Tags:
  1. haider
    Offline

    haider Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2016
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    12

    Is my grammer shit ?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by haider, Jul 19, 2016.

    Gloria sat with three girls of her age around small circular table in house. What was common between all of them. All four of them were told by grandmother they were special, and they didn't have father to boss them around .All four of them ate, slept, shit, and trained to become apprentice. All four of them saw each other faces, accept for Gloria who wore sack of potatoes as mask with three holes .
     
    zoupskim likes this.
  2. ChaosReigns
    Offline

    ChaosReigns Be Still and Know Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    1,090
    Likes Received:
    455
    Location:
    Canterbury, Kent, United Kingdom
    Maybe this is better in the workshop but here's my take on it

    Gloria sat with three girls of her age around a small table, what was common between the girls, was that they each were told by their grandmothers that they were special. They did not have a father to boss them around, they all continued their lives as normal in the house, training to become apprentices. Gloria had her face covered by a potato sack with three holes in while the other three had their faces uncovered.

    *edit*

    What exactly are they "Training" for?
    Why is Gloria's head in a potato sack?
     
  3. BayView
    Offline

    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2014
    Messages:
    5,585
    Likes Received:
    5,068
    Yeah, your grammar definitely needs some work, although some of the errors seem like typos or translation issues rather than grammar problems...

    Try reading it out loud, slowly, making sure you read only the words that are there, not the words you THINK are there.

    Start with just the first sentence: Gloria sat with three girls of her age around small circular table in house. There are two words missing from that sentence - can you discover them?

    The next sentence seems like it's a question: What was common between all of them. But it's missing the cue we use to show questions.

    The next sentence is in pretty good shape. All four of them were told by grandmother they were special, and they didn't have father to boss them around . But you're either missing two words (in a similar pattern to the first sentence, which is what makes me thing this is a second-language issue) or you need to remember to capitalize titles/descriptions when they're being used as names.

    All four of them ate, slept, shit, and trained to become apprentices.

    All four of them saw each other faces, accept for Gloria who wore sack of potatoes as mask with three holes . Look at rules for making things possessive-the faces belong to each other, so you need an apostrophe s. And accept/except are near homonyms (I think they actually are homonyms in some accents) so you need to pay close attention to which one you chose. You should also look at the difference between "potato sack" (the sack itself) and "sack of potatoes" (which would be a sack with potatoes actually in it). I think you've used the wrong one. And there's another missing work with a similar pattern to the previous missing words.

    Hang in there. Try to learn the rules and reasons rather than just correcting according to someone else's suggestions. You want to be able to do this yourself!

    ETA: And the period goes right after the last letter, with no space in between.
     
  4. sahlmi
    Offline

    sahlmi Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2016
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    64
    error
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  5. haider
    Offline

    haider Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2016
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    12
    I see, it wasn't good idea to use the same three words over again.
     
  6. ChaosReigns
    Offline

    ChaosReigns Be Still and Know Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    1,090
    Likes Received:
    455
    Location:
    Canterbury, Kent, United Kingdom
    In some ways yes, but equally there was a lot of unnecessary full stops that could equally eliminate the "All four..." and make this a far easier read. Because of the full stops, it feels really disjointed and (for me anyway) difficult to read. It does also make me (like people above me) wonder if this is an attempt to write in a second language. (but from experience here, as I'm much the same when I try to write in my second language)
     
  7. haider
    Offline

    haider Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2016
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    12
    I think the answer to your question is " Gloria sat with three girls of her age around a circular table in the house".Is that Right answer ?
     
  8. haider
    Offline

    haider Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2016
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    12
    How do make less disjointed. Should I use comma and transitional words rather than period ?
     
  9. BayView
    Offline

    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2014
    Messages:
    5,585
    Likes Received:
    5,068
    That's the first one, yup.

    Do you understand why the words are needed or are you just copying what you saw in other posts? (I can't give you the formal rules for why you need these words--my formal grammar is close to nonexistent.)
     
    Tenderiser likes this.
  10. ChaosReigns
    Offline

    ChaosReigns Be Still and Know Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    1,090
    Likes Received:
    455
    Location:
    Canterbury, Kent, United Kingdom
    Yeah, exactly what you said there, and it'll be great. but don't go too overboard
     
  11. haider
    Offline

    haider Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2016
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    12
    No, I didn't copy there post.I just repeated the sentence out loud, until I heard the flaws.Thank you for the advice !
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2016
    Tenderiser likes this.
  12. haider
    Offline

    haider Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2016
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    12
    Thank you for the advice.
     
  13. zoupskim
    Offline

    zoupskim Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2015
    Messages:
    648
    Likes Received:
    521
    I was distracted by your plot and imagery to worry about stupid things like grammar. Why's she have a bag on her head?

    Make sure you've used words and sentence structure, but just take me to another world, or put me in someone else's head.
     
    haider likes this.
  14. billy_pilgrim
    Offline

    billy_pilgrim New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Indoors
    I get the impression that English isn't your first language. Sorry to offend you if you're a native speaker, but some of the errors (e.g. missing out articles and prepositions; confusion of pronouns) are pretty typical of second language learners. A native would probably write the same passage like this:

    'Gloria sat with three girls of her age around a/the small circular table in a/the/their house. either What was common between all of them? or The thing that was common between all of them was that All four of them they were (all) told by their grandmother (that) they were special, and they didn't have a father to boss them around. All four of them ate, slept, (and) shit, and were training to become either an apprentice or apprentices. All four of them could see each other faces, except for Gloria, who wore a potato sack with three holes as a mask.'

    Red marks additions or substitutions, Green marks sentences that could go either way, and (brackets) mark optional-but-recommended features. Let me know if something isn't clear and I'll try my best to explain.

    There are a few (mostly subjective) stylistic issues, but I won't mention them until you get the grammatical points I've raised.



    *Edited for some of my own grammatical mistakes!
     
    haider likes this.
  15. Iain Aschendale
    Offline

    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2015
    Messages:
    985
    Likes Received:
    971
    Location:
    The Hopton Stoddard Home
    Some excellent advice in your post, but I'd like to mention that there's a certain portion of the male populace (me) that are red/green colorblind. There's no rule, but I've seen many members here using blue to mark suggestions.
     
    Shadowfax likes this.
  16. Spencer1990
    Offline

    Spencer1990 Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2016
    Messages:
    905
    Likes Received:
    1,017
    I was about to comment with the same warning. I can't tell the difference between the colors of the edits in @billy_pilgrim post.
     
    Iain Aschendale likes this.
  17. Shadowfax
    Offline

    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,337
    And there was me thinking that my blue amendments were LESS in your face than using red...
     
  18. billy_pilgrim
    Offline

    billy_pilgrim New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Indoors
    Ahhh I'm very sorry--I never knew this was an issue. I'll make sure to use blue instead in later posts! Thanks
     
    Iain Aschendale likes this.
  19. theamorset
    Offline

    theamorset Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2016
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    68
    Location:
    midwest
    Yes.
     
    A man called Valance likes this.
  20. MarcT
    Offline

    MarcT Member

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2016
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    57
    Location:
    Buenos Aires, Argentina.
    What put me off immediately was the use of the word shit in both the title of the question and then used inappropriately in the offered text.
    It's a question of context really.
     

Share This Page