1. beanbengo
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    beanbengo Member

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    Interrupting thought process with speech?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by beanbengo, Feb 16, 2012.

    So i was just writing this little story for fun and was wondering about my punctuation when he gets interrupted...
    -------------------------------
    I sprint. My whole squad is down. Dead. It's all or nothing. I dive behind the ruin of a wall as an onslaught of bullets rain down on my position. Chips of brick fly past my eyes. My heart pounds the inside of my rib cage. Adrenaline pumps through my veins. Time slows. I spring out of cover. 2 enemies approach me from the tall grass to south, a further tango provides them suppressive fire from his vantage point further up the hill. I aim down my Glock's precision sights and squeeze the trigger three times. Bang, bang, bang. A bullet smashes through each man’s cranium. I move out.

    I pull the C4 out of my satchel and secure it to the hinge of the door. Step back, take cover. Click- BOOM! As I toss a stun grenade through the ruined entrance I pluck my combat knife from the harness at my hip, anticipating a close quarters fight. The satisfying 'Ptshhh' of the flash-bang lets me know its safe to proceed, and I move onto the premises.

    A lone guard stands before me, I dispatch him quickly with a slash to the throat from behin--

    “Jerry!”...

    Blood splatters the wall, and I wipe my blade clean with my sleeve an--

    “Jerry! Get down here your dinners going cold!”

    and proceed to the next room with caution. Two soldiers and attack do--

    “Jerr--”

    “Mum! I'm playing Xbox, wait a sec!”

    Razor sharp canines sink into my fles--

    “Jerry, I swear to God if--”
    “Great Mum, I died. Happy?!” I scream down the stairs, throwing my controller on the floor and storming out the room. “Why do you have to be such a n00b?”
    -----------------------------

    I was just thinking that perhaps when i do the -- double dash it might not be correct? and also have i layed out the dialogue correctly? thank you for any help.
     
  2. Jowettc
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    Jowettc Contributing Member

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    Looks good other than a few minor things I would say.

    Thats my two cents anyway - for what it's worth. Sounds like a good start to the story though - nice pace.
     
  3. beanbengo
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    beanbengo Member

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    The only problem with me for using an ellipsis is that it tends to slow the pace down. But i agree with the finishing the words now that i have read it back again. Thank you for your advice jowettc :)
     
  4. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Ellipses are for trailing off speech. An em-dash is for interrupted speech.
     
  5. Jowettc
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    Jowettc Contributing Member

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    Oops...
     

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