Hi, I was wondering if I could have your input of this section? I am having trouble explaining what is happening, I want to make it sound serious but instead the whole scenario seem silly. To know what is going on I have to explain a few things; There are three people that travel with each other. Fendrael, Henry and Corey. Fendrael has a power that makes him super fast and strong. Because of this he can see things much faster than anyone else and thus for the reader it would seem like slow motion. However, his power only happens when he is extremely angry or afraid. Also, his power is limited by his stamina. When it runs out he collapses from fatigue. Another thing that need an explanation is that he posses an item that makes him able to summon a sword that is able to cut through almost anything. Think of conjuration magic from Skyrim. So with that explained, enjoy! “Yeah well, at least the trip has ben de-void of danger so far,” as Henry finishes his sentence, a man rushes in and shouts. “They are here again!” Everyone in the bar suddenly gets up and runs outside. Even the bar keep. Fendrael and the group looks at each other and rushes out the door as well. All of a sudden Fendrael sees a huge grey blob moving in an arc towards them. Without realising what his happening, he instinctively senses danger. His eyes starts to glow and everything slows down. While being able to see everything faster than anyone else, he sees that it is a large boulder that is about to hit them. The boulder is only a few meters away. Fendrael looks at Corey and Henry. Its is too late. He cannot save them both. He can feel how his stamina is running out and panics. He cannot choose between them. He knows that there is only one way to save them both, and summons his sword. His stamina runs out the second he makes the swing. Trying to split the boulder in half. However, instead of a sword, a shield is being transformed around his left arm. The boulder smacks into it and breaks in dozens of pieces, flying everywhere. Everywhere expect around Fendrael. He looks at it with wide eyes and then back at Corey and Henry. Suddenly, he feels exhausted and collapses on the spot. Corey grabs him before he falls to the ground. She looks around, seeing pieces of the boulder smashed into nearby buildings. Corey and Henry understand what it means when Fendrael suddenly becomes fatigued. However, they don't have time to think about what happened and puts Fendrael on Henry´s back. “We need to see whats going on,” Corey says.
Is the item which allows Fendrael an amulet, locket, medal or something else? I have some ideas for simplifying the description, but I'd like it to fit the image of your fictional world as you would imagine it.
While trying to get some sleep I had another idea how the scenario would play out. Ide love to hear comments from the first one as well though. The italic part is new. "“Yeah well, at least the trip has ben de-void of danger so far,” as Henry finishes his sentence, a man rushes in and shouts. “They are here again!” Everyone in the bar suddenly gets up and runs outside. Even the bar keep. Fendrael and the group looks at each other and rushes out the door as well. As they exit the building, a grey blob suddenly obstructs Fendraels vision. By instinct he closes his eyes and raises his left arm to protect his himself. As fears overcomes him he can feel a rush of energy through his body. Suddenly, an immense force is pressing him against the ground. He opens his eyes, glowing. He watches how a boulder slowly explodes into dozens of pieces in front of him. As he witness this he notice a purple transparent field obstructing his view, that latches around his arm. He feels fatigued and knows what it means. He takes a deep breath to calm himself. When he opens his eyes again everything moves at normal speed. The field returns into the glow. He inspects the glove and then looks back at Corey and Henry, who is unaware of what just happened. Fendrael suddenly stumbles and almost falls to the ground. Corey is quick to catch him.
Here's my take on it: “Yeah well, at least we've not seen the enemy so far. Twenty miles and not a single soldier,” said Henry. As he finished his sentence, a man rushed in and shouted, “They're back!” In the blink of an eye, everyone fled the room, even the bar keeper. Fendrael and his companions looked at each other before swiftly following them. As they left the building, a grey blob suddenly dominated Fendrael's vision. Driven by instinct, he closed his eyes and raised his left arm to defend himself. As fear overcame him, he felt a burst of life energy surge through his body. Suddenly, an immense force pressed him against the ground. He opened his now glowing eyes and looked around; everything and everybody appeared to be moving in slow motion. The grey blob came into sharp focus as a boulder, which exploded into dozens of fragments in front of him. As he witnessed this, he noticed a protective, translucent purple field obstructing his view, which wrapped itself tightly around his arm and spread out in front of him. He felt fatigued and knew what was coming next. He closed his eyes, and with a deep breath he calmed himself. When he opened his eyes again, everything returned to normal and the purple field faded into his glove. After inspecting the glove, he looked back at Corey and Henry, who were unaware of their friend's experience. Fendrael suddenly stumbled and would have fallen to the ground, had Corey not caught him. The first thing you might notice is that I changed the tense - you could change it back if you prefer, but I'm not used to writing in the present tense. I'm not sure how far they've traveled, so I picked a distance at random. The concept is great, I just feel you need to add a little more description to clearly convey what is happening.
Thx. I have never actually considered choosing one or the other, present or past tense, I just wrote what felt natural. It is good to have a comparison though. I do notice that as you simply write, "everyone fled", I write "everyone gets up and runs outside," because it sounds kind of strange to say, everyone flees," in present tense.
How does this sound? “Yeah well, at least the trip has been relatively safe so far,” as Henry finishes his sentence, a man rushes inside and shouts. “They are here again!” In the blink of an eye, everyone gets of their chairs and runs outside, even the bar keep. Fendrael and the group looks at each other before running out the door as well. As they leave the building, suddenly a grey blob dominates Fendraels vision. Driven by instinct, he closes his eyes and raises his left arm to protect his himself. As fear overcomes him, he feels a burst of energy surge through his body. Suddenly, an immense force presses him against the ground. He opens his now glowing eyes and looks around. The grey blob comes into sharp focus as a boulder. As he watches the boulder explode into dozens of fragments in front of him, he notices a protective, translucent purple field obstructing his view. He feels fatigued and he knows what it means. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes to calm himself. He hears loud noises as the fragments hits the ground. When he opens them again, some of the pieces lie beside him. Simultaneously, the purple field fades into the glove. Fendrael inspects the glove on his hand and then looks back at Corey and Henry, who were unaware of what just happened. Fendrael can feel the fatigue and falls to the ground. However, Corey is quick to react and catches him before he does.
That's great - it really sets the scene. I like how you've added the sound of the fragments hitting the ground. You might want to work on your punctuation, mainly the apostrophe. For example, "They are here again!" would read more naturally as "They're here again!" unless the character speaks very formally all the time.
I've taken a leaf from your rule book and added a description of sound to one of my passages - it really adds a layer of realism to it: The security guards had almost caught up with the smaller van when the driver door was flung open. The target vehicle came to a screeching halt, turning ninety degrees so that the driver side faced the oncoming van. A small, yellow object was flung through the open door; it stopped less than an inch from the floor as the Teslageist’s black glove became visible around it. Upon seeing the boy appearing in the road, apparently from thin air, the driver of the grey van swerved to avoid running him over. The momentum of the larger vehicle carried it past the Teslageist and into the front of the other van, which had already begun to turn away from its pursuer. Among the squealing tyres and the loud bang from the collision, the Teslageist rolled away from the chaos and felt his sore chest, which had born the brunt of Tyler’s kicks. He had barely a second to catch his breath before two men in bright yellow high visibility jackets helped him to his feet before frog-marching him into their van. Hopefully I haven't over-done it with the description of sound.
