1. Thornesque
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    Thornesque Contributing Member

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    Interupting Speech with Character Action

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Thornesque, Jul 3, 2013.

    So, I'm working on a chapter for a book I'm working on. My character is in a bar, playing some darts (just her, kind of tossing them). She's not really trying; just sort of using the darts as something to do physically while she thinks about something. She ends up in a conversation with a random guy that's also sitting in the bar, and the following eventually takes place:

    I feel like this isn't right, but I'm genuinely unsure as to what would be considered correct. Any help? Thanks in advance.
     
  2. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    It's structurally incorrect with the comma and then a lower case letter. That's correct for a dialogue tag, but not for a beat. It should be a marker indicating a broken sentence followed by an upper case letter starting the beat. Regardless, it's also an awkward point to place a beat. This might be why it's proving difficult.
     
  3. Anthony Martin
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    Anthony Martin Active Member

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    How about:

    "Darts isn't about luck," the man said. He stood and approached me, took a dart from my hand. "It's about skill..."
     
  4. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    Wreybies is correct. Why not try:

    “It’s about skill. Knowing what you want—” He tossed the dart and it landed right next to mine, the two clicking together. “And exactly how to get it.”
     
  5. Thornesque
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    Thornesque Contributing Member

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    Well, that's the thing. I don't want to change so much how it reads. I like the wording choice and I actually do like where I put the break. What I want is to make it more grammatically correct, as, again, what I have written didn't seem correct to me.
     
  6. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Be careful with present participles in compound sentences. They imply continuously simultaneous actions, not brief events happening at approximately the same time.

    Is he really doing all these things at the same time?
     

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