1. King Arthur
    Offline

    King Arthur Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2016
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    116

    Interesting Battle Scenes?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by King Arthur, Feb 4, 2016.

    I think my (first draft) battle scene below is not very good, but I can't figure out why.


     
  2. izzybot
    Offline

    izzybot Human Disaster Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2015
    Messages:
    867
    Likes Received:
    957
    Location:
    SC, USA
    I'm pretty sure this should be in the workshop? (If not, my bad; I don't get over there that often so I'm not totally clear.)
     
  3. NigeTheHat
    Offline

    NigeTheHat Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2008
    Messages:
    762
    Likes Received:
    580
    Location:
    London
    This is more a workshop thing. If you want anything in-depth, I'd stick it in there.

    For me, though, the problem is that it's a whole load of tell. This happened. Then this happened. Then this happened. Everything's just... detached. The narrative voice sounds bored with what they're describing.

    Read some Bernard Cornwell books. Some people find him a bit pulpy, but his battle scenes are second-to-none. You'll be trying to fend off spearthrusts and wondering why you're not spitting out blood.
     
  4. King Arthur
    Offline

    King Arthur Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2016
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    116
    I can't seem to post in the workshop?
     
  5. IlaridaArch
    Offline

    IlaridaArch Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2014
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    170
    You first need to contribute to other's work before you can post your own. If I remember it correctly.
     
  6. NigeTheHat
    Offline

    NigeTheHat Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2008
    Messages:
    762
    Likes Received:
    580
    Location:
    London
    You need to do 2 critiques per piece of your own work you post. Do those and you should be able to post in there - you're above the 20-post line.
     
  7. Sack-a-Doo!
    Offline

    Sack-a-Doo! Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2015
    Messages:
    2,231
    Likes Received:
    1,511
    Location:
    [unspecified]
    Just off the top of my head (and, yes, I know this should be in a workshop, but what the heck):

    • use more specific verbs ('raced' instead of 'ran' for instance)
    • focus on the specific (instead of the spears colliding with the Saxons, show one particular Saxon with a spear driving home, the blood spurting, etc.)
    In other words, pick stronger verbs and work your 'close ups.'
     

Share This Page