It hard to explain, but when I touch down it just feels that much more -- believable."
     
  18. Des_Maca
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    Des_Maca Member

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    For some back story to clarify.

    The main character believes shes stuck in a bad dream at times during the story. A series of remarkable events has shaped her into who she is today, distant from most people. She makes her living by killing others in dogfights. I want to really drive home to the reader that she might be a little crazy, or just mentally disturbed. She expects to not come back from sorties, something that others have shown her during the story. This last launch has little chance of return, even if she is successful. She has just accepted death long ago.

    I hope that helps.
     
  19. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    "Every time I launch I know I ain't coming back. The twisted part is that I do."
     
  20. Des_Maca
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    Des_Maca Member

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    You may have something here. Maybe something to this effect would suffice.

    "Every time I launch, I fly towards my death. The sad/surprising part is that I come back."


    EDIT: That or this.
    "Every time I launch I end up dying. The depressing part of this is when I come back."
     
  21. Trilby
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    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

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    Does the character have a death wish? Does she feel guilty that against all odds she has survived when all her friends and fellow pilots are being killed?
     
  22. Des_Maca
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    Des_Maca Member

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    I wouldn't consider it a death wish, and I wouldn't consider it guilt. Even though she converses with the other pilots, she feels little connection with them. I'm still trying to define and figure this character, which has proven hard for me. Maybe I'll go with "not all there" when it comes to making her personality.
     
  23. Trilby
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    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

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    In World War Two I think that during the Battle of Britian, a RAF pilot's chances of surviving a battle was three to one and they were well aware of that fact. Therefore anything above four missions was a bonus.
    So why not have it that against the odds she is still alive. She knows it is only a matter of time and she has come to accepted that fact.
    'Everytime I launch I think this time it must be me. I can't keep cheating death. I'm just not that lucky.'
     
  24. Des_Maca
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    Des_Maca Member

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    Thanks for giving me something to think about.

    I like the idea of luck. I want to fit the phrase "make my own luck" somewhere in the story.
     
  25. art
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    art Contributing Member Contributor

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    I set out, indifferent about the prospects of return.

    Every setting out is attended by no particular hope of return. Every coming back is attended by a faint sense of disappointment.
     

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