Discussion in 'General Writing' started by King Arthur, Feb 4, 2016.
I think my (first draft) battle scene below is not very good, but I can't figure out why.
I'm pretty sure this should be in the workshop? (If not, my bad; I don't get over there that often so I'm not totally clear.)
This is more a workshop thing. If you want anything in-depth, I'd stick it in there.
For me, though, the problem is that it's a whole load of tell. This happened. Then this happened. Then this happened. Everything's just... detached. The narrative voice sounds bored with what they're describing.
Read some Bernard Cornwell books. Some people find him a bit pulpy, but his battle scenes are second-to-none. You'll be trying to fend off spearthrusts and wondering why you're not spitting out blood.
I can't seem to post in the workshop?
You first need to contribute to other's work before you can post your own. If I remember it correctly.
You need to do 2 critiques per piece of your own work you post. Do those and you should be able to post in there - you're above the 20-post line.
Just off the top of my head (and, yes, I know this should be in a workshop, but what the heck):
use more specific verbs ('raced' instead of 'ran' for instance)
focus on the specific (instead of the spears colliding with the Saxons, show one particular Saxon with a spear driving home, the blood spurting, etc.)
In other words, pick stronger verbs and work your 'close ups.'
Separate names with a comma.